our inner sun, getting it done, and other power thoughts

hi friends. tonite i am thinking about personal power. how hard it has been to come by, what it takes to cultivate it, and what to do when you lose it. lets start with what personal power means to me. i think it means lots of things to lots of people but to me it means the ability to be unapologetically myself. to not say i am sorry without really thinking about what that means. to feel comfortable in my space in the world. to be able to do what i really want in this world and not be stuck in fear and over thinking.

listening to the third chakra meditation on the chopra center website i heard this: "so often we bury things that we should have planted." i just love this because it really speaks to what i have been thinking about. how do i manifest my dreams, instead of just writing about them. how do i become the k that i have recovered. perhaps this all sounds super abstract but it really isnt.

let me explain...we spend so much time in recovery talking, thinking, processing. eventually we have to go out into our worlds and be this new person. keep in mind this is no easy or graceful task. it is hard and maybe more then hard it is messy. one step forward, two back, one forward, one back, two forward, one back, one forward, one forward, one forward, one back...and so on. i remember in early recovering just thinking that it was all forward. only later did i realize that sometimes we move back and then forward again and, if we are smart and lucky, we learn something when we go back. perhaps that is the entire point of going back. to figure out why the heck we're back and not forward.

behind all of this thinking is my strong desire to be more assertive. i want to be assertive but still be me--in other words--i dont want to trade my overall niceness for personal power. i want both. i want to be both strong and sensitive, both humble and powerful. and i actually believe it is possible for all of us to get to this place. the trick for me is continuing to believe in myself and working on it. my new job requires me to do be much more directive and so i am continually challenged to tell people what to do in a way that we both can respect and that works. it is a process since i hate being bossy and am not really into one size fits all rules, but i know that structure is important, that personal responsibility is important, and that there is a way to hold people accountable that empowers them.

so here i am. working away at learning how to fill up my space in the room. at really owning who i am. at not shrinking but blossoming. it is hard. i get scared and want to hide. i doubt myself and want to fade back. i compare myself and feel...different. but then i realize that i am not the only one who feels this way. maybe we all do. we all want to be our best selves and struggle to learn how to do that. we work on discovering who we are and then we working on actually being that person in a world that constantly challenges us to be like other people. the joke being that we are all the other people.

tonite, i'd like to challenge us all to start being the people that we are recovering. i'm in. are you? xxk

hemingway, work, and something nice for myself today

hi fellow friends, so happy to be here with you. this holiday season has been so busy it has been predictably hard to find time to think and therefore i found i have/had little to say. until today. i have been given the simple but good advice to do something nice for myself each day. i admit that this simple act has been hard for me. i know there are a million annoying reasons why i am like this but suffice to say it is a total effort to do something nice for myself each day...the current me would rather wait for someone else to do it for me or, even better, develop a resentment when they dont and continue to feel my own weird version of victimized. codependency really blows. not profound words i know, but true words. codependency has been big on my mind lately and finding the balance between myself and other people might be the struggle of my life or at least my thirties.

how i often i find myself not taking care of myself and then sort of being the martyr when i do things for everyone else. also this year i returned to some old...control issues...that i've not dealt with in ten years. i am being gentle with myself htough and just working thru it. one day at a time. boy am i grateful for recovery. i soemtimes wonder how the rest of the world knows what to do when they have a problem. that might be funny.

anyway, today my nice thing for myself was writing this. the amount that writing feeds my soul and enriches my life cannot be understated. and i've returned to reading really good books again and find that they are like an old friend that i forgot about and yet always can depend on. so now when i am at work and bored, i read some hemingway, not some dsm textbook or addiction study and i find myself thinking differently. seeing the art and beauty in the world and not just the addiction and the dysfunction. seeing the beauty in the reality of this mysterious, banal, tedious, and then mind blowing life might be what it is all about.

whoever you are reading out there. i hope you are doing one nice thing for yourself everyday too. i hope we all try to do this. i forgive us in advance for not getting it exactly right...xxk

rainy dark day

hi all. today it rained nearly all day. it also got dark around 4:30 or close. i was tired bc i was up till two and i felt negative and worried. i also forgot to eat lunch and got lost on my way to a thing for school. i got where i was going which was good. and i ate a good dinner which was also good. i felt better mostly--except on my way home from my school thing i got thinking about drinking. not deep terrible thoughts but weird thoughts like if i drank today then...would happen. i found myself sort of mulling this over in my brain for a while. ok, i would stop at bar and then i would order drink and then i would...

but before i got to the actual drinking part i did have the good sense to skip way forward. the remorse. the cravings. the shame. all of the annoying events which cause shame. then the embarassing events that cause remorse. all of it. i thought what the heck is wrong with me? then i thought about it all--the rain, the hunger, the tiredness, the darkness, the stress. i thought about how it is a miracle i did not go get a drink, not today or any other day. i realized then just how powerful a disease addiction can be--so powerful that it that will sit and wait for me or you to think it is gone and then, and only then, totally fuck your life up.

i thought about my family, my friends, school, work. all of it. i thought about how lucky i am and how lucky we all are. driving around in our cars, with our gasoline, food, shelter, health. i thought about how this disease really only can manifest itself in a brain that has stopped seeing the beauty and love that is all around it.

more and more i see the antidote to addiction is love. self love. love of humanity. love of life. love of giving. i sat in this meeting a month or so ago and the topic was "peeling in the onion." people were discussing the onion, layers, growing, changing etc. at the end this guy just says that, to him, when you peel back his layers what he ultimately finds is love. this idea really resonated with me. this sense that we need to get back to our real and true selves because that is where our love is. our love for ourselves and our capacity to share it with others. it is all there--we just need to get back to it.

so--another sober night that ends with me feeling connected, loved, and maybe most importantly loveable. hope you've gotten there today too--and if you havent--keep trying. xxk

growth takes time and patience...

hi all. seems one am is becoming my new favorite blog time. home from work and wide awake. full of inspiration. emotions. thoughts. let me start by saying that i now work with adolescents with substance abuse problems. so tonite i am working and have the opportunity to hear not one but three very powerful stories. the sad thing about these stories is that they are all starting to blur together for me. i remember the first time a young person told me their trauma story and i just sat there...listening. eyes welling up. feeling weak for not being able to be more...clinical. that story and the many that have followed generally follow the same sad and predictable trajectory.

all of these young people mistreated by the adults who were supposed to be taking care of them. i know and dont need to be reminded that many of these girls are and were victimized by parents or other adults who themselves were victims. one big giant cycle of pain.

i am forced to ask myself and you...when will this cycle stop? and who will stop it? i for one would like to be part of this stopping. in my class i learned that right now only one third of individuals treated for substance abuse actually recover and stay recovered. i think i was/am supposed to be excited about this statistic...needless to say that i am not. this is 2010. we understand the brain. we understand brain chemistry. mental health. we understand cycles of violence. stages of change. attachment theory. we understand big and heavy stuff. yet the sum of the parts has not yet equalled the whole.

we need to get it. and these young people need to be part of us getting it. we need to work together to start the healing and our expectations need to be better then one third. the time is now. we can do this. we just need to want to and we need to work together. we have of all of the answers we need. committed, sober, and healthy adults can not be content with having their own recovery. this gift of recovery needs to be shared and we need young people all over this country to be connected to and repeatedly exposed to adults who care and are living sober, healthy lives.

one young girl tonite said it just right...she said...all i needed was someone at home to love me. in a world full of problems that have no solutions--how can we be content to not attack a problem like this. a problem that so clearly has a solution. love. our very own free and natural resource. those of us that have it should not be content to keep it to ourselves. are you with me? i'd love to hear from you. maybe together we can make a difference. xx

signs of the times

hi all. just back from work at it is nearly 1 am. of course i needed to check in with you all and say hello. i have been thinking a lot lately and i guess not writing as much. my thinking has lead me to start seeing signs again everywhere. i find road signs lately to be particularly insightful and continue to see construction and men waving orange signs as a metaphor for life in general and recovery specifically.

i've noticed that my blog has veered into the general worry zone and does not focus on recovery as much as it once did. i think this is bc my life has veered into the general worry zone...something noteworthy did recently happen to me though. i sat at a meeting listening to a woman share about how open her heart was and how glad she was that she was able to take in all of the love and happiness around her. at the time that she said this i had entered the meeting in a pretty toxic state. tired. sad. dejected. and feeling maybe even a little hopeless. the voices in my head telling me that i would never have friends or coworkers like i used to were winning and i was starting to believe my own spin till this woman spoke.

suddenly it all became so clear. an open heart? able to take in all of the love around her? and there it was. the problem layed out right before me--since moving to ny i had little by little began to close not open. i suddenly realized that this closing was very important to recognize. the closing was what was making me feel like i was separate, alone, disconnected. the minute that i opened my mouth and told on myself i realized that things were changing. i got it. the work is to have an open heart when you are scared and want to close. to have faith when your fear feels the most real and overwhelming.

