another night that i find myself home and the only person awake in this house--a blessing and a curse. i hate to say i have been struggling because it really seems like struggling is all i do and write about. determined to be honest though i will continue to try to make sense of this. it has been suggested to me in the past, and more recently, that i have some codependence issues. ok, i sort of know this. i dont know it the way that i knew i was an alcoholic but i suspect it and am open to the truth that deep down this particular brand of truth may be the most painful of them yet. as i said to a friend the other day--this stuff--it almost hurts more because it feels like my identity and personality is sort of at stake. (yes, i felt this way initially about drinking too.) clinging to self destructive behavior this tight is just not a good sign...
so here i go. attempting to deal with the obsessive thinking, over thinking, analyzing, blaming, endless worrying, and basic insanity that comes with thinking too much about others and not enough about myself. i'll say it--it is overwhelming. for all of my life now, part of my personality has been to get deeply invested in romantic relationships very quickly and then to--obsess over said person until said person has made me so sick, so tired, so disappointed that i feel that i have no choice but to leave them. not before i've analyzed, criticized, and distorted said person and said relationship into a big blur of pain and confusion.
i am not sure from the outside that it looks this crazy, it might, but it also may just look like i moved on. i will state here to you all that i think it is possible that i never really moved on from anyone. of course i guess physically i did but emotionally--i dont know--i feel tethered to people still that i dont even know anymore or not really. for a very long time i thought this made me superior to other people who drew harder lines about this sort of thing but lately--i wonder where the boundary actually is and if it is even there at all.
enter current situation. marriage. hard for everyone--right? but for someone like me. fuck. the only way for me to really describe it is that it most closely resembles how i felt in 10th grade math when the teacher said--can you explain to me where you stopped understanding and i wanted to say somewhere around 8th grade. i was so lost i didnt know where or when i got lost. this is a pretty good way to describe how i feel about marriage. sometimes i feel on track, good, on top of it--healthy and happy. other days i feel as though i am not sure i even know how to get back to where i used to get it. or maybe i never did. you see the problem...
i dont trust myself. i dont trust my own interpretation of events, of discussions, or of tones of voice, facial expressions, body language. to me, most signs usually point to there is a problem. i dont mean to say that there is usually a problem though--i mean to say that i see problems where other people might see--i dont know, a bad day? i loathe this about myself. no melodrama. i really hate this abotu myself. a particularly astute and verbally inclined old boyfriend once said--you cant make me your hobby. of course i showed him that i indeed could and would. this, by the way, is not recommended to try at home.
so most jokes aside--here i am. i feel hurt, again. i feel sad, again. and this time maybe for htis first time i question how valid the thoughts that lead to those feelings really are? yes, how i feel is true but is my thinking that got me there to be trusted? i am starting to think that perhaps it is not. no answers here, just questions.
i know this--i feel better after writing this. i know for sure that i am not, nor have i ever been, broken beyond repair or recovery. i am just another person trying to make sense of this crazy world and my place in it. sometimes this feels good and sometimes it hurts. sometimes growth really hurts and a small part of me wants to curl up and hide and cry and feel sorry for myself. i wont do this though. i will force myself to have another look at this no matter how much i want to close my eyes and point my finger. for tonite--the only person who i need to worry about saving--is me. xxk
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
getting lost--and then getting back on track
hi all. tonite is a weird night. i have a new teacher, have mixed feelings about work, and feel sort of all over the map. what little that was beginning to feel comfortable from my move in september seems to have turned upside down again--at least sort of.
tonite i was driving home from school and having taken a friend home was in a new part of town. i have taken this person home before and when i made this turn--i immediately felt like it was wrong. then i told myself no, the person said turn left. so i drove on for like 5 miles the entire time thinking...this is wrong. finally i turned around, went back, and corrected myself. once back on track i wondered why it took me so long to correct myself--since i knew almost immediately i was off track. i didnt trust myself though and so got had to get really far into being lost before i believed i should turn around.
