Bee Stings and Buses

Hi All,

What a crazy few weeks it has been. I have found myself vacationing in East Hampton one minute (thanks to my sister and brother in law), rushing home bc of strep thought another minute (no, it was not actually strep), and in the ER because my daughter had an allergic reaction to a bee sting after that. Lastly, yesterday I put my daughter on the bus for the first time and watched it drive away--feeling at that moment a very strange mix of pride and gut wrenching pain. Separation is hard.

During this time I kept trying to blog--writing entries here and there and either accidentally deleting them or reading them when they were complete realizing that whatever I was trying to say was not working.  Today I just committed to publishing this post regardless of quality. Enough is enough. I need to get back in the game of my real life and get out of the game that is in my head. The game in my head (which you all likely are familiar with) is the one that tells me that I am not good enough, that I need to control things, that I am in control--. My ability to believe or feel that I am somehow in control of things (even a little) is my real undoing. With this belief comes the fear. The fear that I wont measure up, that I will get it wrong, that I know less then other people and that really soon everyone else is going to figure that out. This fear is insidious and has me comparing myself at every angle to any or everyone that happens to cross my path. Less then her, better then him--less then, better then, less then, better then. On and on I roll thru my life on somedays conscious not entirely of just how often my self worth is validated by these sneaky judgements.

Here is what I know so far. I am not less then or better then you or anyone else. I have unqiue skills, talents, and wisdom just like everyone else does. I am not in control of how the lives of the people that I love turn out. I am in control of my choices which seem to turn out better for myself (and everyone else) if I make them from a place of love and faith and not from a place of fear and judgement. Though I have at times found the Serenity Prayer way to simple for my complex needs (I am laughing when I write this though it is secretly true) it seems I return to it over and over anyway...changing only the things that I can is where I need to keep my focus.

The 12 steps offer me a blue print for a way of life that is different from the way that I once lived. I have a choice to consciously learn a new way to think and act. A way that is based on faith, honesty, compassion, and action. I can learn from other people how to counter my incessant negative thinking. I need to learn this way because I have a deep awareness of my inability to sustain my sobriety wihout it. I simply cannot stay sober while thinking drunk. To me, thinking drunk is just about being judgemental of myself and others and then also not doing anything to change. I read a long time ago that we cant think our way into right action. I found it so helpful that I posted that phrase all over my house--I need to act my way into right thinking. For a long time negative thinker this idea really let in the light and got me going. If I want to be different then I need to stop waiting to feel different and start acting different. I need help from a sponsor bc I often (without help) will return to my old default of negativity and obsessing sometimes without even realizing it. I need support because I get discouraged (bring on the meetings). I need love (which is my form of spirituality and higher power) because--because it gives me hope and purpose. Lastly, I need to help others because getting out of my own head is where the magic is.

So, I am nearly done my fourth step, working on my fear inventory, and have just accepted a commitment speaking at a Beginners Meeting in October. I do these things not because I will drink if I dont but because I will suffer if I dont. I will be sad, confused, and spinning my wheels all alone if I dont DO something different. I cant listen to my own head either (you have nothing to offer a beginner--you will embarass yourself, look like a fool--people wont like you or dont like you etc.). I will do the next right thing and try to have faith. I will do this because I want to be free from the mental chains that bind me even when my body is clear of alcohol and drugs. I will do this because in the end I know that we really are what we do. xxK

Encounters and Intersections

Hi All,

Saturday night. Tonite I had dinner with an old friend and two new friends. My old friend is like a sister to me and has always made me feel really loved and ok just the way that I am. My other two new friends are her old friends. I expected it to be a special night but I got all mixed up with what my expectations were of how it would be or how I would be before I got there and almost blew it. I did not expect that I would blow into this home in some weird emotional tornado, glasses on, sweaty, hot, hair a mess etc. I also could have lied and said I was sick or made an excuse to not go or I could have gone and pretended everything was cool with me but I didn't. I knew I couldn't. I gave up faking it with people I really love when I gave up drinking. Not productive.

So there I was. A mess among people that I sort of was invested in at least kind of liking me. Ugh. I had a moment of feeling totally inadequate and terrible. I just wanted to run home and hide from them and my family and myself. I had to tell myself that I was loved and then the people I was with were so amazing and basically told me that repeatedly. Because I was my real self--glasses and all--I got to be my real self with them and for good (or bad) that is who I am. I felt sort of liberated not having to be some super happy or good looking or funny or smart kind of person. I just was me. I was too tired and too hot to be someone else.