that night i began to visualize my heart opening. i began to consider, really deeply consider, the love and gifts that quite literally surround me. as i thought deeply about my open heart, i began to feel those gifts. that was last week and i will say that i still feel them now. i still feel surrounded by love and slowly able to let it in. i realized something--that my beautiful, complicated, funny, intense, and full of love life is here for the taking. the love i want is right here for me. always. i dont have to seek and find. i just need to allow it in and i am transformed.

call it a spiritual connection. an awakening. or just the right meeting at the right time...i dont know. i dont really need to know. way back in college, my senior year, i began having really intense anxiety--i attribute this to fear of the future and lots of drinking. i would lay awake at night and not be able to sleep, not be able to quiet my mind. back then i realized that if i thought about how much my then boyfriend loved me and if that was all i thought about--imagined him there or just around me then i would calm down and fall asleep. at that time i felt so smart to have figured this out.

years later. many boyfriends since and now married i see that depending on love from someone else, from an outside source is...not ideal for lack of a better phrase. i think of how i felt when that love was gone. i think of the anger, shame, resentment that took its place. i realize now--after maybe 16 years that there is a source of love that is always available to me, that can hold me and help me feel calm and that love does not have to come from someone else. i can love myself. i can feel spiritually connected to a source of goodness and love that will never be taken from me and, perhaps more accurately, that i will never have to worry about messing up. here's to us all finding the unconditional love that is right there waiting for all of us...here's to us finally believing that we deserve it. xx

old habits--are annoying

hi all. today is friday. the weather is gloomy. my daughter is at full day preschool now three days a week and my son naps. this leaves me with an odd thing--spare time. of course i could be folding laundry, putting dishes away, or cooking but i am not. i am here writing to you or to me or something instead.

last night i went to sleep discontet and woke up even more so. my dad's health and all of the fear that goes along with it has me all jacked up. despite the knowldege that things seem ok right now, it is difficult for me to come back to earth. hard to recover i guess is the sentiment. i tend to want to continue to brace for impact--like a passenger on a flight who is still in the emergency position well after the actual emergency has passed. it is a bummer.

the emergency position coupled with some overall malaise that might be somewhat weather related has me a little down. and of course in my nature, i tend to dwell in the down instead of doing something else that will make me feel better. it is an old habit this dwelling.

also, i have this weird...intuition? that something is wrong which i just realized may also be part of my inability to believe things are ok. someone once accused me of being like chicken little who always thinks the sky is falling, eventually people stop listening or caring. i remember that comment like it was yesterday partially because it devestated me and partially bc there was some truth in it. i have become particularly adept and seeing negative patterns or looking for where and or how things will fall apart. i dont think i need to explain why i do this, suffice to say that it must give me some weird sense of control or comfort.

the struggle today is that post-possible crisis and unable to de-crisis myself quickly, i realize that part of the problem is having not felt the actual feelings yesterday or the day before--i now am left with this weird inability to totally rid myself of them. do feelings linger until they are actually felt? i can only think that they indeed do. if that is true then i need to get to actually feeling. easier said then done. maybe that will be my next post...how to feel the feelings that have gotten lost deep inside you. maybe i need to find them first...here's to finding what is lost and letting go of it once we get it, or soemthing like that. xxk

intellectualization and my other defenses

hi all. confessions abound. last night i got bad news about my dad's health and learned he is going to need another surgery. i feel grateful that this was caught early but once again back in "triage" mode as a friend called it. i immediately felt myself writing down phone numbers, making plans etc. if you ask me how i actually felt i confess it would be impossible for me to know. my feelings were and are so stuffed down, covered up, and ignored in these moments that they remain a mystery until well after any crisis is well over. i'd like to also say that this is all a choice and that i do this in order to get things done and be repsonsible but alas that is not at all the truth.

my truth is that i have become expert at ignoring my feelings at these times and in so doing often dont even know what they actually are. i could think about how i probably feel--scared, worried, anxious etc but i dont think i could actually feel those things at all. i know that feeling feelings is important and yet at times like this feel totally incapable of getting there and, to be honest, i am not even sure i want to.

maybe we all need our defence mechanisms for exactly the reason that we develop them--to protect ourselves. maybe for me it is easier to feel after the fact and not during. as long as i feel at some point maybe that is just fine. i promise this time to try to take better care of myself while going thru this process bc i learned thru the last surgery and then move that not taking care of me is really a recipe for disaster for everyone. here's to applying my lessons to this next situation and to my dad being bell and back to feeling good again soon. if there is a lesson here i am sure it is that we should never take our health or the health of those we love for granted. xxk

out with the old and in with...something else

hi all. here i am. again. last week i visited vermont and some of my old friends and coworkers. as most of you know i moved to ny a few months ago and have been blogging endlessly about moving and transitions. i have been blogging so much about these things that even i got tired of thinking about it. i stopped writing so much. stopped thinking so much and started just doing and letting myself be or at least trying to. you see, for me, it is not easy to let myself be. i harp on myself. ocmpare myself. dissect myself and the lives of those around me...i do this because figuring things out helps me convince myself that i can predict what will happen. then i feel safe as i prepare myself for the life that i expect to happen.

the funny thing is that that really scary life never actually happens. the life i predict full of catastrophes and drama exists only in one place--my mind. i realized the other night as i was working at my new job that i am a pretty keen observer. before i am comfortable anywhere, i am just a watcher. i stand back and assess. sometimes this is good and sometimes not so good but i have accepted that for good or for bad this is me. what i never considered is that the observations are only as keen or accurate as the person who makes them.

i understand how as a child these predictions somehow made me feel safe and i understand as an adult how they do the opposite. i read once that we get what we see or we find what we look for etc. how simple. how true.

tonite i was putting my daughter to sleep--after a really fun halloween. we were talking about crying. my daughter said adults never cry. she said this in this most matter of fact an dknowing way. of course i explained that of course we all cry and reminded her in fact that she has seen me cry and i am an adult. but the real truth is that she has seen me cry so rarely that she doesnt even remember it. understanding fully that there will be a time when she the truth about adults crying will appear--i have to admit that i will go to sleep tonite grateful for both of us that this is her truth.
happy halloween friends. xxk

contrast and compare

hi all. when i was back in college i used to write lots of papers. some teachers let us pick how we wanted to write our papers and my two favorite papers to write were either contrast and compare or appearance vs reality. it only makes sense that more then ten years later i am still dealing with similar themes. lately, i have been struggling with comparing myself to other people. i end up feeling bad as i judge my own internal and very real life to what other peoples lives look like. i dont know why i do this but i know that the advent of things like facebook make it way easier to view the outside of peoples lives. though i continually remind myself that what things look like is just that, it is still a trap that i dont mind admitting that i fall into. the question is: why? and what do i do about it?

why? maybe that is easy. maybe we all are interested in how other people live, what makes them tick, etc. realizing that what people choose to show eveveryone is just that probably is also important. the other thing i suspect that goes on with me and this stuff is that i wonder what other people think of me. a long time ago i heard: what other people think of me is none of my business. a long time after that i started really trying to think this way. on most days i can get back to this simple idea.

the other thing that stands out to me is comparing myself to other people is really the symptom of a problem that i have with myself and really says nothign about anything or anyone else. the life i have today is full and beautiful. i love my family, my home, and my new job. i miss my old friends but am starting to make new ones. i am growing and it feels exciting and good.

the old me--the one that never felt comfortable or authentic is gone most of the time and in her place is this new person who is basically just fine. my old habits return but my reactions are changing. i see this as growth, slow coming but happening. i heard the other night that our feelings dont change but our responses to them can become less destructive or maybe not destructive at all.

i'll end this by trying to insert a poem that i heard tonite. maybe it is a little hokey but i love the message. i am not so into the god thing but i like it if you insert higher power or just you and yourself at the very end.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

cold chinese food, some good sleep, and great kids

hi all. this blog is hitting a deep and steady decline i fear. so much work and school that i was struggling finding time enough to reflect and so had little to write about. anyway, i do miss writing so much that i thought i would write just for me and hope for the best. so far my job is just great. i love the kids. they are amazing and inspire me to be better and do better. school is still rocking and i am psyched to be done training tomorrow and back to only working two nights a week vs everyday. my own kids i've missed so much that i could cry and tonite my daughter told me that she missed my whole self. i may never forget that one. coming home is just all good.

one thing i've not done is had much time for me and guess what--i am liberated. finally freedom from the bondage of my own thoughts. helping others--no matter how you do it or where--really is, at least for me, the path to true happiness and freedom. i realize that if i can stay with doing the right thing and being there for others i dont get so anxious, worried, and all consumed with feeling sorry for myself. i dont think i am alone in this either. of course i still do need to find time to take care of myself and reflect but if i can learn to balance my life so that i get both--well that seems to me to really be the goal.

