Hi All. Are you sick of me yet? Shit. Now that I have started writing I just cant seem to stop. So, today: today today today. Today was hard. I will write that again. Today was hard. Today I took my Dad back to the house he used to live in to put it on the market so that he can move up here with all of us. Ultimately, this is a good thing but as I sat there with him...looking around his house with all of his stuff and pictures...it did not feel like a good thing. It felt sad. Terribly sad and not much else. I resisted the urge to say something positive. He said that it felt like the end of something. I was about to say but also the beginning and stopped myself.
I thought about how sometimes life is sad and things are hard. Change is hard. Yes, there will be a silver lining, maybe many silver linings but none of that matters when you are sitting in your house and about to sell it because you realize that you can't live alone anymore. It felt somehow liberating to just be sad with him. Not to try to manipulate things around and make him feel better--which truthfully never really works anyway. There we were--just sad and sitting there.
I looked around at all of the stuff in his home. Antiques, pictures, things that had stories. His things. Things that had stories that only he knew. It felt so strange to be there with all of those stories. Deciding which ones to take back here and which to get later. Honestly, it just felt all wrong. Then I went in the bathroom and just sat there. OK, I feel sad. OK, this is sad. OK. I have to just be there for him. OK. I am leaving bathroom and returning to help my Dad. This is NOT about me.
I tried asking for help throughout the day. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Relieve me of the bondage of self. I think it sort of worked. I had moments of frustration, resentment, sadness but I had many more moments of feeling that I was doing the right thing. Of feeling that I was doing the best that I could and it was good enough. One big moment of the day was when I realized that everyone else was doing their best too. Perfect? No. Good enough, yep, good enough. Amen. xxK
I thought about how sometimes life is sad and things are hard. Change is hard. Yes, there will be a silver lining, maybe many silver linings but none of that matters when you are sitting in your house and about to sell it because you realize that you can't live alone anymore. It felt somehow liberating to just be sad with him. Not to try to manipulate things around and make him feel better--which truthfully never really works anyway. There we were--just sad and sitting there.
I looked around at all of the stuff in his home. Antiques, pictures, things that had stories. His things. Things that had stories that only he knew. It felt so strange to be there with all of those stories. Deciding which ones to take back here and which to get later. Honestly, it just felt all wrong. Then I went in the bathroom and just sat there. OK, I feel sad. OK, this is sad. OK. I have to just be there for him. OK. I am leaving bathroom and returning to help my Dad. This is NOT about me.
I tried asking for help throughout the day. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Relieve me of the bondage of self. I think it sort of worked. I had moments of frustration, resentment, sadness but I had many more moments of feeling that I was doing the right thing. Of feeling that I was doing the best that I could and it was good enough. One big moment of the day was when I realized that everyone else was doing their best too. Perfect? No. Good enough, yep, good enough. Amen. xxK
No comments:
Post a Comment