Then the craziest thing happened. I met someone who actually has a pretty good amount in common with me or I with her. I had this moment of realizing that I was right where I was supposed to be and right with who I was supposed to be with. Not only that but I was exactly how I was supposed to be. I mean I was not what I thought I should be etc but I was how I am. It is so scary sometimes to be like this. I risk being rejected or talked about or laughed at. I risk judgement from others and suffer thru my own judgements of myself (my own feelings of just not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough). These scary thoughts flood my brain and make me question myself. I have to stay strong and stay safe with people who I love and who love me. I have to remember that the things I tell myself are not always true. I have to call my own bluff.

I have to be honest, open minded, willing. I have to do what is good for me even when it feels uncomfortable and scary. I have to do this not just for me but for all of us and you do too. The reason I have to do this is because it is in these hot, sweaty, glasses on moments that the real me gets to meet the real you. This is a special thing. This is the stuff that counts--this realness, this scary, uncomfortable, not expected, not how I wanted it really stuff is exactly what it is all about. I think the slogan Let Go, and Let God is really about this kind of. I have to give up my idea of how things are supposed to be (myself included) so that I can really embrace and appreciate exactly how things are. Amen to that. xx

Finding my true feelings AND space without sadness

Hi All,

So today has not been an easy day so far. It is only 9:48am and I want to start the day over and pretend the earlier part never happened. An agrument with my spouse over--over I dont know what has made me feel--uneasy, I guess. I am tempted (as I always am) to take all of the blame for the disagreement but the truth is that I just cannot see how it is all my fault. I feel as though we all are required, as adults, to take responsibility for what we bring to the table and when I take over responsibility then other people get to take under responsibility. The result is that we all stay in this weird dynamic that is not really healthy for anyone.

It is really challenging though because I know that I am not an--easy (?) person to be with. I have a lot of baggage and I bring it with me. I have a father that is mentally ill and so recently I have that going on while the rest of my life is going on and it feels overwhelming. I get help and I talk to other people but I know that it effects me and it drains me of energy that I should have for other people and I could (and do) justify this by saying to myself that part of life and relationships is supporting people when they are less then perfect or dealing with life on life's terms but what happens when life on life's terms seems to be constantly derailing one partner while other partner sits and tries to be supportive but ends up just pissed.  I end up with two problems. One problem being my Dad and his health and the next being how I allow him to effects me and my relationships. I need to take responsibility for how it effects me and when etc. I need to do this while not developing a resentment at the person for jsut not understanding. I would say this is the harderst part--this not developing a resentment thing.

I may have written before that I feel like a natural daughter, mother, sister but when it comes to wife I just struggle, dont get it, mess it up and have to work really hard. It feels so unnatural and hard. I know I am not alone in this yet it doesnt really help me feel better about it. Maybe it comes back to how much I hate being uncomfortable at all and how whenever I feel uncomfortable in situations or relationships I want to escape. I am a child in this way. It goes like this...ok, this is not comfortable. ok, i am not liking how this is feeling. ok, i think maybe i should run away. Then I snap back to reality and begin again with trying to see my part, trying to udnerstand, trying to be compassionate and non-judgemental to myself and to the people I love. This is not second nature to me. Somewhere the old me is kicking around already buying a bottle of Tequila and a pack of cigarettes all ready to drink, smoke, and then fight.

I guess it is progress that I dotn even really think that sounds like fun anymore. I guess I better stop procrastinating and go back to my life. One day at a time...trying to grow up...xxK

Letting Go

Hi All,

Today is Wednesday. A few days ago my Dad left to go back to NJ. Yes, my same Dad who just weeks ago was in a severe depression is now apparently not in a severe depression. What made his leaving so strange was that he told me that his plan was to stay here, to move to NY etc. I knew he was in a depression when he was making this plan but I believed him anyway. I choose to believe what I wanted to. I sort of manipulated my reality, like I am good at, to convince myself that with new meds, a new Dr, and new habits that my Dad would change and suddenly be a new and better version of himself. I thought now he will want to spend time with me and my children, now we will all heal from the losses and changes of the last 20 years.  I thought really, I will do this. I will fix him and heal him and make everything better.