tonite as i was finally able to think for a minute--i thought about my new clients and how they are all tucked in to nice clean beds, after eating a nice dinner, meditating, having snack and going to sleep. my thoughts return to the people i know in vt that are not having that same experience. i cant help but think that everyone deserves this. i think i wish i could create one giant huge residential facility for families to be taken care of. i think why is it so hard to stop cycles that dont help anyone and are deeply destructive? i promise myself and you guys reading that i wont stop asking these questions of myself or anyone else. why? because we all deserve better and together maybe we can just get there. xx

lets have a chill night not an ill night

ok all--get ready for some serious lingo shifts. day one of working with teens complete is clear to me that i no longer have any idea what anyone under the age of 18 is talking about. i sense a steep learning curve coming. i think i need a pull up (and no this is not the next step in diapers before training as i thought). anyway, just wanted to check in and say hello. really enjoyed my first night of work and feel grateful and inspired. working with young people again makes me remember all of the things i love about them--mostly though it is just how real they are and how in transition their entire lives are. it is a real gift (in my opinion) to be able to know a person at this point in their lives--when they are so vulnerable and then also wise. i hope i can learn from them and somehow be able to offer them something in return too. recovery is so cool if for no other reason then i get to do cool things like this with my nights. hope you all are finding cool things to do too. xxk

late afternoon thoughts

hi all. its tuesday so back to class for me. as i wrote before i've been trying out this self love concept and my first report back is that it is hard. way harder then i thought. i was about to write way harder then it should be but i have come to believe that should is really part of the problem. i bring out the shoulds anytime that i want to beat myself up. e.g. i should have gotten up early and run or or i should have said this or that. not good. anyway, having realized that at least part of my problem is self care i thought i could easily begin this process by just loving myself more or loving myself at all but it seems way harder then that.

it seems i will actually have to sort of persuade myself that i am indeed loveable and that it is important that i not only feel this love but that i actually act on it. action. i've have blogged before about my ability to think and write and how then the struggle to act. so, that said, it seems i need a self love action plan. i am going to leave this entry today at that. i am hard work on my self love action plan. with all the wing nuts i've managed to fall in love with--this should not be this hard. xxk

sunday night. not much to say except things are ok. i am ok. i have been working super hard to not be codependent i.e. make other people responsible for my happiness or unhappiness etc. it has helped. i have been thinking more about self care and what it means to love ourselves. this guy at a meeting said that for a year or so into his recovery he would wake up, look in the mirror and say--i like you, i love you, i forgive you. i really like this idea. i think i read once that carol burnett would look in the morning everyday and say good morning beautiful. i love both of these ideas. i love the idea of loving ourselves even when we dont like ourselves. i love unconditional self love. i never hear about it though.

so this is my newest challenge: to love me--everyday. not when things go well but all of the time. 24/7 self love. i think this is where i need to start. at the source. how can i expect to love others well if i cant do this first. i need to do this not just for me but for my kids. we all deserve this. i believe that. we all deserve our own best care and compassion. as i start this week this is what i am working on. i hope you work on it too. dont we all deserve it. i think so. i dont think we should wait any longer to start being our own best friends. xx k

still more in here

hi all. yes, i am back again already. at least it is still a respectable hour and not crazy insomniac late yet. still thinking about all of this chatter in my head lately about what other people think of me. i really have not been this way in a long time but moving--well it has brought it all back. the anxiety, the wanting to be liked, the wanting to fit in etc. the last time i moved was to vt and i was still drinking and it was a terribly tough transition that drinking did not help one bit to smooth. actually quite the opposite--i just kind of fell further and further into myself and my demons. so drinking is pretty clearly not the solution. drugs out of the question bc they'd just make me want to drink and also, lets be honest, the never really helped either. all things chemical just make me more of the bad things (selfish, self absorbed, emotional, neurotic) and then less of the good things (thoughtful, aware, compassionate).

i just remember how i moved to vt two weeks before 9/11 and so when it happened and i was in vt it was very odd. i felt like my home was attacked and i landed in a strange town where no one got it. there were candle light vigils that the town did and community activities. i remember sitting in a really shit house bar in town having gone to have one drink before attending this candle light vigil. and you all know how that went. i decided i could have my own vigil sitting right there at ryans. once at a bar it was nearly impossible for me to leave while they were still serving. every good intention, thoughtful idea, every right action just dissolved into that glass. gone.

so, here i am today. 6 years plus from the last drink. many real actions into the life i want and still i wrestle the demons. what does so and so think of me. as if somehow someone else's opinion of me might somehow either make me better or make me worse. knowing full well that it cant actually do either i remain stumped at the power someone else liking me still holds.

tonite i wonder if this not caring what others think of us is just an everyday thing. sort of like acceptance. we dont get to just accept and the move on. we are constantly in a state of either accepting or not. perhaps this being our own true selves, holding our head high, being strong...maybe this is just the same. not something i get to do once and then be done but something i have to do every single day. i guess it is that simple and that hard. i dont get to love myself just once. i have to do it over and over--until it is habit. thanks for listening, think i finally got this one sorted out. xxk

a few other things

hi all. after i wrote my last post i immediately wanted to revise it or erase it. i try not to do that, mostly bc i just try to be honest in the moment and not go back and figure out if i like how my honesty sounds or makes me look etc. one thing i wanted to be clear on though is that the real number one important thing is making sure that we like ourselves. not if someone likes us or we like someone else. i post about this so much that it is like the given in a geometry proof but i wanted to be super clear on that. so, number one is liking myself, then who i like, and then hopefully the rest will work itself out...

also, i have been briefly revisited by some ghosts of my past. feelings of inadequacy and feelings of...loss. all i can think is that somewhere along the line mt idea of romantic love formed and was defined as something very chaotic and extreme (in both highs and lows). so i tend to look back on these hell ride relationships sometimes sort of fondly. why i would do this makes no sense bc i can recall very clearly being totally unhappy or, a better word, discontent during these times. now, sitting here more or less content it is very uncomfortable. being comfortable is just about the most uncomfortable thing i can soemtimes think of. so when i begin to feel comfortable my brain seems to start craving drama, chaos, intensity so much that it will actually start looking backwards to find it. then when i do uncover a sufficiently painful or uncomfortable memory i sort of dive into it--head first.

last night i couldnt sleep and just thought--no! i am not going there this is my brain playing tricks on me. it goes something like if my alcholism cant get me to drink anymore bc i want to then maybe it will try making me feel the way i used to feel and see how that goes. i decided last night that i just wont have it. my brain is going to have to start making new pathways or something. finally and definitively i am done feeling sorry for myself, done lamenting, done thinking about things that dont make me happy and just make me feel like the person i havent actually been in years.

growing up sure is hard work. thanks for helping me. xxk

dirty laundry

hi all. sorry for unappealing title but it feels right. ok, so here i am. tonite i had my class--which is really great. i have maybe ten classmates and they all seem really different and interesting and cool. drving home i started thinking about if so and so liked me. i mean i was really thinking does so and so like me. i cant remember the last time i went into this nuthouse place. so, i am driving home giving full attention to my inner 16 year old voice. i actually started thinking about my senior year photo--and how i still hate it and how maybe i am just loser and always will be.

i began thinking about how i never had a boyfriend (in highschool) and how i wasnt pretty and wore too much makeup and was painfully insecure etc. i then went on to consider how one of the reasons that people may not like me is because i dont fit neatly into a category. then i started putting everyone i know and really like into categories but not adult categories, high school categories. popular. athletic. artsy. etc.

i'd love to say that i then realized i was losing it, but i didnt. only now i am sort of able to see that all of this self hatred, this lack of acceptance of myself, this...need to have people like me in order to feel ok. this is fundamentally flawed and really easy to not like. at 36 i need to do better then i wonder if so and so likes me. at 36 i need to be at i wonder if i like them...right? and if i dont then that is fine and if i do, great. i dont have to wait to be nice until they are nice to me or hold back bc i am scared. i can just be who i am and ok w/ whatever comes of it.

in my new recovering life...the only crime is to be someone else. xxk

under construction

hi all. yesterday while driving down a road near my new house that is under construction i had this new thought. for days i've been feeling silently somewhat resentful about the traffic, the one lane business, the waiting etc. then yesterday i got to drive on the new part of the road. it was all smooth and new and nice. i realized that if i want a nice new smooth road then i have to accept some inconvenience in order to allow it to be fixed. light bulb moment. isnt life really like this? sometimes all of us are sort of "under construction." they arent any men with orange flags letting people know but maybe there should be. i guess what i mean is that if we want to change ourselves, for the better, then we have to be prepared for things to be a little rocky for a while. we have to give ourselves the time and space to be under construction--maybe this is just an hour or a day or maybe it is weeks, months, or even a year but the reminder is that there really is no growth, change, or progress without some pain, inconvenience, and waiting. i am too tired to write more but i thought this was...well, worth stating, if only for me to remember. thanks for listening again. xxk

again and again until we learn the lesson

hi everyone. i am excited to report that 1) i love my new casac class, other students, and teacher are all really interesting and different and cool and, most of all, learning is just so downright amazing that i am perpetually grateful for the opportunity just to be in class. 2) job interview on tuesday at a somewhat nearby rehab is exciting and making me hopeful 3) i like the meetings around here even though i still feel like a newcomer and sort of isolated they are helping a ton and lastly i am muttering thru some of my dad's struggles with his health despite feeling sorry for myself frequently and needing a big gentle reminder often that this is not about me.

