hi friends. it has been so long since i have written anything. so much to say. it is actually hard to know where to begin and what to include. so, i stopped writing for a while because i was getting pretty depressed. that might be evident from reading this though i havent gone back and reread my old posts to see if i can see it. since this blog is essentially about my recovery, i am happy to report that despite getting gloomy and sad i remained sober and ultimately grateful throughout my time away from the blog.
what happened is that my mood seemed to get a little worse everyday in very small increments so that i really didnt realize it was a problem until i was kind of--on the bottom of my life staring up. this has never really happened to me before (in sobriety) and so i guess it caught me off guard. yes, i have struggled with worrying, anxiety, over thinking but this was more just depression. maybe all that anxiety and over thinking just got the best of me. i dont know...all i can really say is thank god for professionals and self awareness.
what i did about it was that i went to a doctor. i got (new) medecine. i got a therapist around here (despite my misgivings about anyone besides my old therapist in vermont). then i took the medecine as prescribed. then i went to the therapist as suggested. then i waited. then i began to finally sleep again...no more 1am posts. and then i began to feel as though someone had liftd a 100lb weight off of my shoulders. now i feel like there is space again between my thoughts and, yes, worries. there is room for me to move them around and insert optimism as needed or recovery or air. what it is not anymore is unmanageable.
it is hard sometimes, for me, in recovery to admit when i dont know the answers or how to get from a to b. i want to know what i need because i often do and because i like that feeling of competency and empowerment. what i learned thru this though is that it is ok to not have a clue and ok to figure it out with other people and ok for those other people to be trained professionals--who are objective, and educated, and above all kind. i honestly dont know where i'd be today without my nice family nurse practioner--who i barely knew--who made me feel normal and hopeful when i sat in her office and almost cried. also for my super smart and kind new therapist who gives me homework that makes sense and keeps me focused on how i can change the things i dont like or arent working.
mostly, though i just am just glad to be getting back to myself. it took so long to find myself thru my journey with alcohol--it is funny to think that i lost myself again and totally sober. anyway, i am well on my way back to the surface and can see and feel the light that i knew deep down was there all along. xxk