Smart people pointed out to me that it is not my job to fix him, that I can only do what I can do, that I need to take care of myself etc. I knew what they meant but deep down...I guess I thought I knew better just how great a fixer I really can be. So, I went about trying to fix.  My Dad got better and then left. He didnt say thank you or I'll come back soon to live or anything. He just said...I need to go.

Now I am sitting on my couch. I have not sat on my couch for months--not really. I have been too busy doing and fixing and thinking about fixing and doing. Now, I am sitting finally. Alone. Tired. Strung out on my own attempts at being the fixer. I sit here tired but changed.

I see so clearly now what maybe other saw all along. This is not my job. It is not my job to fix my Dad. It is not my job to heal him or to make a plan for him. I tried to help him, I offered to help him, I was here and he choose not to do things the way that I suggested. He has a right to make that choice. I have a right to make other choices. I have a right to not engage in this codependent, sick, toxic, and basically sick situation anymore. It just hit me the other day--I do not have an obligation to continue to be hurt by him. I am not obligated to continue to pick up the pieces of his life while he stands and watches me and then tells me what I missed. It is his job and when I do it--guess what--he doesn't. I used to feel bad that maybe he won't do it but now I see that I cannot take responsibility for that. It is not my responsibility--it is his.

I have to let go. I have to let go of the dream that I will make my Dad be how I want him to be. I have to let go of the dream that he will be anyone other then who he really is--a sometimes loving, funny, headstrong, force to be reckoned with. A man who taught me how to ride a bike and who also taught me that sometimes what people need most is to be accepted for who they really are. Up and down. North and south. Inside and out. Back and forth. I will let my Dad go be where he is happy. He deserves that.

Now, it is time for me to go be where I am happy. Time for me to return to be fully present in my own life. A daughter, mother, sister--flawed, trying, and learning all of the time just what it means to love someone. xxK

The Forth Step Blues

Hi All,

I am just going to say it. Writing a fourth step is really hard and painful. It sucks in such a massive and complete way that I almost convinced myself to stop but I didnt. I am still working away and picking at my resentments one by one. Tonite I talked to my Sponsor about how this is hard and makes me think about things that I would like to forget and feel ways that I want to run away from. I read my lists and feel like a victim. Since I spent about 15 years drinking over this particular feeling, I think it is safe to assume that this is not a feeling that I am good at actually feeling. Frankly, I'd rather feel any other way then powerless and hurt. Sadly, this is exactly how I feel when I write my resentments. I feel both powerless and hurt. I'll say it again: I feel powerless and hurt.

Ok, so that hasn't killed me yet but it is uncomfortable. The real truth, for me, is that recovery is really about being uncomfortable. Comfortable is a  few bottle of red wine, a pack of Marlboros, and a good friend to drink with. Uncomfortable is actually looking at the things that caused me to be so comfortable with the wine. Boy does it suck.

So here I am plodding along. I wish I could say it was easy and fun. I wish I could say everyone should do this because I am having such a great time. I cant say any of that but I can say that some of the people I admire most in this world have done this. They say that once we understand why we react the ways that we do, what caused our feelings, then we can work to do better, to be better. I've said it before and I'll say it again...it really does seem that the only way around is thru. Hope you're getting thru it too. xx

Going Deep(er)

Hi All,
Ok, here we are. Smack in the middle of the fourth step. This is the time to seriously work on humor and not taking myself too seriously. My goal since my list is complete is to now work on each individual resentment. Ummm. Wow. This is not an easy task. I feel overwhelmed by it. I also feel strange about it because I do not like the hater space. Nope. Dont like it. My inner hater gets all comfortable and then I am working hard to get her back in her cage when I am done. A lot of effort but since I was just thinking tonite about how I miss drinking, I would say it is ok to keep working on my sobriety.

Which leads me to that. The missing drinking thing. It comes up. Sometimes at predictable times (stress) and other times it is more random. Anyway, today it was both. I was laying in the bath tub being relaxed or trying to be and thinking about my old college friends bc they had facebooked (yes, i just made it a verb) and I was thinking that I was so boring now and maybe it is just not worth it to be sober bc I have to sacrifice all of my fun, exciting, and crazy times for more chilled out, stable, healthy times. This is a pretty fucked up thought bc most of my fun, exciting times were more fun for others or from the outside than they actually were for me. I mean I said it was fun but I am not sure it was actually fun? And even if it was fun in the moment, it was not fun after the moment. So, it is all very tricky to get my head around and sometimes I get sort of muddled and think a margarita might just make this Friday night a little better and life is short and...and...yep, there is my disease. She is good, but I am better.