ok, so big changes have happened on this end. i blogged so much about how hard it is and was i feel compelled to report that things are improving. i also had a really strange experience this past week where i learned that my family had this secret...trauma?...that i never knew about until this week. i guess both me and my sister were really little at time of incident and so we were too young to know. then as we got older i guess there just was never a good time. anyway, it all came out this week and it really altered my perception of all sort of things. mostly though it just made me realize that even when we think we know people and what they have gone thru, we sometimes dont know as much as we think we do.

all of this, the moving, the family stuff--it has made me think. really think about who i am and who i want to be. time and time again i am forced to remember that it is action not thinking that really changes our lives. sitting around and waiting to figure things out or waiting for the time to be right to make changes on some level this is all just...putting things off. dont get me wrong sometimes we need to put stuff off. to wait and see. to take time to just be. other times though, we need to stop the thinking, the being, and just start doing. i, for one, am not a great doer and it really takes work. i am getting there and you all are helping me.

thanks for listening again. xxk

kicking ass and taking names

hi all. please note rapid change in tone and approach that i have undertaken. so, last night i went to a meeting--feeling pretty downtrodden and sorry for myself. by the end of the mtg i had learned about a casac program that i might be eligible for and found a potential preschool for my daughter. it felt like divine intervention but really i think it is as simple as when you do the right thing and keep doing it, eventually things do get better. doors open. light comes in.

i think of how easily i could have stayed home last night and how easily i could have put my head down and bolted at the meetings end but i didnt. i did all of the things that i didnt want or feel like doing. i went to the meeting. i talked to strangers. i put myself out there. i cant underestimate how painful it can be, how against the grain putting myself out there is. it consistently feels wrong. i am starting to think that a huge part of recovery, or at least my recovery, is just doing all of the things that feel the most uncomfortable--all of the time. just learning to be uncomfortable and that be ok, until eventually you are not really uncomfortable being uncomfortable anymore. a strange idea.

so here i am. totally out on a limb in so many areas and still doing ok. i feel the way someone might feel after a good first date. cautiously optimistic and yet optimistic.

this after just yesterday someone told me they were worried about me. let me say for the record that i hate this phrase. reading from the "living sober" book at the meeting last night crystallized why i hate it. saying you are worried about someone sort of says--you have sympathy for them. the difference between sympathy and empathy is huge. i totally love and respect the person who was worrying but it made me think about how often i feel worried about other people and how that feels to them. being worried about someone sort of automatically puts us in a superior place to them. it is not really helpful for either person. we all want someone right next to us, not above, or below us.

here's to us all being next to each other, with each other. i think together we might just be able to make it...xxk
xx

this too shall pass

hi all. checking in. no real progress on the funk. same funk, different reason. wish i coudl report life changing epiphany but still just slogging thru it. sober. attempting gratitude and reminding myself: this too shall pass. xxk

blown wide open & off the tracks

hi all. it is hard to explain how completely surreal it is to move and suddenly find yourself in a new place with new people and a new house. i thought i'd be the same and my surroundings would just be different but what has really happened is that i dont feel the same at all. i feel totally blown wide open and off kilter. for the last week i couldnt really even write but tonite i went to a good meeting and felt the glimmers of hope that meeting kind people can produce--at least in me.

i was feeling totally dejected because i did not get a job that i felt very qualified for and was uncharacteristically confident about. that plus not knowing many people here got me all turned around. i have started questioning my path and feeling all turned inside out. what i know i know, i convince myself that i dont know and then i am screwed. tonite though i had this realization that this negative thinking is really just one giant bad habit. it all starts with me feeling afraid and then suddenly i am catapulted into this weird doubting everything place. i know that this is totally in my head and crazy but if i dont write it and look at it then it stays in my head and literally takes over--like cancer. before i know it i have totally altered my reality. i fear i was almost there before tonites meeting.

i had begun to tell myself that i was really getting unhinged. the weird thing is that i dont think i actually am or was but this habit of telling myself that i am is oddly strong. talk about kicking yourself when you are down. i have this way of nearly collapsing in on myself when i am faced with adversity. when i was drinking i basically just drank myself into an oblivion and when sober it seems to look more like i just hand the keys to my life over to anyone around who wants them. like i just sort of give up and become a passenger and not in a good way. this habit is so destructive because 1)it totally disempowers me and 2) it totally overloads the person who i give the keys to (obviously my husband in this scenario and many ex boyfriends passed have crumbled under the weight of my entire life in their hands).

so here i am--somewhat aware and prepared to make changes as follows: 1) i can no longer avoid any phone calls related to job seeking on the basis of being scared of rejection. this is counterproductive and downright silly. i am not sure what i am even afraid of. actually i do know, my work is the one are of my life, besides my writing, where i feel competent. having that out there to be scrutinized and judged, when i already feel vulnerable, is painful. i am just afraid that someone will tell me i dont know anything. even reading this i know that anyone could say anything and it wouldnt affect what i know or dont know or what i can or cant do. i just give the power away though--like i am somehow giving away to anyone the power to validate me or undercut me. it is all wrong and i know it.
so, 2) i will no longer give anyone the power to make me feel bad about myself. eleanor roosevelt said it--no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. that said, i hereby remove my consent. and finally 3)when i feel sad and lonely i vow to actually call someone and not sit around and tell myself how much i suck and how screwed up i am.

lastly, i will blog regardless of how shithouse i feel because it does actually help me to see how i am the one who is in control of my thoughts, and really just how powerful i am at changing myself for bad and for good. i heard someone say the other night at a meeting that if anyone in their life said to them the things that they say to themselves they'd never speak to them again...perfect huh. hope you are all treating yourselves right tonite too. i've missed you. on a self indulgent note: ts--if you are out there, i am going to try to start hearing you again in my head. this always helps me put it all back together again. i am forever grateful. xxk

change and more change

hi friends. today is wednesday. this is the first wednesday in five years that i did not have clinical supervision, did not get my coffee at south st cafe, and did not wake up in bennington, vt. so things here are different. i have found a pretty cool coffee spot that also sells home made bread. i dont know the people there though and so it feels like i am just visiting. in fact everything feels like i am just visiting. i guess this is what being new somewhere is all about. i am adjusting or trying to. mostly i am just floating around this new space, oddly aware of it not being my old space, and trying to be grateful for having such a beautiful and tranquil place to now call home. i am very clearly in some sort of inbetween time. not working yet and just sort of unpacking and setting up the stage for the new play that will be my life here--it all feels very surreal.

i do better writing at night, so i think i'll check back in then. right now i just feel sort of blank. hoping that changes soon. not used to ever feeling that way...xxk

hi all. today has been a tough day for me. i had an argument with my dad who is determined to leave the hospital how and when he wants and then i got a rejection letter from the job i thought i might get. apparently they did not do second interviews. they put a sticky note on the rejection letter that said that i was the second choice and good luck to me. i think this helped but i am not sure. i am actually not sure of much. not getting that job gives me more time to try to unwind from the crazy pace of the last month but it is still a hit to my ego and wallet. so much for feeling professionally invincible.

this brings me to it. my latest thought. how important to my self esteem or own sense of self is what others think of me? the real truth is that i am the same worker now that i was before i got that letter and i would be the same if i had gotten a call that i had the job. how i feel about myself and my work really should not be determined by one person who met me for an hour, but it still stings, as i guess these things are bound to do. all i can muster from this is the idea that i guess i should remain focused on substance abuse work and writing since that is really where my interest is anyway.

the stuff w/ my dad is harder. i feel hurt bc he isnt being nice--to me or anyone else. i feel sad that he makes choices for himself that seem, at best, short sighted and, at worst, dangerous. i think about all of the things i could try to do to make things better and then cant execute them so that they actually work. i think if we were closer maybe i'd have more of an impact but we're not and i don't. my feelings of powerlessness and fear seem to be coming in waves of increasing height. all of this while trying to pack and leave a job with coworkers that i love and will miss. not to mention friends i know and will miss. it is painful as shit and makes me want to cry and stomp my feet and cancel the moving trucks, but i dont. i wont.

for today i will take it one day at a time. i will finish my work. i will go home and go to a meeting. i will do the next right thing and then the next right thing after that. i will stop telling myself mean things and i will start the never ending process of building myself back up--i guess that is really what it is all about. thanks for helping me out. xxk

untitled

hi. tonite i cant even muster a title. wtf. i know. lazy. my brain though is really starting to feel the effects of the last few weeks of stress and it is not pretty. almost no creative energy. anyway, i wanted to write bc 1) i cant sleep and 2) i am leaving tomorrow for philadelphia to attend my dad's triple bypass surgery. it is so fucked up to really think about how our bodies work. how strong we are and then also how fragile. i know nothing groundbreaking in these ideas but it 12:02am and i havent slept well without a otc sleep aid in days. so i am always either drowsy from the sleep aid or tired from not sleeping. i almost broke down today and called for some ambien but then i remembered a friend telling me that her relapse started with ambien and i reconsidered. i've already also blogged about my previous relationship with ambien and how i dont think it is really healthy for me and my recovery, so i remain strong, and not sleeping.