i know obvious metaphor alert but i am tired and this is where i am going tonite. maybe sobriety/recovery/growth is not about not making mistakes but about trusting our intuition and correcting them as soon as we can and then not beating ourselves up later for having made them at all. i guess the real wisdom would say good job getting back on track. i know this, next time i will not make that same mistake--maybe another--but not that one. perhaps this is all we can really ask of ourselves. another sober night that ends with me learning something--even if it only to veer right at the v. xxk
tonite i was driving home from school and having taken a friend home was in a new part of town. i have taken this person home before and when i made this turn--i immediately felt like it was wrong. then i told myself no, the person said turn left. so i drove on for like 5 miles the entire time thinking...this is wrong. finally i turned around, went back, and corrected myself. once back on track i wondered why it took me so long to correct myself--since i knew almost immediately i was off track. i didnt trust myself though and so got had to get really far into being lost before i believed i should turn around.
i know obvious metaphor alert but i am tired and this is where i am going tonite. maybe sobriety/recovery/growth is not about not making mistakes but about trusting our intuition and correcting them as soon as we can and then not beating ourselves up later for having made them at all. i guess the real wisdom would say good job getting back on track. i know this, next time i will not make that same mistake--maybe another--but not that one. perhaps this is all we can really ask of ourselves. another sober night that ends with me learning something--even if it only to veer right at the v. xxk
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
as sick as our secrets
hi all. just reread last night's post. realize that i missed something important. how most people who struggle with addictions work very hard to keep it a secret. i can and should only talk about my own experience...so, that said, i know that after i stopped drinking their were some of my closest and dearest friends a little surprised. many in different but the same words told me that they felt bad, that they didnt know how bad it was, or that they didnt see it.
the amount of time and energy that drinking and then covering up my drinking took up is hard to really convey. i guess it varied. different times in my life were worse then others. but one thing was constant--no one knew how much i drank but me. i was hyper aware of how much i drank and in front of people and then how much i drank when i got home. i generally tried to keep it a little normal...i was aiming for people to think that i was a heavy social drinker...then, alone, i would get home and drink like i wanted to which in retrospect was until i passed out.
it was not always like this. i say this bc i hear people say that they dont always get drunk, they dont always pass out. i understand the desire to qualify, to contextualize, to explain each and every drink. i understandt his perfectly.
the point i wanted to make is that the secrets that alcoholics, and addicts, keep to themselves are a symptom of the disease. people around us cant and shouldnt be held responsible for seeing a truth that we ourselves are distorting. they say the truth will set you free. on AA coins it says to thine own self be true. this is the core. this is the work.
the first time i said i was an alcoholic out loud and in front of people, i cried. i did not cry bc i was sad about it or ashamed. i cried bc it felt so true. i cried because i knew i did not have to lie anymore. yes, i was scared but also i was liberated. for all of us, clean or sober, healthy or sick--there are truths that will set us free. the trick is figuring out what those truths are. maybe we know some of our truths from the beginning and maybe others we know, get scared of, push down, ignore, deny and then finally exhausted with the effort it takes to not know what we know--we give in and surrender. heres to another night i write this sober, another morning i will begin not sick and not ashamed. now that is some progress. xxk
the amount of time and energy that drinking and then covering up my drinking took up is hard to really convey. i guess it varied. different times in my life were worse then others. but one thing was constant--no one knew how much i drank but me. i was hyper aware of how much i drank and in front of people and then how much i drank when i got home. i generally tried to keep it a little normal...i was aiming for people to think that i was a heavy social drinker...then, alone, i would get home and drink like i wanted to which in retrospect was until i passed out.
it was not always like this. i say this bc i hear people say that they dont always get drunk, they dont always pass out. i understand the desire to qualify, to contextualize, to explain each and every drink. i understandt his perfectly.
the point i wanted to make is that the secrets that alcoholics, and addicts, keep to themselves are a symptom of the disease. people around us cant and shouldnt be held responsible for seeing a truth that we ourselves are distorting. they say the truth will set you free. on AA coins it says to thine own self be true. this is the core. this is the work.
the first time i said i was an alcoholic out loud and in front of people, i cried. i did not cry bc i was sad about it or ashamed. i cried bc it felt so true. i cried because i knew i did not have to lie anymore. yes, i was scared but also i was liberated. for all of us, clean or sober, healthy or sick--there are truths that will set us free. the trick is figuring out what those truths are. maybe we know some of our truths from the beginning and maybe others we know, get scared of, push down, ignore, deny and then finally exhausted with the effort it takes to not know what we know--we give in and surrender. heres to another night i write this sober, another morning i will begin not sick and not ashamed. now that is some progress. xxk
Sunday, February 6, 2011
image
hi friends. sorry for my perpetually shifting image these days. it seems my blog design is in just as much flux as my own sense of self, or maybe more. i have been trying to move closer to a design that i think accurately reflects this blog. just tonite it came to me that this blog is almost completely about being authentic and real. the real me is just into the words. i like pretty colors and design but this blog is not about any of that. it is just about my thoughts and my growth. so, here is the new old blog back. i hope it is palatable and, more importantly, i hope it is readable...
