the real k

anyway, so today i had coffee with an old friend. i missed her so much it made me want to cry seeing her. it was so much fun to just talk. it made me think about healthy relationships and how easy it is to know when things are right because they feel right. you leave a good friend and feel happy. you go to yoga and leave feeling strong, clear, good. good and healthy things actually make me feel good and...yes, healthy. it is unfamiliar territory for me sometimes but it is starting to be easier for me to connect the dots, do the math. doing the right thing and being with people who also do the right thing feels so fucking good.

i used to not think that. i used to only relate to people not doing the right thing. secrets. drama. mystery. etc. give me someone cheating on their boyfriend, husband, someone hating their job, someone hating their life and i immmediately and instantly liked this person. truth be told i am not sure i liked them or just liked how i felt around them. i.e. normal. their insanity mirrored my own and it felt comfortable to be around--it felt exhilirating--the way that roller coaster rides do--only maybe better. when i was drinking i craved this adrenaline fueled relationship, friendship, life. it felt just so right to feel wrong. i didnt get it at all. i thought i had it all figured out.

it took a long time for me to get this. but i am going to tell you here. it is not more fun to use drugs and drink then it is to be sober. you dont feel happier or better using then you do sober. i guess you might think you are having more fun, and maybe there were times on martini 3 that i thought i was happy but here is the trick--i was not actually happy. when i woke up the next day--happiness was nowhere to be found. you dont find happiness when you cant remember where you were, what you said, or who you talked to. you cant find it bc it is not there.

so, if any of you who are reading this are drinking. are thinking of stopping. or are thinking of starting. take it from me that happiness really is the byproduct of right action. i heard it in AA 7 years ago. wrote it on yellow post its and posted that shit all over my apt. i had that phrase everywhere--and still today i return to it. i am doing the right thing and...yes, i am sort of, well, happy. i hope you are too. xxk

You heard it first here

Today is Tuesday. I managed to write yesterday despite feeling so boxed up and tight and closed that it took effort and some luck to get a single word out. Today is the opposite. Today I feel more open. More ready to face things. I looked outside this morning at the Hydrangeas. They dared me to be sad, to feel sorry for myself, to feel inadequate--while still taking them in. Of course they won. Sitting there looking at the plump angels play with the big insane blueness behind them--all of them blooming for me. All of my gifts in front of me. The Universe seemed to be saying--Is it really that bad? Is life really hard or really easy? Only I get to decide. Today I choose easy. Today I choose faith in the dirt, in the rain, in the babies with their sticky hot bodies, and in the people, my people--wandering around here, like me, and like him, confused, trying, being ok, just for another day, hanging on as the earth spins around. xx

Box of Darkness and Other Gifts

Hi All. Yes, it has been a long time. Summer is here and life is busy. Things are going ok. I have been working more and going to meetings and being in the sun and playing w/ the kids and basically enjoying the ease that warm weather and sunshine brings to the Catskills. Last night I got some scary news about a family member. It got me twisted up good. All of my fears resurfaced. Many bigger and scarier then before. So I am writing about them I guess. My fears. My fear of losing people that I love. One person. My fear of not being in control. I'm not. My fear of making mistakes. I do. My fear of not being able to protect my children from my mistakes, from pain, from life. I can't.
I sit here. Typing. Afraid. Alone. Not alone. Connected. Then disconnected. Moment to moment. Changing. Thoughts racing by like clouds. One then the other moving so fast and then seeming to not move at all. I vascillate between feeling empowered and totally powerless. I dont understand what I am supposed to do or how. I wait for answers. I act anyway. I try. I hold my baby boy. I feel his plump arms and legs. His solid body and smell is sweaty hair. I feel connected and alive and ok. I feel like crying. I cant cry. I just hold him. I hold him and wonder what will happen next.