i'll keep this short because my writing is painfully bad tonite. i am scared. i am scared of losing my dad. i thought about it tonite and i am not ready to lose him. i dont feel that i could handle it and i am terrified that i will be asked to. i understand that i likely will never feel ready for this but tonite i can say that i know i am not and i dont want it to happen. i also know i have no control over anything and that no matter what i need to accept what life offers me.

acceptance.

this is where i struggle. for the most part i believe that my sobriety, my recovery, my sense of myself is firm. solid. then there are events that push me and make me wonder. just how much can i take before i go back to being the old me. i want to fall down, cry, be a mess for a long time and let someone else be the adult. i want to smoke a pack of cigarettes in the dirtiest diviest bar imaginable while drinking johnny walker black and talking to strangers. i want to forget who i am. then i want to foget who my dad is. then i want to forget that in a few days someone is going to slice him open. i am tired of doing the right thing. tired of being strong. tired.

and then even as i write this i know that i dont want that either. i dont want to fall apart. i dont want to go back to needing that option. i am not that person anymore and i dont even want to be. who i want to be is me like i am now--just not having this happen. i want to control the universe so things go the way that i want. i want to keep everyone i love and like and know right here with me and never let them go. i dont want anyone to get hurt or cry or go away. not now and not ever.

when i was 11 or 12 my dad moved out of our house. i remember watching his tail lights as his car pulled away. i said out loud i think, dont leave me. i meant it. i knew he had to go then but i wasnt ready and. it is true, probably i never would have been. tonite as i sit here i feel just like that 11 year old kneeling and looking out the window. i know i cant change anything but i wish i could.

tomorrow i will put these feelings away. i dont want my dad or my family to have to think about my feelings when we should be concentrating on my dad. for tonite, they are here though and this is their moment. i am scared and i feel like a child. i dont want to ever think about my parents not being here with me and i hate the fact that i have to. when i went to get gas in my car earlier tonite, i stood staring at the drinks in the shell station. finally i grabbed some weird seltzer lemon thing. out of the corner of my eye i saw the beer in the next cooler down. i imagined waking up on my front porch having never even made it inside. i imagined my kids and family having to take care of me. i realized then that i can do this. i dont want to but i can and i will. i havent made it this far to turn back now. hope you are still on your path too. wherever we are going--i hope we all get there in one piece. xx

hi. today it is tuesday night. yesterday, i gave my notice at work. my last day of work will be 8/18. it is strange just how reflective i am over this. i have spent the last 8, nearly 9, years working there. it is my home away from home. it was when i started really liking my job working with teen mothers that i started taking a look at myself. it was my work with these young women, my relationships with them, that changed me. i mean i was always me but these girls, they made me want to be a better me. i found myself encouraging them to make healthy choices and feeling that i had a choice to make. if i stayed working with these girls i knew i had to stop drinking. i just didnt have it in me anymore to say one thing and then conduct my life in a totally different way. it was wrong and i knew it. once i realized that, i guess my life was already really changed or changing.

so yesterday and today full of so much other business-my dad's upcoming surgery, job interviews in ny, house stuff, my moms cat bite, my own health stuff, i have found myself distracted. maybe not quite able to really take in that i am leaving. perhaps this is protective. there is no real way to leave anything--except to leave. i know deep down that it is time anyway, that i have grown up and am ready for a change, that i have learned and done what i was supposed to and now i need to find the next thing. i know that i leave this job and this town more whole and capable then i ever thought possible.

i remember sitting in my first therapist's office, age 28, no friends, a boyfriend who i didnt understand and just crying. i would sit and cry on her couch and hold this big teddy bear that she had. i would leave her office and stop and pick up a twelve pack. i would drink six or seven beers in a row. smoke a joint. take a sleeping pill. and then try to sleep. i just didnt understand why my boyfriend was ruining my life and why i wasnt happy. i never told her about my drinking. i didnt think it was relevant.

today there is little in my life that i dont find relevant. this is my recovery. the realization that all of me, every single cell, organ, tissue is relevant, real, connected and ultimately ok. hope you all are feeling just as ok tonite too. thx for listening again tonite. xxk

lights, camera, pause, worry, rethink, analyze, action

hi all. here i am. today i sent out a resume, set up an interview, and contacted a person i admire. continuing my resolve to take action and not get stuck in thinking about all of the reasons why i should not take action. of course i have the requisite self doubt, but mostly i am doing ok. maybe i am even a little proud of myself. i am finally moving from thinking into action and i just cannot believe how truly hard it can be for me to do this. how easy it is for me to ruminate, worry, obsess and get stuck in my head and then how refreshing it is to take action and just stop thinking so much.

i dont know how or where this all started but i do recognize these self defeating behaviors as old friends (or enemies) that come out to play just when i need them least. the antidote to all of the thinking issues is action though. how liberating it is to do. action towards growth is really quite possibly the opposite in all ways of addiction. addiction is stuck if you are lucky and moving backwards if you are honest. nothing about abusing anything is forward moving--not really. when they say that the disease is progessive it is only the disease that really goes forward, the person goes back back back or down. either way you look at it, i think moving forward in any direction is moving towards recovery and is good and healthy.

i need to be careful when i stall. when i get stuck there is always the possibility that i will go backwards and so i am careful during these times. like a new driver to a stick shift--when the hills start coming i need to be careful not to roll back down. so i am careful. i am here writing to you all again. being mindful. thinking but not overthinking and trying to eat well, exercise and do the next right thing. keeping it simple as they say. hope you are too. xxk

still standing

today is thursday. still no word on the house. and some bad news about the job we thought my husband had. he doesnt. total communication failure resulted in him not being able to take the job which means that he now has to start looking again. not sure if i should laugh or cry. i guess laugh. my dad is struggling with deciding between angioplast or bipass surgery. and today i have to go to court to testify against one of my favorite clients. i am trying to just accpet that this is a hard week and that still things happen as they should and as they are supposed to. i admit to really struggling with this lately and constantly engaging in taking my will back and then turning it over again. i feel emotionally done in by too many possiblities. i dont even know what to hope for anymore, other then the strength to make the best of whatever actually happens...

i can say happily that during all of this i've not wanted a drink and that i actually am able to feel oddly serene sometimes during chaos which i attribute to my past but, hey, whatever works at this point. i am basically stressed but still happy. i love my kids, husband, family, job, and house and realize that having my health and my family having theirs is priceless and the only thing that truly matters. i am grateful for this beyond words. i am also grateful for the ability to step outside of this nonsense and see what really matters is all totally together and fine. the rest is just...details. where i live and what i do for a job are important but they dont define who i am and they certainly are not going to dictate how happy i can or cant be. in the end, i have everything i want and need right in this crazy day. i just need to keep reminding myself of that...here's to a day full of acceptance and gratitude for all of us. xxk

waiting, acceptance, and everything in between

hi all, tonite is tuesday. true to form, i cannot sleep, and am tired. why or how this happens to me i really dont know but that it does just when i am on the edge of being rested again is true madness. anyway, not in an effort to try to make my insomnia productive, here i am. so far the last week has been rough. my dad is meeting with a cardiologist to figure out his double bypass surgery for next week. our house is still under contract and i feel hopelessly in limbo. my job is slow which means my head is constantly in all of the wrong places--i.e. worrying, being negative, etc and i have a sore throat.

complaining is liberating--at least momentarily. anyway, tonite i sit here. tired. lonely. unsure. i am trying to work on accepting things as they happen. trying to feel that things will work out as they should. trying to not feel like i am mid air in a free fall jump which is how i really feel. i feel somewhat removed from my old and current life and nowhere near into my new life. stuck in purgatory. or just plain stuck.

i feel out of sync with things. sometimes this happens. it always unhappens but it does happen. i worry that i am on the brink of some sort of terrible spin out. then i remember that whenever times are tough i have this worry--intially. it passes.

i remember how after jfk jr died--there was lots of press on the actual accident. i was intrigued and terrified by the idea that new pilots in extreme fog and weather can actually experience not knowing up form down and it is then that they need to use instruments. i remember reading this and thinking, even back then, what a metaphor for life this is. when we are confused and cant see well--we need to fall back on using our instruments. we need to actually not trust our instincts because they may feed us inaccurate information. so tonite, i try to use my instruments. my instruments are my recovery tools. meetings. friends. writing. reading. i need to do what works for me and not keep looking out at the fog anymore. sometimes when it is dark and rainy it is best to not try to see what is going on but to use other tools. it makes sense, maybe?

so here i sit, tonite, like so many other nights. tired. awake. wondering. i hear the breeze blowing the night trees and feel that this too will pass. this night like many other nights will be a memory and these worries like all of the others before them will work out exactly as they are supposed to. i just need to continue to trust the process. hope you can trust your process too. whoever you are, wherever you are--thanks for listening again tonite. xxk

work related sadness and peach applesauce

hi all, i am still reeling from reading a comment that i just got that really made me feel better, connected. still though, today was a tough one. i know i have blogged before about my work related angst and it is probably a little boring so i am sorry. but bc this is about my work with people active in addiction i think that it is still on topic or loosely on topic. today was hard-- as somedays are. today i got to see first hand what addiction does to young children and young mothers. i have seen this before and it never never becomes easier or less painful.

