sunday and not so blue

Another Sunday night. My blog is turning into a hate on Sunday night session and this must change. So boring. So tonite is a different kind of Sunday night. I am not alone and I actually got the things done today that make me feel good at the end of the night--clean house, and specifically clean bed, fridge full of some good homemade soup and chilli and kids clean and asleep. This is the kind of stuff that can make anyone go to bed feeling good pretty darn accomplished--well, at least anyone with a two and half year old and one year old. I am drinking my sleepytime tea and hoping for some drowsiness soon. Last night I went to the Wilson House in Dorset for the first time ever. It was really an amazing meeting and it gave me so many good blog topics. The most interesting of which is how recovery I think is a game of the heart not the head. So often I've intellectualized, deconstructed, analyzed the living hell out of myself, my program, the program, other people's programs...all of the mind work might be healthy for some (even for me) but not on this topic. I really believe that for recovery to be real, to work, you have to feel it not think it. Dont get me wrong, I thought my way out of a drink for at least a year and maybe more and I dont want to let that important ability go, but the other stuff--not the not drinking but the enjoying life stuff--that is the heart stuff. The heart stuff is more elusive and I think therefore less discussed. I was driving with this sort of newcomer home from the meeting and while I could explain that I htink good recovery is a heart thing...I really couldnt begin to explain how to get it other then to explain that qualities that I think have helped me to begin to get there...honesty, self awareness and just a real committment to being real and then you have to share that honest, real and true self with other people. A meeting, a friend, a therapist--someone or ones. YOu have to let people know your real self which means sharing when you feel like drinking and when you dont, when you feel happy and when you wish you could disappear. I am speaking only for myself when I write that this process of finding yourself again (or for the first time) is so exciting and painful and scary and empowering that it blows my mind on a semi daily basis. To me, recovering yourself can begin anytime you want it to and for any reason--we all deserve to be loved for who we really are not for some pretend version. The man I heard speak at the meeting last night, I have heard him speak many times before, but never like last night--he said that he was doing things differnetly now that he was being honest about how he felt and what was hard and not just saying what people expected a man with twenty plus years of sobriety to say. He was emotional and vulnerable in a way that I had never seen in him and rarely do in others and it was so touching and helpful. Later someone shared that is in sharing our vulnerable sides that we help others, sometimes more then in sharing our strength--it hit home for me. Sleep well and keep it real.

all you need is love

Tonite I had the distinct pleasure of spending time with some friends. Two friends, for many hours. We had tea and more tea and I tried to knit and watched them hook rugs. I layed on my friends big couch under a big wool blanket and ate peanut m&ms. We talked about being wives, mothers, employees. I was not feeling bad before I arrived but I was feeling good when I left. Happy. Connected to a universe that is much bigger then me and my small challenges. When I was leaving my friends house I looked up at the big almost round moon. I felt the cold snowy air. I breathed the clear magic that was all around me. I experienced another moment of gratitude. And a very rare moment of certainty followed. A certainty about myself, my feelings, my me. In a world that is often filled with self doubt (for me) it can be hard to feel totally myself, to feel totally accepted, to feel safe and ok with everything really on the table and yet--I do. For tonite I feel certain of myself in a way that I either have never had before or was never aware of--at least not sober. On this crazy windy cold almost full moon without any elicit substances and without any bad behavior--I heard my own voice, tell my own story and be proud of who I have become. The magic of friends and love never ceases to amaze me. Thank you universe. Good nigt Moon. xx

problem drinkers

Hi. I just wrote and deleted my first ever blog entry. I was afraid it would hit too close to home or something. I was writing to try to explain just how sad/hard/confusing/awkward/weird/unnerving and downright painful it is to see someone else close to you struggling w/ addiction or (just as bad almost) involved with someone who is struggling w/ addiction. There are no easy answers and I just hope on this rainy windy night that I'll find some strength to have some faith that there is plan for everyone that I am not supposed to understand. Another night that ends with giant size gratitude for my not so new life that still feels pretty darn new. Thank you universe for another challenging day that did not make me desire any substances--besides coffee and the promise of yet another morning where I will wake up and remember every single thing I just wrote and said tonite. Sometimes keeping it simple is where it is at. xx

another sunday night

Here it is. Sunday night again. Never my favorite night. Monday looms on the horizon and Thursday (my very favorite day) seems faraway. I am not sure what to write tonite. As usual I am stuck deep inside my head. Deep. Sunday nights are the worst for that. I can say that I am very happy that I am not still drinking bc Sunday nights after being drunk since Wed or Thursday was pretty darn awful. Painful. More then anything lonely. Ahhhh. Loneliness. There it is...a topic. Loneliness is a terrible feeling and made worse by the presence of many people. How is it that I can feel so lonely with people all around me? My husband, my children, my mother and yet, sometimes--not all of the time--I feel lonely anyway. Disconnected. Stuck in my thoughts, chasing my own demons--self doubt, inadequacy, fear.

