positive reframes and some tuesday optimism

it is the afternoon and i am writing. i am listening to joni mitchell and i just made bolognese sauce--how bad can things be? really? i took some personal time today to accomplish some errands related to my daughters 3rd birthday (which is tomorrow). i dont often take this time and i have to say that i feel pretty good about it. is it possible that half my problem is just not having enough time? could it be that simple?

the last few days i've been in an official thinking funk. just thinking wrong, negative. lazy thinking. some might say thinking like i was drinking but i dont even think so...more like thinking like a tired sober person which might be close to the same? not sure. today i had a somewhat rare moment of actually hearing myself think and paying attention to it. i heard myself saying this (to myself)--i think i might be getting depressed, i cant get out of it, things are not going to get easier-- they are going to get harder, i am screwed. then it hit me. wtf am i saying to myself. would i say this to anyone? i consider myself a pretty optimistic person. i would never think--let alone say--that things are bound to only get worse. and yet to myself i say these things. these negative, self defeating things i tell myself. no, i dont say them outloud but i might as well. shit, it might even help to hear it. then i could realize how crazy it is. eventually i can convince myself that this stuff is true. i can seriously convince myself of almost anything. i could be a lawyer with how persuasive i can be with myself.

so today i am choosing to work on persuading myself to think positive. i am going to be vigilant with these automatic negative thoughts and i am going to squash them with a giant size mental foam hammer when they pop up. these thoughts are my enemy and they got to go, bc they are taking up the space that i need for my new solid, disciplined, positive thinking.

i want to say that i am sorry for anyone who reads this with any regularity since i know i tend to hit the same topics over and over. negative thinking being a big topic lately. i guess i am a pretty slow learner and this is where i try to learn or relearn or self correct. someone once asked me a year or so ago what i thought my special talent was--it took me forever to think of anything. then i finally realized--i may fall but goddamn can i bounce back. i am a really good bouncer. heres to us all bouncing back. xx

nights of rodanthe and other low points

i'm back on the writing train. it is sunday afternoon and i am writing before i attempt to make dinner early. today i took my kids to the park early in the morning. it was way colder then i expected and windy. they had hats but no mittens and i felt like a bad mommy despite my daughters constant reassurance that she was ok. when another dad came with very well bundled kids i felt worse. bad bad mommy. trying to juggle two small kids can be maddening but outside it is actually easier--even when the weather is not totally cooperative it is better to be out there. more space. more room to breathe for all of us.

had a tough night last night. without getting into details i felt really sorry for myself. i felt sad. i cried for the first time in a long time. i watched a lame, sappy movie and loved it. i wished richard gere would come and save me from myself and my responsibilities and my confusion. i wished for a referee to come and tell me how right i was. how justified my anger and sadness were. i couldnt sleep.

this morning my daughter says to me--why dont you wipe the sad off your face and gives me a tissue. i wasnt crying so i was confused, but then i realized i felt sad and probably looked like i felt sad. i decided to try to wipe the sad off. hence the early park trip. it did work a little. i felt less sad. i felt ok. i was happy we went and had fun. i am ok now.

someone commented on one of my earlier posts that obsessive thought disorder (something i was diagnosed with when drinking) is fundamentally about not being in the moment. it is about being somewhere else besides present. this makes sense to me. maybe this is why i am so drawn to buddhism. i know in the back of my mind that i need to work on being in the here and now and not in the was or the could be. this is really smart bc the right now is not overwhelming, is not scary, is not sad. why i want to be somewhere else so often is really beside the point. i just need to start bringing it right back to now. one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. xx

a drama queen seeks enlightenment

well. it has been a while since my last post or at least the last post that i completed and published. i was ridiculously busy for a while back there and now things have mellowed out a little and i find myself...a little restless. yes, i'll say it first here. i am a drama queen. i am. i used to deny this or find the idea revolting but i think this is just evidence of the whole the truth hurts thing. but for as much as this truth hurts it does also set me free a little. now i know. granted, this revealation took a while but like all good revealations lets assume that they just come exactly when they are supposed to. i have to say it--cliche as it is--when the student is ready the teacher appears.