i realize as i drive away that all i really want to do is be the catcher in the rye to these mothers and children. to stop them from falling off this cliff that i know is there. rationally, i understand that i likely will not be able to effect much change with a person active in addiction and yet--i try anyway. why i am not totally sure, but i think i try because it hurts even more to not try.

anyhow, i really enjoy most of the people i get to work with. find them honest, real, painfully lost sometimes, but well intentioned usually. i also, as rule, come to learn that most of these young people have grown up with either addiction, violence, or loss and sometimes all three. i think daily about cycles and how hard it is to break them even when we want to.
i think about mothers and fathers struggling themselves and too sick to think about what their disease means to their children. i think about children struggling to make there parents be ok. i think about kids who are five years old and already can clean the house, wash dishes, make dinner, put younger kids to sleep. i wonder about those kids. what their experience will be w/ alcohol or drugs. i think about how much stress at five, six, or seven they already experience. i think about how much more they will need, enjoy, respond to, a substance that makes them feel ok. i think at five they are already vulnerable to addiction.

i think about my own family, my mom, my husband, and their experiences as children. i feel like crying for all of these kids and all the adults who were those kids. i feel deeply sad. true and honest sadness. i want to hate the world. i want to blame someone for the systems that dont work, the workers who dont care, the people who fall thru the cracks, fly below the radar, and end up somewhere where no one can save them but themselves.

i cant hate the world though, cant give up hope, because the real truth is that people do save themselves. everyday brokendown, haggard, confused, lonely, unsure people save themselves. not just from addiction but from all sort of other vices, dysfunctions, bad habits and destruction. each day someone or many someones out there make tiny decisions that are different. make a right not a left. each day there are people who get honest. who tell themselves and then someone, anyone, their first truth. these are the people i need to remember. the people who have the courage to change and the people who havent yet found it but one day might. these are my people. all of them. all of us. connected. we are the same more then we are different. giving up on their ability to change could mean giving up, on some level, on my own--and if there is one thing that i am sure of is that i am not giving up on that.

so here i am. another day i end typing. i look around the house. smell the peach applesauce bread me and hazel made. think about how i was trying to explain to her why we had to use a measuring cup and could not use the tinkerbell cup and how funny that was. under my bed there are clothes not empty beer bottles. in my freezer there is icecream and frozen bread not vodka or gin. there are no cigarettes or smoke or lighters. tomorrow i wil wake up and begin the day remembering every word i just typed. change is real. amen.

rainy days and vision boards

hi anyone, everyone, friends, strangers, accidental viewers...today is saturday and it is raining. a little known secret is that i love rainy days. i love rain. it really takes the pressure off in terms of my expectations for the day. rain says to me, go ahead and do whatever you want today and dont worry you dont have to feel guilty bc it is raining and so you couldnt--train for a marathon, climb a moutain, kayak, or garden anyway. yes, some people still do these things but the general consesus is that you get a pass if it raining. or at least i get a pass. having given myself a pass for today already i instantly feel thoughtful, creative, and inspired--or at least i feel that those things are on there way.

last night i was up again. i managed to apply for a job which is major progress for me given my recent state of total paralysis by analysis (phrase heard at meeting--cant take credit for). anyway, caught in my pba i read thru job openings and then spend hours contemplating a life with said job. then i think about all angles of this job and eventually feel so freaked out by all of the different ways that this job would be different, challenging, not challenging, not different enough etc that i decide i need to think about it more and maybe it is better if i wait and dont apply. i know, i know. this makes no sense at all. this is where i am at though. so last night at 1am i broke thru this and applied for a job as a detox counselor at a hospital. after i applied i thought about how i have once again opted for a job that is not creative, does not involve writing, probably pays nothing. i thought about the great suits i wore in advertising and the cool office i worked in.

laying in bed last night, i was thinking about way too much. where i have been, where i am, where i am going. i tried to make sense of my life. i thought about how i looked in the mirror yesterday and honestly and for the first time thought i looked older. not old. just older. i thought i looked my age and i felt acutely aware of time and how quickly life passes when we're not paying attention. i thought about how i am happier now then i ever was at 26 and what that means. i thought about how i finally feel like i sort of know where i am and where i want to be and how it took 36 years to get here. i wondered about people who feel this way at 26 or even 16. i wondered about people who feel this way for the first time at 66. i thought about how it doesnt really matter. time. age. i realized i have been competing with a fictionalized version of myself who went to georgetown, majored in english, and became a writer.

i thought about how i visited georgetown in 7th grade, when my grades were still good, when i had never smoked a joint or had a beer. i thought about how i told my dad i was definitely going there. then i thought about being 15 and learning to roll a joint. i thought about deciding i really didnt care about what college i went to. i thought about not caring about anything except my friends and alcohol and drugs for the next ten years. huh. i thought i may have hated georgetown. i thought i may have loved it.
i tried to let it go.

that is my job today. to let it go. to stop beating myself up for not having the life that i could have had and start feeling good about this life. the life i have. the choices i have made. my beautiful children, my strong and life-loving husband, my amazing friends, my kind parents--, my little fiesty sister. all of it. the fictionalized version of me is over. there is just me, the me that i have really created not the one that i made up to make myself feel bad.

it is time to start using my imagination for good and not for evil. to start becoming the person that i can be today not lamenting the person i could have been yesterday. this is it. time to be in the solution, the now.
hope you can too. xx

fireworks

well, here it is. our house is officially udner contract. we are set to close 8/20. part of me is ecstatic at how things have begun to work out. the other part of me is totally freaked out about how things have worked out. tonite i layed in bed putting my daughter to sleep. i thought about how i have choices all in front of me. choices layed out in all different directions--like a fork or forks in the road. only the road is dark and i cant see where it goes. i can guess but i cant really see. i guess i never can, only in my everyday life--at least lately--i dont see my choices so clearly or maybe i do but dont pay attention. now i am paying attention. maybe too much attention.

i imagine one road that looks scary. i take risks--i try a job that is harder or more challenging. i get out of my comfort zone. i dont necessarily do what i've done. i push myself. this is the scary road?

i see another road. more comfortable. i do what i've done. i stay close to home in everyway. i focus on feeling secure and safe. this is the predictable road.

then, because i am me, i see another road. this is the road that many people may not see. this is the road back to where i have been or worse. on this road i take no risks. i become consumed by fear and self pity. i feel trapped. i feel misunderstood and alone. i imagine that all of the ways that i have learned to feel competent disappear when i leave vt. i end up somewhere, with a drink. truth be told i know what drink it would be. scotch. i wasnt a big scotch drinker but somehow in these moments i cant understand why not. in anycase, it is there. the old me. the old thoughts. the old fears. the old seeming solutions that are really just bigger problems. i even can see right now that the other two roads could also lead to this road--so strange how that road is always there...

it all lays out before me. and i stand or really sit here. i watched a show on tv tonite called panic. it was about panic attacks. at the end, a famous actress, told some story...the end was something like the only way to conquer fear is to not listen to what it tells you to do. my fear tells me to hide or sabotage. and i will not do that. my fear tells me to not be honest about how i am feeling. and i will not do that either. i guess in the end, i am no longer listening to my fear. yes, i hear her musings but i dont need to do what she says anymore. freedom. hope. these are mine, my gifts, i have worked for them and i will not give them away. not even for a minute.

lastly, last night we took the kids to see the fireworks. they had never gone before. i was worried about my daughter who can be sensitive to sounds and new things. i thought about not taking her bc maybe she'd be crying and so upset that she'd never want to see another firework show forever. i thought about cancelling. when the first firework went off, i looked down at my daughter's face. in the light of the still bright sky--i saw a little face alive, mesmerized, smiling. i could barely pay attention to the show myself as i sat there looking down at the little girl who was pointing and smiling at the sky. i thought to myself, this is the lesson--i cant protect her from what is scary or me and if i try--we both just may miss the fireworks.

r is for recovery and relief

it is 12:35am and i cant sleep. i have made a resolve to try to be productive when i cannot sleep instead of laying in bed and just getting frustrated or worrying. so far so good as i cleaned my bathroom, recleaned the kitchen, made my own lavendar air freshener, and am now writing to you. so i made it through the wedding and the much written about toast. it went ok. there are things i would do different but basically i did not embarass myself or my sister and i said what was true and was not so nervous that i couldnt sort of relax for at least part of it. cool. after it was over i was so relieved that everything was super fun and i felt almost intoxicated with how pretty the night was and just how cool weddings are with family's getting connected and friends reconnecting. though there was drinking there i did not really feel bothered by it and i did feel sort of firmly resolved that my toast was going to be way better with the sober me giving it then with the old (not sober) me giving it.

