living in the solution

here it is. so, in recovery, for anyone reading who is not in recovery...there are all of these slogans. one of them is "you need to live in the solution, not live in the problem." in early recovery i had lots of post-it notes all over my apt with these sort of slogans. the solution one and this one "happiness is the by product of right action." i would read them constantly and they would help me to recenter myself and they would remind me to stop the negative thinking. when i was living in this way. when my intention was very focused on having a disciplined mind, i was truly the happiest that i have ever been. and this was also when i was not doing that much except not drinking anymore and sitting in church basements like 7 nights a week. i felt connected to the universe and more specifically to people, to real people. not plastic perfect people but real people who had problems but were honest and getting better, these people i see as my people. the broken but strong ones.

recently i heard this acronym...hope is hearing other peoples experiences. i found it so inspiring and so true--at least for me. here we all are, many of us in our homes, alone at night, looking at screens and reaching out. if i think about that, about us all connected even if us all is just me and one person who someday reads this. i feel better. solid. grounded. i realize for me i need to focus on my relationships, on the people who are in my life and that is all. because down deep in me, very deep, i know that is who I am. that is what matters to me. the other stuff it is me losing myself and revealing my flaws (greed, envy, selfishness)...i know we all have our own set of flaws but i dont want to be thinking in this way bc it really does not represent who i actually am. what i actually want. i need to come back to myself. i need to begin to go back to thinking like a beginner. to live in the solution again. to everyday live with the intention of right thinking. this is my way back. and here i leave you with the last of my favorite slogans for the night and so relevant...the only way around is thru....xx

same old same old

i just dont even know what to write today. same feelings as i just blogged about last blog continue to haunt me. it is getting old. even for someone who is used to obsessing. i feel scared and hungry. scared of the unknown and hungry for soemthing more. and i dont mean a granite coutnertop or new appliances either. for something that means more, that is more, maybe beneath the desire for a new kitchen is really the desire for a new life, a new me. certainly i know that rarely do material things change our baseline feelings. yes, those frye boots made my day or even week but eventually they become just a pair of cool boots i own and i am just the same me wearing them--just in better shoes. presumably i'd be the same me cooking in a nicer kitchen with my new appliances. and yet i hunger, obsess, desire these things and maybe convince myself that by possessing them i will somehow be altered. i guess my thinking is that i'll go from average to fabulous bc my house looks fabulous or my hair does--it doesnt matter, i think you get the picture. i want what you have, what he has, what she has and i want to also keep what i have too. selfish. ungrateful. just downright miserable state of mind. i could blame the terrible sunless month of february but i wont. enlightened me knows that the problem rests squarely in my own head. if i only i could find my way back out i am sure i could be the kind, compassionate person that i tell myelf i usually am. more coffee isnt even helping. i would say i need to dig deep but i wonder if i actually need to just start to fake it. always confused when i am supposed to fake it until i make it and when i am supposed to accept my true self. maybe this is one of those do both times. no clue really. looking for some divine intervention....still looking...ready anytime...xx

move a muscle--change a thought

that i am devoting another page to fear should be no surpise to anyone who knows me or reads this. fear has been a major influence in my life. i hate to admit that but it is true. the trueness of it makes it a little painful. fear of people not liking me, fear of not being good enough, fear of failing, fear of succeeding, you name it and it feels like i have been afraid of it at some point. fear of driving. fear of not driving. so today and some of yesterday i have been in the belly of the beast to some extent. i feel stuck and like i cant get out despite writing which usually helps. of course this scares me too. i should explain, my family is on the brink of a major move to another state. i am terrified. so scared that the little and comfortable life that i have found in vermont will somehow be ripped out from under me and i will find myself alone and scared with no one to talk to and nothing that feels like home. on good days i see this move as an amazing opportunity to meet new people and learn new things--to go back to school--to move forward. on days like yesterday and today i just see the potential for loss.