here i am. ready. now where the f*ck is my teacher? i have a vision of some shaven hairless zen female monk somewhere who is just waiting for me to figure out that the path to happiness is not lined with one drama after another and then out of nowhere she'll appear to steer me in the very moderate and blissfully serene direction. yet even as i write this i think--is there lots of coffee in the serene direction? can i still be passionate about social injustice, poverty, recovery, education, food? i am assuming the answer is yes but i admit to not totally getting it. on the one hand i sort of know that a more moderate approach to life makes sense but on the other hand i feel like part of me, being me, is well...being somewhat extreme in some areas. there are nicer ways of saying it. passionate. intense. but we all know what we mean. a little on the dramatic side. i little prone to the adrenaline rush that comes from being in the epicenter of life--and not gentle easy life. hardcore and intense human emotions seem to really make me happy. i feel at home. powerful reality. i feel at home when thing are really really messy and intense.

where i dont feel at home is, well, on the moderate, even, gentle side of things. i feel pretty bored. pretty disinterested. i feel basically nothing like myself. then i feel self loathing bc i get it. i get that i cant enjoy (or at least fully enjoy) the easy, good, day to day stuff that seems like it really makes other people happy. my kids do help in this area bc they seem to pack a magical punch into the mundane but they go to sleep at seven or eight and then i am back to me. back to looking for some action. on some nice easy days i can tolerate or even enjoy this part of the day and then on other nights i find myself uncomfortable with this downtime.

lately, i have been reading some thich nhat hanh again bc somehow it helps me. brings me back to myself and away from my own constant monologue. reminds me that life involves both suffering and happiness. reminds me to smile. reminds me that the most effective peace work begins with making peace with ourselves. that being said, i am going to try to accept all of me. the good, the bad, and the dramatic. xx

wow. i dont know what to say about the last few days--other then you rarely fully understand the power of sleep until you dont have any. i guess sleep is like all things really--only fully appreciated when you dont have them anymore. i know some people can appreciate what they have, when they have it, but not me--not so much. sometimes but not that often. most of the time i go swimmingly about my day only to one day miss something that seems like it was just there a minute ago. then i romanticize the living hell out of that thing or person or job or event until it barey resembles the actual event...it is weird. like a self designed regret tool.

i dont know how or why i thought of this romanticizing things topic. probably because i am blind tired and yet unable to sleep. i got thinking about various relationships and events that i tell myself were one way when really they were many different ways. some good. some not so good. revisionist history. in the moment i see the shades of gray that most people, events and things fall into but somehow once something or someone is squarely in my past--they go into this sort of weird black or white category. i dont really understand it. then i very stealthly compare my new black or white memory to my current gray reality. thus perpetuating my very own semi-permenant state of discontent.

maybe i am not really a family worker at all but deep down just a story teller looking for a fix. constantly fascinated by both my own life and everyone elses. i tell my stories about my life and call it the truth. i tell stories about other peoples lives, as i see them, and call that the truth. constantly forgetting that there is no real truth separate from me. no real story separate from the story teller. it reminds me of something i heard recently on vpr. an author speaking about how the narrator of his story was ultimately not to be really trusted but the entire time you are reading you dont know this. you take the narrators story as the truth. it is a given. i dont know about this anymore. dont know what my story is. i just know that i need to keep telling it until i figure it out. carefully pulling the truth out of the fiction.

somehow writing helps me do this. i see the words and i feel like i am getting closer to my own truth or i see the words and call bullshit on myself and delete them. either way, i am working on it. a work in progress. sometimes i like my progress and sometimes i just feel like a fraud and hope nobody notices. tonite, a little tired, a little discouraged, a little unsure, i sit here alone in the dark w/ a computer. i know this writing is just for me but somehow it helps that you--whoever you are are reading.

