change and more change

hi friends. today is wednesday. this is the first wednesday in five years that i did not have clinical supervision, did not get my coffee at south st cafe, and did not wake up in bennington, vt. so things here are different. i have found a pretty cool coffee spot that also sells home made bread. i dont know the people there though and so it feels like i am just visiting. in fact everything feels like i am just visiting. i guess this is what being new somewhere is all about. i am adjusting or trying to. mostly i am just floating around this new space, oddly aware of it not being my old space, and trying to be grateful for having such a beautiful and tranquil place to now call home. i am very clearly in some sort of inbetween time. not working yet and just sort of unpacking and setting up the stage for the new play that will be my life here--it all feels very surreal.

i do better writing at night, so i think i'll check back in then. right now i just feel sort of blank. hoping that changes soon. not used to ever feeling that way...xxk

hi all. today has been a tough day for me. i had an argument with my dad who is determined to leave the hospital how and when he wants and then i got a rejection letter from the job i thought i might get. apparently they did not do second interviews. they put a sticky note on the rejection letter that said that i was the second choice and good luck to me. i think this helped but i am not sure. i am actually not sure of much. not getting that job gives me more time to try to unwind from the crazy pace of the last month but it is still a hit to my ego and wallet. so much for feeling professionally invincible.

this brings me to it. my latest thought. how important to my self esteem or own sense of self is what others think of me? the real truth is that i am the same worker now that i was before i got that letter and i would be the same if i had gotten a call that i had the job. how i feel about myself and my work really should not be determined by one person who met me for an hour, but it still stings, as i guess these things are bound to do. all i can muster from this is the idea that i guess i should remain focused on substance abuse work and writing since that is really where my interest is anyway.

the stuff w/ my dad is harder. i feel hurt bc he isnt being nice--to me or anyone else. i feel sad that he makes choices for himself that seem, at best, short sighted and, at worst, dangerous. i think about all of the things i could try to do to make things better and then cant execute them so that they actually work. i think if we were closer maybe i'd have more of an impact but we're not and i don't. my feelings of powerlessness and fear seem to be coming in waves of increasing height. all of this while trying to pack and leave a job with coworkers that i love and will miss. not to mention friends i know and will miss. it is painful as shit and makes me want to cry and stomp my feet and cancel the moving trucks, but i dont. i wont.

for today i will take it one day at a time. i will finish my work. i will go home and go to a meeting. i will do the next right thing and then the next right thing after that. i will stop telling myself mean things and i will start the never ending process of building myself back up--i guess that is really what it is all about. thanks for helping me out. xxk

untitled

hi. tonite i cant even muster a title. wtf. i know. lazy. my brain though is really starting to feel the effects of the last few weeks of stress and it is not pretty. almost no creative energy. anyway, i wanted to write bc 1) i cant sleep and 2) i am leaving tomorrow for philadelphia to attend my dad's triple bypass surgery. it is so fucked up to really think about how our bodies work. how strong we are and then also how fragile. i know nothing groundbreaking in these ideas but it 12:02am and i havent slept well without a otc sleep aid in days. so i am always either drowsy from the sleep aid or tired from not sleeping. i almost broke down today and called for some ambien but then i remembered a friend telling me that her relapse started with ambien and i reconsidered. i've already also blogged about my previous relationship with ambien and how i dont think it is really healthy for me and my recovery, so i remain strong, and not sleeping.

i'll keep this short because my writing is painfully bad tonite. i am scared. i am scared of losing my dad. i thought about it tonite and i am not ready to lose him. i dont feel that i could handle it and i am terrified that i will be asked to. i understand that i likely will never feel ready for this but tonite i can say that i know i am not and i dont want it to happen. i also know i have no control over anything and that no matter what i need to accept what life offers me.

acceptance.

this is where i struggle. for the most part i believe that my sobriety, my recovery, my sense of myself is firm. solid. then there are events that push me and make me wonder. just how much can i take before i go back to being the old me. i want to fall down, cry, be a mess for a long time and let someone else be the adult. i want to smoke a pack of cigarettes in the dirtiest diviest bar imaginable while drinking johnny walker black and talking to strangers. i want to forget who i am. then i want to foget who my dad is. then i want to forget that in a few days someone is going to slice him open. i am tired of doing the right thing. tired of being strong. tired.

and then even as i write this i know that i dont want that either. i dont want to fall apart. i dont want to go back to needing that option. i am not that person anymore and i dont even want to be. who i want to be is me like i am now--just not having this happen. i want to control the universe so things go the way that i want. i want to keep everyone i love and like and know right here with me and never let them go. i dont want anyone to get hurt or cry or go away. not now and not ever.

when i was 11 or 12 my dad moved out of our house. i remember watching his tail lights as his car pulled away. i said out loud i think, dont leave me. i meant it. i knew he had to go then but i wasnt ready and. it is true, probably i never would have been. tonite as i sit here i feel just like that 11 year old kneeling and looking out the window. i know i cant change anything but i wish i could.

tomorrow i will put these feelings away. i dont want my dad or my family to have to think about my feelings when we should be concentrating on my dad. for tonite, they are here though and this is their moment. i am scared and i feel like a child. i dont want to ever think about my parents not being here with me and i hate the fact that i have to. when i went to get gas in my car earlier tonite, i stood staring at the drinks in the shell station. finally i grabbed some weird seltzer lemon thing. out of the corner of my eye i saw the beer in the next cooler down. i imagined waking up on my front porch having never even made it inside. i imagined my kids and family having to take care of me. i realized then that i can do this. i dont want to but i can and i will. i havent made it this far to turn back now. hope you are still on your path too. wherever we are going--i hope we all get there in one piece. xx

hi. today it is tuesday night. yesterday, i gave my notice at work. my last day of work will be 8/18. it is strange just how reflective i am over this. i have spent the last 8, nearly 9, years working there. it is my home away from home. it was when i started really liking my job working with teen mothers that i started taking a look at myself. it was my work with these young women, my relationships with them, that changed me. i mean i was always me but these girls, they made me want to be a better me. i found myself encouraging them to make healthy choices and feeling that i had a choice to make. if i stayed working with these girls i knew i had to stop drinking. i just didnt have it in me anymore to say one thing and then conduct my life in a totally different way. it was wrong and i knew it. once i realized that, i guess my life was already really changed or changing.

so yesterday and today full of so much other business-my dad's upcoming surgery, job interviews in ny, house stuff, my moms cat bite, my own health stuff, i have found myself distracted. maybe not quite able to really take in that i am leaving. perhaps this is protective. there is no real way to leave anything--except to leave. i know deep down that it is time anyway, that i have grown up and am ready for a change, that i have learned and done what i was supposed to and now i need to find the next thing. i know that i leave this job and this town more whole and capable then i ever thought possible.

i remember sitting in my first therapist's office, age 28, no friends, a boyfriend who i didnt understand and just crying. i would sit and cry on her couch and hold this big teddy bear that she had. i would leave her office and stop and pick up a twelve pack. i would drink six or seven beers in a row. smoke a joint. take a sleeping pill. and then try to sleep. i just didnt understand why my boyfriend was ruining my life and why i wasnt happy. i never told her about my drinking. i didnt think it was relevant.

today there is little in my life that i dont find relevant. this is my recovery. the realization that all of me, every single cell, organ, tissue is relevant, real, connected and ultimately ok. hope you all are feeling just as ok tonite too. thx for listening again tonite. xxk