Hi All,
I am just going to say it. Writing a fourth step is really hard and painful. It sucks in such a massive and complete way that I almost convinced myself to stop but I didnt. I am still working away and picking at my resentments one by one. Tonite I talked to my Sponsor about how this is hard and makes me think about things that I would like to forget and feel ways that I want to run away from. I read my lists and feel like a victim. Since I spent about 15 years drinking over this particular feeling, I think it is safe to assume that this is not a feeling that I am good at actually feeling. Frankly, I'd rather feel any other way then powerless and hurt. Sadly, this is exactly how I feel when I write my resentments. I feel both powerless and hurt. I'll say it again: I feel powerless and hurt.
Ok, so that hasn't killed me yet but it is uncomfortable. The real truth, for me, is that recovery is really about being uncomfortable. Comfortable is a few bottle of red wine, a pack of Marlboros, and a good friend to drink with. Uncomfortable is actually looking at the things that caused me to be so comfortable with the wine. Boy does it suck.
So here I am plodding along. I wish I could say it was easy and fun. I wish I could say everyone should do this because I am having such a great time. I cant say any of that but I can say that some of the people I admire most in this world have done this. They say that once we understand why we react the ways that we do, what caused our feelings, then we can work to do better, to be better. I've said it before and I'll say it again...it really does seem that the only way around is thru. Hope you're getting thru it too. xx
I am just going to say it. Writing a fourth step is really hard and painful. It sucks in such a massive and complete way that I almost convinced myself to stop but I didnt. I am still working away and picking at my resentments one by one. Tonite I talked to my Sponsor about how this is hard and makes me think about things that I would like to forget and feel ways that I want to run away from. I read my lists and feel like a victim. Since I spent about 15 years drinking over this particular feeling, I think it is safe to assume that this is not a feeling that I am good at actually feeling. Frankly, I'd rather feel any other way then powerless and hurt. Sadly, this is exactly how I feel when I write my resentments. I feel both powerless and hurt. I'll say it again: I feel powerless and hurt.
Ok, so that hasn't killed me yet but it is uncomfortable. The real truth, for me, is that recovery is really about being uncomfortable. Comfortable is a few bottle of red wine, a pack of Marlboros, and a good friend to drink with. Uncomfortable is actually looking at the things that caused me to be so comfortable with the wine. Boy does it suck.
So here I am plodding along. I wish I could say it was easy and fun. I wish I could say everyone should do this because I am having such a great time. I cant say any of that but I can say that some of the people I admire most in this world have done this. They say that once we understand why we react the ways that we do, what caused our feelings, then we can work to do better, to be better. I've said it before and I'll say it again...it really does seem that the only way around is thru. Hope you're getting thru it too. xx
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