i'll end by saying that i used to love bars of any and all kind. i would sit down, have a drink, and just instantly feel connected to people. i'd sit there imagining all of the people at the bar connected by these thin lines. then i'd feel what i then thought was true happiness. tonite, as usual, i feel this way as i finish my entry. when i write i feel connected, i guess mostly to me, but to you too. hope you feel it too. another sober night. another morning i'll remember. true happiness--or at least getting closer. xx

wednesday night. workday cut short by migraine headache which appears, at least temporarily, to be worked out--thanks to large amounts of extra strength tylenol and a dark bedroom for a few hours. crisis averted. sitting here next to my daughter who is not in bed at 8:12 drinking chocolate milk after just finishing her second strawberry yogurt. her tests that i was obsessing about in my last post came back totally 100% normal. my sons slept thru the night last night with only a mild cough.

today one of my childcare providers called me in the early afternoon--the site of this number on my caller id unexpected can send me into immediate panic. i remained calm. she went on to explain w/ panic in her voice that her child was sick and she would need to be closed tomorrow. she sounded awful. i felt awful, immediately i felt her pain, fear, worry almost as if it was my own. imagining it was my child who was being admitted to the hospital, not hers. i hung up. i tried to be grateful that the call was not about my son or daughter. i was a little but mostly i just felt reminded that life in its weird and strange ways can twist and turn in just the direction that we are least likely to see coming.

a good friend of mine, and fantastic writer, commented on my last post. she touched on this topic too. this fear that comes w/ being a parent. in "operating instructions" i remember anne lamott talking about how after she had her son she had this fear/realization that she had finally created something which she could not bare to lose. that sentiment has stayed w/ me for years--mostly i guess bc it captures rhe essence of my own fear so well.

is there an answer to any of this? i dont know. i do know that while sitting in an AA meeting last night a man was talking about how his children have their own higher power and it is not him. this helped me. i think about how no matter how many times i rehearse my worst fears probably, as ame pointed out, to somehow immunize myself from them--it doest ever really work. i feel more scared not less.

driving home last night--from the meeting i attended to try to get away from the hospital i had been in yesterday and from the tests which ended up fine. i drove. sky dark. stars everywhere. i felt us all connected. i felt that no matter where i live or go--i am connected, i am myself, i stay the same and bring all of the love i have found and can give with me. i felt at peace. it was only a moment but it was there.
xx

three words

sunday night w/ the oscars. carpentar ants. house full of coughs from different rooms. and me losing my mind over not one but a whole host of different fears i've created and continue to play thru while the rest of the house sleeps. my sons cough will be found to be something serious which will wind me up in a childrens hospital forever. my daughters uti will be linked to the coffee i drank when i was nursing. my sons cough will be linked to the soap, detergent, milk, non-organic bananas that i choose. my daughters uti will be linked to the vast amount of cereal, mac n cheese and microwave pancakes that she eats. everything will be my fault. my wrong choices. my lack of information. i think my last blog was about accepting not being in the drivers seat. f*ck.

when i was still drinking i had panic attacks, mild social anxiety, dysthmia, and my personal favorite--obsessive thought disorder. or as my husband likes to joke, otd. what all of these diagnoses had in common was that they were given to me at a time in my life when any or all of them would probably have applied--when i was still using alcohol to cope with any and all discomfort that i felt and when i consistently felt not ok. broken. the labels were irrlevant but the desire to find the problem was constant. i felt sort of perpetually not really right. broken.

this is relevant now bc i can pretty easily go back there. feel--wrong. worry my kids are broken or wrong too. it takes a lot of work for me to realize that neither of those things are true--at least not right now. all is ok. i'll write it again...all is ok. three little words but so hard to internalize sometimes, so hard to remember. i dont know if i like the drama? feed off the insanity or just am pretty hard wired to worry. the point is that when the worrying starts--it is tough to stop.