that said, tonite is super bowl sunday. i have many thoughts on this night all of which surround the loss of a dear friend of mine to suicide the day after a super bowl sunday binge gone all wrong. i dont think i've written before about my friend dave and how his death impacted me. dave was probably the most attractive man i have ever met. handsome. blonde. blue eyed. charming. a talented writer, artist, and musician. that his life ended early is all wrong, that it ended early because of crack cocaine is still devestating to me.
how dave ended up addicted to crack while many around him seemingly recreationally used was beyond me at the time. recently i have learned more and understand the mix of genetics, actual use, and social stressors that add up to equal addiction. i still remember wondering if it was ok for him to drink after coming out of rehab. i still remember thinking it didnt make sense and then hearing that he never was an alcoholic. of course we know that it was alcohol that made it so easy for him to go back to using probably marijuana and then, of course, crack.
for my part i will say that the end of dave's life may have served to help save my own. his story stayed with me thru many nights and helped me pass many trays of cocaine along--i drug i later thought may have taken me out forever if i had not already decided i would not allow myself to not learn something from his death. when i first went to AA it was his face and image that i saw in the young men who sat in the back and went in and out of the rooms.
the way i remember dave is playing the guitar on my parents deck, summertime, hot night, in pink polo button down, tan, blond hair falling over one eye, sleeves rolled up, khaki shorts--impossibly inviting. this was maybe before the crack cocaine or before i was aware of it. i think of him, of the life he could have had. of how i laughed at his stories of going to AA meetings and then out for a drink. at how he wrote me from his first rehab when i was in college and i lit a cigarette and made a gin & tonic to read the letter. the letter said that they told him that he had one of the worst crack cocaine addictions that they had ever seen. i think he was 21 at the time.
me and my friends we all drank together, basically lived together, watched each other go up and come down. i ask myself how did we miss this? then i remember that we never really saw it. we saw what he wanted us to see. the smile, the tan, the guitar. the disease, the cravings, the withdrawals--the pain...that is what people hide. they hide it because we have taught them to. the shame of addiction and, maybe, mental illness continues to keep people from asking for help and from talking about what is really happening to them--until we cant help but see it and then it seems it is often too late.
part of this blog is my attempt to encourage people to talk about addiction and recovery--not just for themselves but for the countless people who might benefit from learning they are not alone and there is hope. for myself, i'll keep on keeping on. one day at a time until i make it to the promised land. this ones for you dm--we miss you. xxk
that said, tonite is super bowl sunday. i have many thoughts on this night all of which surround the loss of a dear friend of mine to suicide the day after a super bowl sunday binge gone all wrong. i dont think i've written before about my friend dave and how his death impacted me. dave was probably the most attractive man i have ever met. handsome. blonde. blue eyed. charming. a talented writer, artist, and musician. that his life ended early is all wrong, that it ended early because of crack cocaine is still devestating to me.
how dave ended up addicted to crack while many around him seemingly recreationally used was beyond me at the time. recently i have learned more and understand the mix of genetics, actual use, and social stressors that add up to equal addiction. i still remember wondering if it was ok for him to drink after coming out of rehab. i still remember thinking it didnt make sense and then hearing that he never was an alcoholic. of course we know that it was alcohol that made it so easy for him to go back to using probably marijuana and then, of course, crack.
for my part i will say that the end of dave's life may have served to help save my own. his story stayed with me thru many nights and helped me pass many trays of cocaine along--i drug i later thought may have taken me out forever if i had not already decided i would not allow myself to not learn something from his death. when i first went to AA it was his face and image that i saw in the young men who sat in the back and went in and out of the rooms.
