dirty laundry

hi all. sorry for unappealing title but it feels right. ok, so here i am. tonite i had my class--which is really great. i have maybe ten classmates and they all seem really different and interesting and cool. drving home i started thinking about if so and so liked me. i mean i was really thinking does so and so like me. i cant remember the last time i went into this nuthouse place. so, i am driving home giving full attention to my inner 16 year old voice. i actually started thinking about my senior year photo--and how i still hate it and how maybe i am just loser and always will be.

i began thinking about how i never had a boyfriend (in highschool) and how i wasnt pretty and wore too much makeup and was painfully insecure etc. i then went on to consider how one of the reasons that people may not like me is because i dont fit neatly into a category. then i started putting everyone i know and really like into categories but not adult categories, high school categories. popular. athletic. artsy. etc.

i'd love to say that i then realized i was losing it, but i didnt. only now i am sort of able to see that all of this self hatred, this lack of acceptance of myself, this...need to have people like me in order to feel ok. this is fundamentally flawed and really easy to not like. at 36 i need to do better then i wonder if so and so likes me. at 36 i need to be at i wonder if i like them...right? and if i dont then that is fine and if i do, great. i dont have to wait to be nice until they are nice to me or hold back bc i am scared. i can just be who i am and ok w/ whatever comes of it.

in my new recovering life...the only crime is to be someone else. xxk

under construction

hi all. yesterday while driving down a road near my new house that is under construction i had this new thought. for days i've been feeling silently somewhat resentful about the traffic, the one lane business, the waiting etc. then yesterday i got to drive on the new part of the road. it was all smooth and new and nice. i realized that if i want a nice new smooth road then i have to accept some inconvenience in order to allow it to be fixed. light bulb moment. isnt life really like this? sometimes all of us are sort of "under construction." they arent any men with orange flags letting people know but maybe there should be. i guess what i mean is that if we want to change ourselves, for the better, then we have to be prepared for things to be a little rocky for a while. we have to give ourselves the time and space to be under construction--maybe this is just an hour or a day or maybe it is weeks, months, or even a year but the reminder is that there really is no growth, change, or progress without some pain, inconvenience, and waiting. i am too tired to write more but i thought this was...well, worth stating, if only for me to remember. thanks for listening again. xxk

again and again until we learn the lesson

hi everyone. i am excited to report that 1) i love my new casac class, other students, and teacher are all really interesting and different and cool and, most of all, learning is just so downright amazing that i am perpetually grateful for the opportunity just to be in class. 2) job interview on tuesday at a somewhat nearby rehab is exciting and making me hopeful 3) i like the meetings around here even though i still feel like a newcomer and sort of isolated they are helping a ton and lastly i am muttering thru some of my dad's struggles with his health despite feeling sorry for myself frequently and needing a big gentle reminder often that this is not about me.

ok, so big changes have happened on this end. i blogged so much about how hard it is and was i feel compelled to report that things are improving. i also had a really strange experience this past week where i learned that my family had this secret...trauma?...that i never knew about until this week. i guess both me and my sister were really little at time of incident and so we were too young to know. then as we got older i guess there just was never a good time. anyway, it all came out this week and it really altered my perception of all sort of things. mostly though it just made me realize that even when we think we know people and what they have gone thru, we sometimes dont know as much as we think we do.

all of this, the moving, the family stuff--it has made me think. really think about who i am and who i want to be. time and time again i am forced to remember that it is action not thinking that really changes our lives. sitting around and waiting to figure things out or waiting for the time to be right to make changes on some level this is all just...putting things off. dont get me wrong sometimes we need to put stuff off. to wait and see. to take time to just be. other times though, we need to stop the thinking, the being, and just start doing. i, for one, am not a great doer and it really takes work. i am getting there and you all are helping me.

thanks for listening again. xxk

kicking ass and taking names

hi all. please note rapid change in tone and approach that i have undertaken. so, last night i went to a meeting--feeling pretty downtrodden and sorry for myself. by the end of the mtg i had learned about a casac program that i might be eligible for and found a potential preschool for my daughter. it felt like divine intervention but really i think it is as simple as when you do the right thing and keep doing it, eventually things do get better. doors open. light comes in.