I see her coming with her life is short stuff. Jeepers. I want to live till I am 100 and be healthy and vital and happy. I dont want some crazy high strung psycho life that ends at 40. I dont want that for me or for my family. The only person who wants that life for me is my disease. She wants me dead and she wants me dead soon, but (as I've heard) she'll settle for me unhappy too.

It is Mother's Day weekend and I am a sober Mama. I am proud of that. I am proud that I am not tipping my wine glass as I type in order to relax or to feel happy. Today I can get there on my own. I am not perfect but I am trying to be a better person and I am not going to an alcoholic beverage get in my way. Not tonite. Now, back to my list. xxxK

Anger, Resentments, and Me

Hi All. Well, here I am. Today is Wednesday. I am using this writing as a tool to somewhat delay my ongoing work on my 4th step. I am proud to report that I have entered the world of my resentments and am living to tell about it. On this past Saturday I could not sleep and so I wrote the list. At first it was really tough but once I got over my self consciousness (what kind of person is mad at this many people) I sort of got into it. I got in touch with my inner hater and I have to say that she was not as hidden or hard to reach as I might have thought. Here is what I have learned so far.

#1 Hater at the office. The list of people that pissed me off is longer than I originally anticipated. One thing I noticed straight away is that I developed a lot of resentments at work--and specifically at work in advertising in NYC. This is interesting for a number of different reasons but mostly because this is when I was drinking the most, was the most unhappy, and liked myself the least. I think it is worth considering that when I was passively hating on myself by drinking myself into a nightly stupor--I was actively hating on others too. My actively was in the form of thoughts and gossiping-so while I never was violent or not law abiding--I certainly was engaging in behavior that was not helpful to anyone and was mean. Since the resentments that I have center around people being mean to me this is pretty funny.

#2 Being a hater. Once I am in the hating space it is pretty easy to just hate away. This was good for list making purposes but is an interesting thing to consider for daily life. Once I am in the negative it is not that much of a stretch to see things from that perspective. When I am in the hate space than I am a victim of everyone. It is unpleasant and downright disempowering being my kind of hater. I am glad I am not there very often these days.

#3 Jealousy. I notice that a good deal of my resentments were against women and had some sort of jealous subtext. Sort of like, you were mean to me and you were really pretty and good at your job. I felt like you judged yourself as better than me. Which really was more like: I judged you as better than me and then I felt yucky and less than and terrible and blamed you. Which really was more like: I felt yucky and terrible and blamed you.

#4 Love--or something. I have some heavy resentments in the romance department too. These are more complicated since I had some complicated entanglements. Yes, entanglements. Ok, I think what I can say about this category is that it is not that dissimilar from my work category. I felt less then and terrible and blamed you. To sum it up, I dont think anyone can love someone enough or right if that person doesnt love themselves enough or right. The men I was involved with could never have loved me enough or right back then--regardless of how much they tried, really cared, or wanted to help me. I was a lost cause dressed in black and waiting for someone else to find me, save me, and basically fix me. I think we all can see how that is not the set-up for a good relationship. My most bitter resentments stem from a time in my life, again, where I hated myself, felt so lost, and was just looking for someone to make it all better. I hate or hated some of these men so much for not loving me enough for both of us. Ouch.

So, this is all that I have learned so far. I am just beginnning to look at my actual resentments so sure there is tons more to learn. Right now I just feel totally floored at how much I blamed the people around me for feelings that I had. I feel less than and I blame you for thinking you are better than me. I feel ugly and blame you for thinking you are prettier than me. I feel stupid and inadequate and blame you for thinking you are smarter and more competent than me. It is painful to see how I did this--to others and to myself. Painful but fascinating.

I hope you are all learning something today. I know it sounds corny but last night I was trying to help my daughter figure out what to do instead of cry when she feels frustrated. Nothing against crying but it is not always productive to solving the problem at hand. So I am saying something like, when you feel like crying because you are frustrated than maybe you can just Stop and think about what you really need or want and then ask for help if you need it--this way you know what you want and other people do too. She thought about this and then agreed to try. She said something later asking how I knew what she should do. I told her that I have struggled with this crying about the problem instead of thinking about the solution for a very very long time. She laughed and said since you were 5? Yes, that sounds just about right--trust me kid, I got this one. xx K











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