i dont like the part of myself that lives with so much fear about the unknown. it paralyzes me and causes me to continue to do the same things over and over without trying new things without taking risks. i know this and yet just when i think i have the fear licked something happens and i am scared again. i dont want to live like this anymore and i know i have a choice. i just cant find it. it is like being stuck in a dark and strange room. i know there is a doorknob somewhere but i have to keep grasping around for it and hope eventually i'll find it. maybe what i really need to be grasping for is a light switch so i can see what is going on. maybe the light switch is faith. maybe feeling connected to a higher power and other people makes things less scary. makes the world open up and not close down.

that i am determined to find the light switch or door knob is certain. that i feel stuck and unclear about where to go next is the problem. my husband recommends exercise. and maybe he is on the right track. move a muscle. change a thought?

from faith to fear

F*ck. I just reread my last post which I published today but actually wrote mostly a few days ago. Suffice to say I have not exactly been practicing what I preach. Today my family went to a really nice little girl's birthday party. I really like the little girl and the little girl's mom so it was a cool occasion. In anycase, upon arriving at 2yr old girl bday party all is cool, very few people are there. Then...the moms arrive. One after another a different mom with more kids arrive. Something happened in my DNA, I just started feeling, I dont know--inadequate? These women w/ some pretty well dressed little girls were all nice enough but somehow I just didnt feel part of. I am a mom and I have a little girl so I am not sure how or why I didnt feel included but felt, different. THe party was still fun and my kids had fun and all was cool. Except that on my way home I just was consumed. Literally felt consumed by envy and then all of the fear was right behind.

Will I ever have a granite countertop? Will I ever have stainless steel appliances? Will my daughter ever not cry during Happy Birthday. Dumb shit to think about. Seriously stupid. Where does it come from? This comparison between my life and other people's life? My inside to their outsides. It is all wrong.

Then once my brain was off and running, I just started spinning out on every fear I could think of. I was on a serious negative thinking roll. I think I got out of it by the time I actually got home but wtf? I feel like a child sometimes. I wish I could just get it together and feel like a grown up. Where is my faith when my fear jumps in. I just dont know. Maybe it really is time to get up early and run before my brain runs away from my completely...xx

binoculars and microscopes

Did you ever think you'd learned a lesson only to be confronted with an opportunity to do things differently and then realize you'd just made the same mistake again...even after being fully aware of what you should do...you go ahead and do (or in my case say and do) the wrong thing anyway. This is sort of like when I by accident start driving to work on my way to the grocery store. My car just wants to drive where it usually goes. It takes work to drive in a different direction. It takes real intention to drive in a different direction that you've never been in before. So I've been trying to basically be better or do better. The frustrating thing is that the knowledge of where I can go wrong is only part of it, then there is the actual execution. This is not so easy. I feel deeply flawed, often. Sometimes I think f it, I just need to accept my flawed self. Then I realize that is a cop out and I can accept my flawed self and still work on improving. Nice try, right?

So here I am trying to both accept flawed me and improve flawed me. Someone wrote on my facebook page that it takes 18 times of doing something to create a habit. That number sounded pretty attainable to me, until I realized that I may not do the actual thing everyday and so reaching the magic 18 might take a little longer then 18days. Also, I am sure if put too much time in between you are screwed with your 18 too. I just dont know what to think sometimes.

I guess it all really depends on you how you look at things. What lens you pick up determines what you see. When I was a kid I used to be fascinated by binoculars. My grandfather had a pair that he kept in this special red velvet lined black leather case. I was fascinated by them. I would look thru one eye at a time and frequently was looking thru the wrong end and seeing everything close look very far away. Do not ask me why, but I used to like this view more then the up close one. Even as a little kid, maybe I was fascinated by how things look from a distance. How everyday things looked special from a little further away. Somehow this idea occured to me a few days ago while I was driving...

When I was drinking I used to say that I got beer mircoscropes when everyone else got beer goggles. Beer goggles I think was a euphism for the ineviable lapses in judgement that drunk people make about picking partners. So while some people got beer goggles, I was convinced I had beer microscopes. That the addition of alcohol would somehow cause me to look at people up close and super intensely. Totally distorted and scary. Now, sober, I can see that even now I can pull out the microscope and not even really know it. Looking at people and events so up close that it actually distorts the picture and interpretation. Making small events into big events or assigning big meaning to insignifigant comments or tones.