so now, i am back with that event behind me. i am trying to relax but as usual my crazy brain is kicking in and just finding new and different things to worry about or just think about too much. i am trying to quiet my brain down. it goes so fast sometimes that i almost forget that i actually can control it. i get carried away. my own insecurities or fears fill me up and beat me down.

i think about how frequently i still compare myself to other people, either feeling totally beneath them or sickly better then them. it is such an annoying and really reprehensible quality this comparing. it makes me sad. and i dont just compare looks, i compare clothes, homes, cars, kids clothes, kids manners, jobs, education, family. all of it. my crazy brain goes there. and really can go bonkers. i am proud that i manage to sometimes not go there and then disappointed that i still do go there too. because when i do that, i cheat myself of the opportunity to actually know people and to be w/ them for who they are, not what they look like, or what they have. how superficial must i really be behaving when i make the assumption that i can know a person by what i see alone.

tonite, i am thinking about where this comes from. this desire to be better then or have more then. fear. greed. both. i know i am better then this, deep down that this is not really me but it is part of me. tonite i am asking that little part of me to begin to change. to consider that my real goal is to feel comfortable with myself no matter who i am with and what they do or dont have or do or dont say. i want to be the same me that is here writing this--real, solid, dependable. i think i made some progress at the wedding. that girl giving the toast--that was really me and i have to say that i was sort of proud of her. xx

the prayer of st francis, being of service, and other miscellany

it is late. 12:15. tonite i am working on memorizing the poem that i am supposed to read at my sisters wedding--which is this weekend. i went to a meeting tonite where we talked about the eleventh step. having not really done the steps in a linear way and not completely taking them literally--i tend to sort of make them into abstractions--i confess to having not read the 11th step. surprise i actually sort of enjoyed this reading. a rarity since i usually end up using my english major ways to dissect readings but tonite it was--not as painful as usual. we read the prayer of st francie will i always can get behind as a pretty well written prayer. also, it doesnt get too specifically religous which is also helpful in allowing me to be able to swallow it or enjoy it or even read it.

after we read this i talked about how i obsess over things still (e.g. giving my toast) and how i am smart enough to know that things will ultimately be ok but i wish i didnt have to obsess. the reading was basically about meditation. i have to say that it struck a chord wiht me tonite. meditation. getting in touch with some sort of idea, god, mindspace where you feel connected and energized. who cares what the idea, god, mindspace, energy really is. i think it is besides the point. the point is that giving our minds some time to chill the f*ck out probably is a good idea. for all of us, not just people in recovery but everyone. tonite i feel grateful for the opportunity/excuse to spend an hour of my night many days of the week focused on my overall wellness. sometimes this means listening, usually it means talking, but always it means reminding myself that i need to be vigilant about my disease--while also in some real way inspiring me.

there are tons of people that i can connect with, to help me, for me to help them. i dont have to do this alone and tonite i dont feel alone. tonite i feel plugged in to humanity. not just the recovery community but a larger community of people. i am reminded of how much we all have in common. our desires for acceptance, love, health, happiness.

tonite i think about this young woman i keep running into--in my head. she is scared and insecure. she feels like a fake bc she cant do anything without a drink and even then she doesnt really know why she is doing anything. i am not afraid of her anymore because i know she only exists in my memory. the truth is that scared hungover young woman hasnt been around for a long time now. sometimes i guess i confuse some of my fears or insecurities with her return but when i get honest and real--i can see that i am not that woman anymore, that i am actually totally different. i am ok and i am going to stay that way. i have done the work. my foundation is solid and no one is taking that away from me. and that is a really good feeling to go to sleep on. xx

short hair and a history lesson

hi. as you can see from my title i am feeling very creative and deep. ha. not quite. i realized though that i had not blogged about cutting all of my hair off which i did a few weeks or maybe even a month ago. it is funny how changes on the outside can make you feel changed on the inside. really funny bc in recovery i have been very inwardly focused--in terms of change and then i go and cut my hair and realize that the outside might just count for something too. i know, i know. why does it have to be one or the other? it doesnt, but my brain sometimes does that--just becomes sort of black and white. not often but sometimes i do this and definitely as it relates to ideas about appearances. when i was drinking and in nyc i was so appearance oriented--had lint brushes, shoe polish, mints, lip liner all in my desk just to make sure i was always delinted, shiny, looked just right. i feel i put all the emphasis on my outside bc my inside was all confused and jumbled up. i vividly remember looking in the mirror at some chic club and determining i needed a few pills to perk myself up before i went back out there. just downright weirdo thinking. it never occured to me to maybe, go home, or sleep, or eat--it was just drink soemthing, take something, or change outfits. i lived that way for a while, wearing black, shining my shoes, feeling hollow.

then i met (or really bumped into) an old friend--someone who was different then all of that. he was not perfect, but he was real. i mean i think what was important to him, what he was good at, what he was about had way less to do with what he looked like then most people i knew at the time. i guess i sort of fell in love with that. fell in love with what i felt was something substantial. soemthing solid. something more about what he thought, then what he wore. my love for this person was a crazy mess. mostly because i somehow would learn to divorce this persons treatment of me from who this person was. so i could love the person and not like our relationship and still call it love.

i dont get confused about much these days but that mess still confuses me. hits a nerve. still hurts to think about in a dull quiet way that i have come to realize may never actually go away but has faded. i know that what hurts about that mess was my own culpability. i was sort of the accomplice in a crime against me. that hurts. it hurts to know that i picked a person who i would allow to treat me sort of carelessly and that i called that feeling love. that i thought it was then i guess is a testament to the place i lived in when i was drinking. a place where i didnt know who i was and didnt think i deserved what i wanted.

in anycase, i ended up here in vt and alone determined to make myself into who i wanted to be. i will say that so far this project has been fairly successful. i am actually becoming the person that back then i only hoped i'd be. but perhaps there is room in my new self for some attention to the outside too. maybe taking care of yourself, paying attention to the outside soemtimes too, is really healthy as long as it is tempered with self awareness, humility, and some sense of humor. i dont know. this blog is all over the place from my hair to a little of my history. i guess i had some demons kicking around in there that needed some air. as i read this though i am proud of myself, of where i am, of what i have, and also of what i've left behind.xx

thursday night 10:56pm

hi. not much going on here. it is thursday night at 10:56. our house got its second viewing today which is a strange thing. on the one hand, i'm excited and on the other, i was sort of just getting used to the idea of staying around for a while longer. now i just feel confused. again. this entire process is really teaching me the importance of acceptance. even if it is just acceptance of things exactly as they are now and without knowing how they will be tomorrow. this is not at all easy bc it is really hard to mentally plan your future (my bad habit) when you cant even really predict (with any accuracy) where you might be in two months. it is seriously making me mental and making me take a good hard look at how attached i am to my own projections, predictions, expectations. it is confusing. tonite i watched two episodes of the Good Wife back to back. One i had already seen. i realized i was enjoying just being totally lazy, not thinking, not dealing, sort of hiding in tv. i dont do that often so it is strange when i realize that i am doing that and i keep doing it anyway. i thought about how easy it is to escape into anything. how lazy. how comfortable. i thought about how i feel safe when i am hiding which is actually pretty strange. i have been like this for as long as i can remember. have felt safe when i am curled up hiding from the world and (ironically) this is probably the most self destructive, least healthy, way for me to live and yet it feels right. oddly right to be sort of building a cocoon or nest or soemthing. tonite i wonder what really i am hiding from. what newness, unpredictablility, challenge am avoiding. how good coudl my life be if i stopped believing that every change was something that woudl make thigns worse. i can only wonder and hope to eventually fall asleep. hope you do too. xx

career quandry

hi all---if there even is an all. honestly sometimes i dont even know if i am writing a journal or if there is actually someone reading this mess of stuff. jeepers. ok, that said--i know it doesnt really matter anyway--tonite i am thinking about career goals. what do i really want for myself? what makes sense? is there an intersection? a few years ao i watched this pretty hokey dvd on the rules of attraction or something like that. it was called "the secret"--while i thought on some levels it was totally bogus, i admit to remaining a little curious about it. i mean how much of our life is controlled by our thoughts. how much of what we achieve is controlled by what we think we can achieve? this interests me. success interests me. failure too. how close we can be at any time to one or the other.

for me, failure is one liquor store trip away. always. one bottle of scotch away. one glass of wine and there it is. failure. but, i've done that already--felt bad about myself, underachieved, felt sorry for myself, hated the world, blamed other people. it is not that interesting anymore to me. but success, i mean real career sucess is interesting. what makes people successful and what do i even mean when i say it? is it effectiveness? money? happiness? creativity? freedom? all of the above. are the most successful people always happy? i think we all know examples of how the rich but miserable person. and then the poor but happy one? but whats the deal really? arent they all just stereotypes. what about real career success that is both financial and...spiritual?

is it as simple as doing what we love? are we always good at what we love? i dont know. i love to write but i am not sure i could make a living doing it. i like what i do now but i dont really feel effective. i feel like--i could be doing more to help more people only i dont know what that is. lately it feels like i keep having the same clients over and over. i think i read this as part of symptom check list on professional burnout...?