the way i remember dave is playing the guitar on my parents deck, summertime, hot night, in pink polo button down, tan, blond hair falling over one eye, sleeves rolled up, khaki shorts--impossibly inviting. this was maybe before the crack cocaine or before i was aware of it. i think of him, of the life he could have had. of how i laughed at his stories of going to AA meetings and then out for a drink. at how he wrote me from his first rehab when i was in college and i lit a cigarette and made a gin & tonic to read the letter. the letter said that they told him that he had one of the worst crack cocaine addictions that they had ever seen. i think he was 21 at the time.
me and my friends we all drank together, basically lived together, watched each other go up and come down. i ask myself how did we miss this? then i remember that we never really saw it. we saw what he wanted us to see. the smile, the tan, the guitar. the disease, the cravings, the withdrawals--the pain...that is what people hide. they hide it because we have taught them to. the shame of addiction and, maybe, mental illness continues to keep people from asking for help and from talking about what is really happening to them--until we cant help but see it and then it seems it is often too late.
part of this blog is my attempt to encourage people to talk about addiction and recovery--not just for themselves but for the countless people who might benefit from learning they are not alone and there is hope. for myself, i'll keep on keeping on. one day at a time until i make it to the promised land. this ones for you dm--we miss you. xxk
Thursday, February 3, 2011
goals, values, and change
hi friends. i read somewhere that the greatest predictor of what you'll do today is what you did yesterday. that said, it stands to reason that at some point in the change process you choose a day and do something different then the day before. why or how you choose that day is irrelevant almost--it is just that you did it. recovery at the core, to me, is about action. it is about actually making the change one day and then following thru the next day for one day at a time.
i learned all of this in 12 step meetings but it is applicable to everything. it seems that all change follows a similar trajectory--as, i think, do all of our failed attempts at change. the point is that in my super humble opinion we are all always in the process of changing something or being changed by something. if we are intentionally making a change, setting a goal etc then we can work on that change. sometimes though it feels to me like life on the outside is changing and i am just going along for the ride.
a more zen person might embrace the ride more readily but i seem to kick and scream the whole time demanding to know where i am going--and like a child wondering when we'll get there. i dont know if taking charge of changes in our lives makes us feel somehow more in control of the inevitable changes that happen in our life. i suspect it does which is interesting.
for myself i am working hard on breaking thru a number of different self defeating bad habits--way too much sugar, not enough exercise, and lazy parenting (i.e. allowing them my same bad habits + tv). it takes work not to beat myself down for developing these habits and even more work to change them. i am happily done with day 2 of yoga and already have a plan for day 3. fingers crossed i write and think but deep down we both know it is not about the fingers at all. it is about the real and true action which generally (at least in my life) means a real plan first.
i'll keep you posted on my progress--and rest assured--though i hate the sugar and tv and laziness i am not at all confused about how far i have come. 6 going on 7 years without a drink or drug to soften the world of this almost adult it still worth a pat on my own back. we cant do it alone, so lets not try and lets not beat ourselves up either. lets just set a goal, make a plan, and take action. here's to a healthier february for us all. xxk
i learned all of this in 12 step meetings but it is applicable to everything. it seems that all change follows a similar trajectory--as, i think, do all of our failed attempts at change. the point is that in my super humble opinion we are all always in the process of changing something or being changed by something. if we are intentionally making a change, setting a goal etc then we can work on that change. sometimes though it feels to me like life on the outside is changing and i am just going along for the ride.
a more zen person might embrace the ride more readily but i seem to kick and scream the whole time demanding to know where i am going--and like a child wondering when we'll get there. i dont know if taking charge of changes in our lives makes us feel somehow more in control of the inevitable changes that happen in our life. i suspect it does which is interesting.
for myself i am working hard on breaking thru a number of different self defeating bad habits--way too much sugar, not enough exercise, and lazy parenting (i.e. allowing them my same bad habits + tv). it takes work not to beat myself down for developing these habits and even more work to change them. i am happily done with day 2 of yoga and already have a plan for day 3. fingers crossed i write and think but deep down we both know it is not about the fingers at all. it is about the real and true action which generally (at least in my life) means a real plan first.
i'll keep you posted on my progress--and rest assured--though i hate the sugar and tv and laziness i am not at all confused about how far i have come. 6 going on 7 years without a drink or drug to soften the world of this almost adult it still worth a pat on my own back. we cant do it alone, so lets not try and lets not beat ourselves up either. lets just set a goal, make a plan, and take action. here's to a healthier february for us all. xxk
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