So here I am. Armed with both binoculars and microscopes and evaulating my world. I dont know what it means that I do this. I dont know what it means that I am pathologically aware of how I look at things even now. That I can keep a not quite right contact on bc it reminds me to pay attention to what lens I am looking at things thru.

The grateful to be alive lens, the f the world lens, the mommy lens, so many different ways to look at my life. So many different thoughts that come with each view. Today, I am going to settle on keeping my eyes (not my binoculars or microscopes) on the prize. The prize to me is to be able to see what I have and not what I dont. This reminds me of how I used to draw negative space as this drawing exercise. You basically draw what is not there and you end up with a picture of what is. I think I spent my life looking at negative space. Now I just want to see what is there.xx

knowing but not acting

Well, here I am again, it is snowing out and I am reflecting on yet another night that I spent partially working when home and thinking mostly of work despite being squarely at home. How this affects me: guilt. I am reminded of that Harry Chapin song about the Cat and The Crade and the Silver Spoon. With only a finite amount of time that my children will spend in their childhood how in the world can I waste one single second of my little time spent with my children during the week to be thinking not about them? Here it is. Quite possibly the heart of my blog is buried in this truth: being a parent is hard work and somtimes I want to cop out and be something else instead. Something I can do better. Something I get paid to do. Something that people tell me I am good at and gets noticed. It is sickening to write it and sort of sickening to read it but like every truth, it needs to be told, held, accepted and only then can I begin to even think about changing. Dont get me wrong, I have moments of being present, times when I do and say exactly what I want to my children, moments where I pull patience out of nowhere. It is not all bad at all but what is bad, what I notice as bad, is how easy it is to take care of my children (feed, bathe, pajamas, book, bed) and how hard it is to actually be there, present with them, after being there and present with many people all day. Something has got to give right. But that something should not be my attention to my kids. Not in a perfect world. So what is good enough? Where does the knowing stop and the changing begin. Perhaps the knowing is the seed.

Whatever it is, I know it and I am going to need to find a way to change and change quick. Maybe I can tolerate my brain on work over drive but my kids should not have to. Is it possible that what children require of us...being present, open, and available is the very thing that recovery requires of us as well? When I stumble in these areas, I stumble hard because I am not just not working my best program but because when I am not working my best program, my kids get a mother who is not at her best. I wont get melodramatic and say my kids suffer but I will say that they dont get what they deserve which is me at my best.

A long time ago, before I quit drinking...I read this amazing book called "Being Peace." It still is in my top favorite books of all time. One of the chapters talks about how you have your children with you, even before you are pregnant or they are born. That you need to take care of yourself for them way before you even think about having them. This idea was fundamental in moving me towards recovery and change way sooner then I might have had I not read this and had I not believed it. Parenting and being in recovery is funny because working a good program almost completely will force you into being a good parent. Self awareness, honesty, vigilance, taking responsibility, connecting with others, love. Here's to all of us getting a little closer to our best selves...xx

