Ok, so here it is. The truth. Unabridged. Memorial Day weekend makes me want to drink. Not always but usually. I know all of the stuff that you can say back to me about how it is a miracle that I dont always want to drink, how I should be grateful, how lucky I am that I got the gift of recovery. All of this is true. I am lucky. I am grateful. I still want a drink sometimes. Ok, not a drink. Many drinks. Memorial Day makes me want to be at a picnic somewhere very rustic and preppy and wear navy blue and bright yellow and drink white wine and bbq. Memorial Day makes me want to be near the Ocean and drink beer, really cold in bright red big plastic cups and smoke cigarettes and be selfish and self absorbed and sun burned and wear jean shorts and flip flops. Memorial Day wknd makes me nostalgic. This nostalgia is interesting because what I am nostalgic for I am not sure I ever really had. A nice crisp buzz that didnt turn sloppy, ugly, embarassing or drunk. A drink or two. Once again I fall prey to every alcholics worst enemy--the idea of being a normal drinker and enjoying alcohol without any consequences. I could feel relaxed, giggly, warm all over and then just stop drinking. I mourn this idea nearly every early summer and it is sad and hard and stupid all at once.
Being self centered I admit to sometimes thinking about just going for it. I tell myself that I'd get back to recovery because I was never that self destructive anyway. I tell myself that I would just take a little free ride. Blame it on my disease and then return to my life humbled, with that glass of wine, shot of tequila, cold Stella, glass of Johnny Walker Black-- out of my system and move on. A good story to tell. I tell myself I'd be more interesting. I say--all alcholics relapse at some point. I imagine my own story revised with a wknd or week long relapse inserted for drama and credibility. I imagine myself stronger and more sober following my research. I dont imagine the embarassment, hurt, pain, shame, low self esteem, sickness, and then all of the other awful potentials the scenario could cause. I dont imagine that ever. I am a good alcoholic. I keep it simple. I dont imagine that that drink could be the end forever of my sobriety. I dont imagine that I might try over and over after that to stay sober and in the process destroy my family, my friends, my life. I dont imagine the real thing. I gloss it over, make it pretty, keep it simple.
After I am done making myself crazy--I tell you all. I see all of my distortions. I feel sorry for myself. Then, as usual, I stop. I look around. I get a small little glimmer of hope...I think about how I will talk to someone at the meeting tonite abotu this. I think, yes, I can have a cigarette if I really want. I think yes, I can have a drink if I really want. I remind myself that no one has taken anything away from me. I remind myself that all of my choices are mine--to make or not. I remind myself that sobriety is freedom. I remember that when I drink--I dont get to decide. I feel lucky. I feel grateful. I dont want to give up my freedom. It is easy to take for granted because I've had it now for a while but it is also easy to lose. I dont want to go back to needing to pick restaurants, friends, sports, hotels, vacations, jobs based on my ability to drink or not.
So, for today--I choose not to drink. Just for today, I choose to keep my choices. To maintain my freedom. I choose to embrace my sometimes hard, sometimes easy, sometimes complicated, sometimes sad, often happy and generally good life. One day at a time--I think I'll make it thru another Memorial Day Weekend. xxK
