Hi All,
Today is Wednesday. A few days ago my Dad left to go back to NJ. Yes, my same Dad who just weeks ago was in a severe depression is now apparently not in a severe depression. What made his leaving so strange was that he told me that his plan was to stay here, to move to NY etc. I knew he was in a depression when he was making this plan but I believed him anyway. I choose to believe what I wanted to. I sort of manipulated my reality, like I am good at, to convince myself that with new meds, a new Dr, and new habits that my Dad would change and suddenly be a new and better version of himself. I thought now he will want to spend time with me and my children, now we will all heal from the losses and changes of the last 20 years. I thought really, I will do this. I will fix him and heal him and make everything better.
Smart people pointed out to me that it is not my job to fix him, that I can only do what I can do, that I need to take care of myself etc. I knew what they meant but deep down...I guess I thought I knew better just how great a fixer I really can be. So, I went about trying to fix. My Dad got better and then left. He didnt say thank you or I'll come back soon to live or anything. He just said...I need to go.
Now I am sitting on my couch. I have not sat on my couch for months--not really. I have been too busy doing and fixing and thinking about fixing and doing. Now, I am sitting finally. Alone. Tired. Strung out on my own attempts at being the fixer. I sit here tired but changed.
I see so clearly now what maybe other saw all along. This is not my job. It is not my job to fix my Dad. It is not my job to heal him or to make a plan for him. I tried to help him, I offered to help him, I was here and he choose not to do things the way that I suggested. He has a right to make that choice. I have a right to make other choices. I have a right to not engage in this codependent, sick, toxic, and basically sick situation anymore. It just hit me the other day--I do not have an obligation to continue to be hurt by him. I am not obligated to continue to pick up the pieces of his life while he stands and watches me and then tells me what I missed. It is his job and when I do it--guess what--he doesn't. I used to feel bad that maybe he won't do it but now I see that I cannot take responsibility for that. It is not my responsibility--it is his.
I have to let go. I have to let go of the dream that I will make my Dad be how I want him to be. I have to let go of the dream that he will be anyone other then who he really is--a sometimes loving, funny, headstrong, force to be reckoned with. A man who taught me how to ride a bike and who also taught me that sometimes what people need most is to be accepted for who they really are. Up and down. North and south. Inside and out. Back and forth. I will let my Dad go be where he is happy. He deserves that.
Now, it is time for me to go be where I am happy. Time for me to return to be fully present in my own life. A daughter, mother, sister--flawed, trying, and learning all of the time just what it means to love someone. xxK
Today is Wednesday. A few days ago my Dad left to go back to NJ. Yes, my same Dad who just weeks ago was in a severe depression is now apparently not in a severe depression. What made his leaving so strange was that he told me that his plan was to stay here, to move to NY etc. I knew he was in a depression when he was making this plan but I believed him anyway. I choose to believe what I wanted to. I sort of manipulated my reality, like I am good at, to convince myself that with new meds, a new Dr, and new habits that my Dad would change and suddenly be a new and better version of himself. I thought now he will want to spend time with me and my children, now we will all heal from the losses and changes of the last 20 years. I thought really, I will do this. I will fix him and heal him and make everything better.
Smart people pointed out to me that it is not my job to fix him, that I can only do what I can do, that I need to take care of myself etc. I knew what they meant but deep down...I guess I thought I knew better just how great a fixer I really can be. So, I went about trying to fix. My Dad got better and then left. He didnt say thank you or I'll come back soon to live or anything. He just said...I need to go.
Now I am sitting on my couch. I have not sat on my couch for months--not really. I have been too busy doing and fixing and thinking about fixing and doing. Now, I am sitting finally. Alone. Tired. Strung out on my own attempts at being the fixer. I sit here tired but changed.
I see so clearly now what maybe other saw all along. This is not my job. It is not my job to fix my Dad. It is not my job to heal him or to make a plan for him. I tried to help him, I offered to help him, I was here and he choose not to do things the way that I suggested. He has a right to make that choice. I have a right to make other choices. I have a right to not engage in this codependent, sick, toxic, and basically sick situation anymore. It just hit me the other day--I do not have an obligation to continue to be hurt by him. I am not obligated to continue to pick up the pieces of his life while he stands and watches me and then tells me what I missed. It is his job and when I do it--guess what--he doesn't. I used to feel bad that maybe he won't do it but now I see that I cannot take responsibility for that. It is not my responsibility--it is his.
I have to let go. I have to let go of the dream that I will make my Dad be how I want him to be. I have to let go of the dream that he will be anyone other then who he really is--a sometimes loving, funny, headstrong, force to be reckoned with. A man who taught me how to ride a bike and who also taught me that sometimes what people need most is to be accepted for who they really are. Up and down. North and south. Inside and out. Back and forth. I will let my Dad go be where he is happy. He deserves that.
Now, it is time for me to go be where I am happy. Time for me to return to be fully present in my own life. A daughter, mother, sister--flawed, trying, and learning all of the time just what it means to love someone. xxK