On Saturday I went to a meeting and this very wise lady was speaking about change. She was saying that change was always hard for her bc she used to equate change with loss. I got it. I get it. To a large extent that is me. I am afraid of change and since life is always changing, I am always afraid, and when I am scared--I feel alone. When I write about it it helps bc I then realize it is really ridiculous to think that when things change that they get bad. Particulary when I can think of many times when things have changed in my life for the better--getting sober, getting prengant, getting married, getting my job at Sunrise. The funny part about those changes is that I picked them but not before I had the other scary changes, the ones I did not pick...losing my job in NYC, having a long and lonely relationship end when I didnt really want it to, leaving NYC, leaving my house first house in Vermont. I guess what I mean is that all of my happy changes came from some other changes that seemed not happy at the time. The universe has a plan for all of us. For me. For you. I guess we have to trust it. We have to ride the weirdo wave of fate until we crash into our free will and see what happens. We have to have faith in these uncertain times that even when we dont know what the fuck is going to happen--someone much wiser then us does. I will leave tonite by saying that I started out feeling a little sad and now feel connected to this great wide and starry universe. All of us wandering around trying to figure it all out. What a shame that with so much love around us we can ever be scared or lonely. What a tragic misuse of my (or anyone elses) mind power...wasting it on projecting bad stuff when I could be writing to you and being reminded of just how lucky I really am. Sober again tonite. xx

some days are better then others

Yesterday was terrible. Today was ok. I am hopeful for tomorrow. I could go on and on about why yesterday sucked. So many reasons, so little time. Sick child. Money stuff. Relationship stuff. Work stuff. Sucked. Everywhere I turned seemed to be another problem that I was confronted with. While I generally enjoy a good challenge--too many good challenges and I feel overwhelemd. When that happens nothing feels good and I start to feel like I am going to explode if I dont find a way to decompress a little. I know, not so hard to figure out, I used to drink to decompress. Now, I either run or write or when all else fails I try to focus on breathing and nothing else. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. Yesterday nothing worked, no time to run, too frustrated to write, too everything to do anything. The saving grace of yesterday was that my neti pot worked and my cold felt better. My daughter got antibiotics. My work issue got worked thru. In other words, thru the bad there was good. I love the quote that the only way around is thru. It has helped me so many times in recovery, in life. Some days are better then others bc sometimes the road thru is easy and sometimes it is long and dark. Luckily, sober I can find my way thru stuff a lot faster and with a little more grace then before. Also, as a bonus to a long day, at the end of today I found out that at least one person besides my mom (no offense mom) reads my blog at least once in a while or at least has checked it out. Sometimes being heard is enough. Here's to a sober today and a better tomorrow. xx

5 miles

As you can see in my title, yesterday I ran five miles. This is big for me bc I've never run that far before. The interesting thing is that I dont think it happened bc I am somehow in better shape now then before. It happened bc I thought it could. I just read this Buddhist quote "We are what we think, having become what we thought." this blows my mind bc I think when I am feeling my best, I am thinking my best. Sometimes I forgot to explore if I wasnt actually thinking my best before I was feeling my best. I think this is a fairly basic concept--my husband actually talks about this idea changing his life--every feeling is precipitated by a thought. If you want to change how you feel then you need to change how you think. While this seems deceptively simple my experience has been that changing how you think is actually really hard. It is hard to use your mind to change your mind but I do think it can be done. It just seems to require perserverance, discipline and above all--vigilance.

Of course I can bring this back to quitting drinking. When you first stop you are just constantly baraged w/ these thoughts about drinking, wanting to or not wanting to or wishing you could or wondering if you should or wondering what would happen if you did. In early recovery it is very hard to let go of these thoughts and it is easy to get stuck thinking about these things for long periods of time. I would be willing to bet that people who relapse actually do so because they simply get lost in their head.

At this point in my recovery that doesnt happen so much because I have learned that having one of those thoughts does not mean I have to have a hundred. It is like picking up the telephone and then realizing you can hang up if you dont like who it is. You dont have to stay with your thoughts and have a conversation if you dont want to. Now, I am trying to apply this simple concept to other areas of my life.

Recently, I have been struggling with fear and envy. I guess we all do but these two just keep coming back. They are my obstacles to peace and contentment. The fear comes in the form of what if...the envy generally takes a more insidious path that causes me to feel jealous at many other peoples happiness or success. Once I feel this terrible feeling I then feel quilty and like I must suck as a person for not being able to be happy for others. Perhaps there is a splash of self righteousness in there too bc I usually feel envy in places where I think the recepient of whatever goodness is not as good/kind/smart as me. It is insanity bc what truly good/kind/smart person is feeling envy at others happiness or material success? Jeepers. I know enought to know that under this envy is probably insecurity. My own desire for these things and then the resulting fear that I will never get them moves into my head before I know it and then I am thinking all abotu myself and not the other person at all. Ugh, selfishness the other demon.

Perhaps just focusing on the idea that I have exactly what I need and all is as it should be right now will help. I feel better at least having wrote it down. xx

2010 blogging

I've really fallen off on my blogging. The holidays were busy. Today I am at home because we got around two feet of snow in Bennington last night. I spent part of my morning looking at friends facebook profiles and ended up somehow feeling like the underachiever of the century. I know rationally that I am not that I do good work, have a great family etc but the contrast and compare game runs deep. I wonder if this is at all connected to anything about addiction or if it is just something that everyone struggles with? In an effort to elimate this ridiculous tendency from my being I am trying to write about it. It seems so silly when I read it. So negative and so not happiness producing. The negative thinking surly was/is a symptom of the problem of addiction. Happy, secure people do not drink themselves into an oblivion every night right? Ok, so knowing that I have this tendency to compare myself (unfavorably) to people now all I have to do is stop. Easier said then done. Maybe later today after the kids have a nap then I'll figure out how to be happy wiht myself as I am and stop comparing what I havent done with what everyone else has. Ugh. On a happy note, I have been running much more lately and feeling better as a result. Who knew that a water bottle that says Sweat at least once a day would help so much. x