i think of how easily i could have stayed home last night and how easily i could have put my head down and bolted at the meetings end but i didnt. i did all of the things that i didnt want or feel like doing. i went to the meeting. i talked to strangers. i put myself out there. i cant underestimate how painful it can be, how against the grain putting myself out there is. it consistently feels wrong. i am starting to think that a huge part of recovery, or at least my recovery, is just doing all of the things that feel the most uncomfortable--all of the time. just learning to be uncomfortable and that be ok, until eventually you are not really uncomfortable being uncomfortable anymore. a strange idea.

so here i am. totally out on a limb in so many areas and still doing ok. i feel the way someone might feel after a good first date. cautiously optimistic and yet optimistic.

this after just yesterday someone told me they were worried about me. let me say for the record that i hate this phrase. reading from the "living sober" book at the meeting last night crystallized why i hate it. saying you are worried about someone sort of says--you have sympathy for them. the difference between sympathy and empathy is huge. i totally love and respect the person who was worrying but it made me think about how often i feel worried about other people and how that feels to them. being worried about someone sort of automatically puts us in a superior place to them. it is not really helpful for either person. we all want someone right next to us, not above, or below us.

here's to us all being next to each other, with each other. i think together we might just be able to make it...xxk
xx

this too shall pass

hi all. checking in. no real progress on the funk. same funk, different reason. wish i coudl report life changing epiphany but still just slogging thru it. sober. attempting gratitude and reminding myself: this too shall pass. xxk

blown wide open & off the tracks

hi all. it is hard to explain how completely surreal it is to move and suddenly find yourself in a new place with new people and a new house. i thought i'd be the same and my surroundings would just be different but what has really happened is that i dont feel the same at all. i feel totally blown wide open and off kilter. for the last week i couldnt really even write but tonite i went to a good meeting and felt the glimmers of hope that meeting kind people can produce--at least in me.

i was feeling totally dejected because i did not get a job that i felt very qualified for and was uncharacteristically confident about. that plus not knowing many people here got me all turned around. i have started questioning my path and feeling all turned inside out. what i know i know, i convince myself that i dont know and then i am screwed. tonite though i had this realization that this negative thinking is really just one giant bad habit. it all starts with me feeling afraid and then suddenly i am catapulted into this weird doubting everything place. i know that this is totally in my head and crazy but if i dont write it and look at it then it stays in my head and literally takes over--like cancer. before i know it i have totally altered my reality. i fear i was almost there before tonites meeting.

i had begun to tell myself that i was really getting unhinged. the weird thing is that i dont think i actually am or was but this habit of telling myself that i am is oddly strong. talk about kicking yourself when you are down. i have this way of nearly collapsing in on myself when i am faced with adversity. when i was drinking i basically just drank myself into an oblivion and when sober it seems to look more like i just hand the keys to my life over to anyone around who wants them. like i just sort of give up and become a passenger and not in a good way. this habit is so destructive because 1)it totally disempowers me and 2) it totally overloads the person who i give the keys to (obviously my husband in this scenario and many ex boyfriends passed have crumbled under the weight of my entire life in their hands).

so here i am--somewhat aware and prepared to make changes as follows: 1) i can no longer avoid any phone calls related to job seeking on the basis of being scared of rejection. this is counterproductive and downright silly. i am not sure what i am even afraid of. actually i do know, my work is the one are of my life, besides my writing, where i feel competent. having that out there to be scrutinized and judged, when i already feel vulnerable, is painful. i am just afraid that someone will tell me i dont know anything. even reading this i know that anyone could say anything and it wouldnt affect what i know or dont know or what i can or cant do. i just give the power away though--like i am somehow giving away to anyone the power to validate me or undercut me. it is all wrong and i know it.
so, 2) i will no longer give anyone the power to make me feel bad about myself. eleanor roosevelt said it--no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. that said, i hereby remove my consent. and finally 3)when i feel sad and lonely i vow to actually call someone and not sit around and tell myself how much i suck and how screwed up i am.

lastly, i will blog regardless of how shithouse i feel because it does actually help me to see how i am the one who is in control of my thoughts, and really just how powerful i am at changing myself for bad and for good. i heard someone say the other night at a meeting that if anyone in their life said to them the things that they say to themselves they'd never speak to them again...perfect huh. hope you are all treating yourselves right tonite too. i've missed you. on a self indulgent note: ts--if you are out there, i am going to try to start hearing you again in my head. this always helps me put it all back together again. i am forever grateful. xxk