last night i lay in bed worrying about a pretty minor test my daughter needs to have this week. i resisted the urge to one more time google the test in some sort of crazy information seeking frenzy--which would inevitably lead to me finding the worst possible case scenario and then reading a blog written for parents of child with said problem. this sort of late night google fest/ weird hypochondria like freak out could go on as long as an hour until something inside would tell me to stop and like magic--i'd x out of the box and return to attempt to sleep. then sit and wonder why sleep is so fucking hard. inevitably i'll be looking for a sleeping pill at 2am and being pissed that i waited so long bc know i'll be drowsy at 6. w/out the pill i may not sleep at all though and so i assess drowsy as better then totally unrested and split the pill in half while silently reminding myself that i cant take another for a while bc this shit is not really my best choice given my already much blogged about addiction issues.

what to do? i dont know. for tonite, after my blog, i will try to imagine the best possible case scenarios for all things for my children and focus on them until i sleep. i will do this with such discipline and effort that buddha himself would be impressed. i will do this bc i know i have to. i know my brain needs a new path, a new road and i know i need to go over and over this path until my brain goes there instead of google or (worse) web md.

thanks for listening--again--it really does help to write it down. makes me laugh out loud sometimes. xx

live and let live

i know, the slogans are a little tired but my life seems to be working in such a way lately that all slogans seem to apply and make sense. live and let live is a slogan i've been really digging lately. mostly bc i have taken it to mean that we cant control other people or things and being someone who generally likes to exercise control over people and things this serves as a gentle reminder that this is really not such a good idea.

to the extent that i can work this slogan--i think i can actually begin to be happy in the moment and stop being so irritated that shit is not working out the way that i want. this represents huge progress for me in the accepting things (and people) as they are and not trying to improve them according to my liking. this feels like a big giant relief. life is hard enough when you are just living it for yourself, trying to run it for many other people is downright unmanageble, crazy and really unfun besides which it takes the surprises out of how things are going to go when i try to plan it all.

so today i am working the solution. living and let live. taking care of my side of the street and letting everyone else do their own work. am i tempted (often) to give advice? yeah, have i managed to not say anything. yes, sometimes i have. i am proud of myself for this. i feel some growth in this area which is really cool. it is sunny out and i feel pretty accepting of the universe and all of us crazy fools in it. progress not perfection. xx

work problems not otherwise specified

that pretty much sums it up. without getting into detail about the unpleasant end of my day i will say it is work related. if the lesson i am somehow supposed to learn is that there needs to be a solid (not dotted or dashed) line between work and home then the universe has conspired to help me get this one right. i am once again faced w/ a work situation that i find devestating and a brain that, despite various interventions, will not shut down for the night. writing seems the only way to tame this crazy lion brain that roars and paces-- so i will try it again.

anyway, faced with this crazy situation i come head to head with some of the most challenging lessons of my life so far, some lessons of recovery, but mostly just lessons of growing up. i have no control over how anything turns out. none. zero. nothing. i do my best or try and then i have to let other people do their best or try. i have to live and let live. note to self: this is not live and force others to live how i want them to. really when i write about this it does become somewhat laughable. since when did i become an authority on how anyone else should live. i know my story. i know other stories like mine. i dont know anyone who changed their life for the better because everything was going just great. i dont know anyone who changed their life for the better the first time shit hit the fan. as they say, pain is the touchstone for growth. that said, why would i want to deny anyone the right to feel that pain, to learn the lessons, to grow, to change, or to not grow, to not change, to hurt until the need to change outweighs the desire to keep things the same. take the hurt away and in many ways, at least to me, you just prolong the learning of the lesson.

there is no one that doesnt deserve the right to learn their own lessons. not my children, not my parents, not my coworkers or friends and certainly not the families with whom i work. my desire to control. to feel safe. to feel important or smart or needed. i see that. my ego disguised as my friend.

i am just one person. i am just one person in a giant universe full of other just one persons. i realize on nights like tonite that sometimes shit does not make sense. kids get hurt. parents get hurt. sometimes there is no right answer, no right thing to do or say and it hurts. it hurts to just be there--witnessing pain--i cant help it, i think of walking away so i dont have to see anymore. i think of us all walking away to look at nice, pretty, and easy things. i think of all of the people and children who need honest and real adults to be present with them. i think of how we all wish we were somewhere else in some of these times. i want to give us all a hug. all of us wishing we were somewhere else and yet somehow staying right there anyway. xx