work work and more work

Hi anyone who reads this. I have not been blogging much lately bc I have not been able to find any free time where I am not already too tired to write. This leads me to an interesting couple of thoughts. 1) How does working too much affect your recovery, 2) Is there a link between working too much and being an alcoholic, and 3) How do you stop working too much once you start? I'd like to tackle the first topic first...working too much is both helpful to my recovery (staying busy keeps my mind from tweeking out) but also seems to mess w/ my recovery in that once I stop being busy I am so strung out that I feel like a drink might really help. A good example of this phenomena occured this wknd...following what can only be described as a crazy work week I had a really nice dinner on Saturday night w/ my husband and some family...the place was cool, good music, night lighting, great food. No one really drank at dinner, good conversation. As we were leaving we had to stand in the bar area while waiting for someone to use the lady's room. As I stood there and surveyed the scene my eyes immediately got locked on a bottle of Knob Creek. There I stood gazing upon the Knob Creek as if she were a long lost love who I had forgotten until that exact moment and now could not believe I ever lost her. The good news is that I did not have any recall of taste which can really f w/ my mind but the bad news is that I stood there reminscing about how delirious I could get drinking it. Of course I felt bummed that I could not drink it anymore. I stood looking at the guy sitting alone at the bar and, for a moment, envied him. How I could envy a lonely guy at a bar is beyond me but a testament to my disease in full throttle. I snapped to in a moment but felt the effects of the Knob Creek encounter all night and into the next day. I realized eventually that I was tired, spent, emotionally fried from working too much and not taking time for myself. The result is that when I see a good bottle of anything, it looks better in this frame of mind. Much like how you should not go food shopping when you've not eaten all day bc everything looks good. Being in a bar or around alcohol when I am tired or run down is like that for me. What I would never want or think about in a healthy frame of mind looks dangerously attractive in a tired frame of mind. The truth is that I have to take better care of myself, have clearer boundaries between my work and home time, and stop eating m&ms and coffee for breakast and lunch if I want to feel healthy and strong and not think about drinking. My recovery is more then just my behavior, it is very much my thinking and when the thinking starts to get nutty--I can only assume that if left unchecked the behavior will get nutty too. Six months of this thinking later, I'll be sitting at the bar not looking at it. So, I have to stop. Speak up. Chill out. Get it together and then over and over again recorrect the weirdo alignment on my brain. Dont work when I am home, despite the desire to, don't eat m&ms for breakfast, despite the desire to, dont sacrifice myself for my job and my family, despite the desire to. I know I can and will make these changes--thanks to Knob Creek I know that I have to.
As far as how this all relates to recovery--isnt it so funny that the same braint that can drink despite wanting to stop can also work despite wanting to stop. It is as if my mind has a mind of its own and once it gets in over doing it zone--the actual behavior is irrelevant. Working can take me out of myself and my head just as quickly and almost as effectively as drinking once I could. I have to ask myself what I am trying to escape if I want to deflate this crazy balloon. I have to go right to the heart of the discomfort or sadness or confusion or risk going down the same path I've been down before just by taking a different route there. The crazy think about addiction is that you can take a different road for a long long time and only realize later that there is a shortcut right back to where you started if you are not careful. That is quite a lesson for this snowy day off (that I've alrady worked on) Monday. Think I'll take a run. xx

its all about connections...

Hi. Today my day loosely sucked until I got home and then I had a great day. At work I had cancelled appointments and paperwork which puts me in a predictable work funk. I didnt start doing this job bc I like solitude or paperwork...anyway, the highlight of my day was a coworker turning me on to this interesting work called reality therapy or soemthing like that--I think it is based on something else interesting called choice theory. Anyway,If I am remembering what I read correctly then reality therapy based on choice theory posits that most problems people have are relational in nature. So helping people be healthier is about helping them get closer to the people that they want to be close to. There is this axiom called choice theory axiom and it asks "is what i am doing getting me closer to the people that i need?" none of the stuff i read on this website gave me any deep understanding of the work but it did help solidify some of my recent ideas abotu how recovery is all about connection with ourselves and with the people we love and maybe even with something bigger that that all. When we feel that connection then all feels right with the universe and when we dont we can feel totally shithouse regardless of our circumstances. I actually once remember being dressed in a killer black pantsuit, working in an amazing office, with pretty cool people and just feeling totally and completley disconnected from it all. I felt alone and small. I didnt feel like I was being true to myself which made all of my interactions with others feel inauthentic and plastic. It would not surprise anyone to read that even in my lamest jeans and a tee shirt with my birkenstocks on, I feel more whole, real, connected and confident sitting in an old and runned down house turn office in Vermont then I ever did in NYC. Our connections with others are our lifeline but we need to start with ourselves. We hear it in 12 step programs, we read it in many religious texts, even pop pyschoogy says it--our life when all is said and done is about the people who are close to us, the people we love. Deep down maybe we all know it. The moon is full and a little eerie tonite as I make my way to sleep. Who am I close to already? Who do I need to be closer to? and how do I get there from here? Maybe it is enough to just begin to mull it around. I will say that blogging is definitely helping me get more in touch with my own voice and really has helped me feel more connected to the universe (as noted in my cosntant corny comments about it). Whoever you are and wherever you are--I hope you feel connected to someone tonite. I like to think that we are all asleep in our beds with big giant crayon lines connecting the dots between the tops of our houses--a giant coloring book page from above. All of us connected and only the universe really knowing how or why...xx