anyway, the clients that i keep running into are active addicts with young children. needless to say this is not where i want to be and probably not where anyone wants to be. if i thought i could really effect change then i would feel less helpless but i feel limited in what i can say and do. i wonder sometimes if i would be more effective if i just quit my job and started being a community organizer or life coach. at least then i could tell people to get their shit together and stop lying. now, i have to say stuff like maybe you need to take a look at your choices and think about what you want. really? even i dont like hearing this neutralized, watered down...mess. even when i try to be tough i can only say so much in a professional way. a big part of me just wants to say look--no one belives you. eveyrone knows you are using. stop or you are going to lose everything you have, love, and want. and even then i know that it probably wouldnt really matter what i say bc everyone has their own path, their own bottom, their own story.

so whats the deal really? i know enouch to know that this is really about me, not them. the people i work with probably have nothing or very little to do with it. denial. lying. manipulating. blaming. these are all symptoms of the disease that i am pretty well educated on. my inclination or desire to knock some sense into them--literally knock it in though means soemthing else. maybe it means it is time for a change. maybe my frustration or restlessness is telling me that i need to change. maybe it is time to think about what i can do different, not what they can. xx

our true selves emerge just when we least expect it

hi all. today is sunday, it is memorial day weekend. i spent yesterday with some old friends and my family. it was a really fun time and i felt love and loved--i thought on my way home about how that feeling is so perfect and how happy i am that i got to experience it. i thought more about my last post and how bad i had been feeling about myself. i thought about how all we can do is try to be our best selves. how sometimes we try and succeed and how sometimes we try and just have to try again. maybe there is no failing really--maybe there is only trying again in a different way--having learned from the last way as much as we can.

i am thinking that my best self is not measured in miles run or not run. my best self is not measured in gold stars from my boss or performance reviews or numbers of meetings i've made or missed. my best self is measured by love. how much love i give and how much i allow myself to receive.

when i am critical of myself and sad--i am closed. i am not receiving much and i cant give much either. i am stuck--as i said. but when i really sit and think and be true to myself i know that i am not at all stuck. that i am on a journey and i am moving. even when i dont feel like it, i am moving. slowly. i am evolving and growing both from what i havent done and what i have. i am turning into exactly who i am and i am doing it in exactly the time and way that i am meant to. perhaps i am meant to experience unsuccessful attempts so that i will have compassion for the unsuccessful attempts of others. maybe i need to stop hating on myself and start loving myself a little more if i want to make real change. i should know by now that no big real and positive change happens without self love and acceptance. this is who i am. i am more likely to hit snooze then jump into running shoes, more likely to guzzle a coffee then do a yoga pose, but maybe that is ok. maybe i am exactly where i am supposed to be. learning. who knows where this road will take me but i know that me, who i am, what i have worked for and learned is exactly how i am supposed to be. xx

needing help, asking for help, receiving help

tonite i am once again confronted by past demons--this one in the form of self discipline or self care or both? i think both. my lack of good sleeping has once again started to effect my daily life, serenity, etc. having tried and then kicked ambien i see no need to revisit that train wreck waiting to happen. it is so strange how i, even with a sleeping aid, can--obsess. i can stay vigilant and moderate with dosage etc but still i desire an easy way out and when i have it, it is hard for me not to take it. deep down inside of me there is something that says when life is hard--escape it. i want ot go to sleep and just be somewhere else. it is humbling to admit this, humbling to write it, humbling to aknowledge the feelings and behaviors that are so the opposite of what i believe and what i want for myself or anyone else. i feel like a failure of sorts.

it is pointed out to me that exercising would really help many of my challenges and while i do sometimes get in a low level novice sort of routine--i just dont sustain it. things happen. life happens. i get busy with other things and before i know it i am back to being my not working out self. leaving me stressed out and desperate for a cure that is more immediate then a run or walk or a yoga pose.

how much my heart hurts about this is hard to convey in words. i feel like a failure. knowing so clearly what the answer is or could be and then not following thru on it with any regularity. i feel like i try but evidence shows otherwise. self discipline is not my strong suit. it seems i can successfully not do certain things (ie drink, do drugs etc) but when it comes to succesfully adding healthy things to my routine--i think a monkey would do better. the end result of me not doing these things is progressively getting worse though. i feel trapped. i feel sorry for myself. i feel anxious, like a mouse on a wheel that doesnt understand that she can stop the wheel.

i imagine the better version of myself getting it. really getting it. committing to a healthier life and then following thru on it and then i try and fail. stop. give up. i dont know. i will say my intention is never to not do it. i have time management issues. i have life management issues. i have two small children and i feel as though the time i get to myself is infrequent. i feel tired. i feel like the tired version of me is not my best self but some shadow version of me that sometimes does well and often just gets by. the learning to take good care of yourself made sense ot me once but i am not sure it ever really stuck. i just started taking care of someone else. i got lost or maybe am only now just getting found. it is not so easy to get found while raising children but i am trying. i guess i am doing ok. i know where i am, i know where i want to be, now i just need to get going on getting there.

my fear keeps kicking in though and that is what hurts. stops me in my tracks. makes me want to hide under the covers and wait until it is safe to come out--and then it really never feels totally safe enough. i fear i will lose what i have and not get what i want. i worry. i worry more. i worry about my worrying. i think too much and too often.

tonite i have an imagined enemy. she is out there. plotting to take what i have from me. having learned more then me, better then me, and being more together then i am-i worry this made up person will come and take everything i have away and i will be left with nothing and wondering what happened. i wish i could move past this fear but i cant. i am stuck. stuck. stuck. stuck. not much else to say tonite. xx

being of service

hi all. i've not written in a while. i got very busy with attempting to sort out moving stuff and planning and executing my sister's bridal shower. happily i felt the shower went well. the moving stuff has made some shifts and it seems that i may not be moving for five or six months--maybe even a year yet. i am relieved and also thrown off by this but trying to go with the flow. a friend in recovery has been sharing some of her wisdome with me latley and the thing that has been sticking in my head is the idea of being of service--to others, to the universe, to a higher power, etc. i dont think it totally matter who or what you want to be of service to. just that in so doing we lose sight of ourselves, our own self interest, fears, ego. it has been working for me to just stay focused on what i am doing for other people and reminding myself when i feel insecure or self conscious that it really is not about me. i need to let that stuff go and focus on others or just on doing the right thing--so far things seem to be falling into place using this strategy. i admit to frequently reverting back to self centered fear but when i feel this i just remind myself--stop thinking about what people think of you and stay focused on what you are doing--on something bigger and more important then that. it is pretty liberating to stop caring what people think--without using alcohol or drugs--and to just be who you want to be and hope for the best.

turns out it seems like 90% of my fear is based on my own worry about what other people will think of me. when i get rid of that there is only a small amount left that i need to handle. makes my life much more manageable to work in this way. i feel relieved and happy knowing that i am doing my best and that it really is not that important if other people dont get it or see soemthing else. i cant control that and i dont really want to. we all get to think and feel how we want and that is a good thing.

a few days ago i did get some news that unsettled me. threw me off. my first inclination was to really emotionally charge that information and then share it--sort of keeping the drama going. then i realized that it really was not at about me. it was totally about other people and my inclination to make it about me was just an old bad habit that it is time to put away. i can forgive myself for the inclination to gossip or be part of some big emotionally charged event or news but i'd like to also work on moving past being that way too.

we'll see how this progresses...i think i am moving in the right direction though and i feel much less weighed down by fear when i bring myself back to myself...not my fears but my values. honesty. openess. kindness. love. hope today we can all keep it simple and remind ourselves to act from a place of wisdom and thoughtfullness not fear and reactivity.
xx

mothers day moment

hi all. tonite is mother's day night. i can say that this was not an ideal day--teething toddler, napless older toddler equals some high degrees of angst but as i sit here tonite and they are asleep--i think of the nice dinner that i did not make and the awesome candle and plant that i got. i think of the perfect gifts my kids made at daycare and then i inevitably think about gratitude. i think these little things--teething kids, tired kids, things/events that can so irritate me in the moment are gifts. i think of many many people who would give anything to have these problems (if you want to call them that) and i admonish myself quietly for not seeing what is so clearly in front of me. healthy beautiful children are my gifts and they are perfect exactly as they are. tired and teething included.

yes, it is easy to be grateful when they are asleep and things are quiet and i am calm. i can look back and see what i often miss in the moment. then, i can hope that next time i wont miss it in the moment or i'll miss it a little less. i can say that underneath my frustrations with my kids there is always love, acceptance, and gratitude. sometimes i just need to push myself or be pushed to get there and not stop at the first thougth or feeling.

the other thing i want to say/write about tonite is my own mother. how frequently we criticize the hell out of our parents--they are such easy targets--i guess because we know them so well. their lives spread out before us to look at, evaluate, and judge. it is weird really how this happens. how the people that we love the most we are the most apt to blame, snap at, admonish, push away.

sometimes when kids are at daycare all day, parents will pick up their children who have been angels all day--only to have them disintegrate the minute they get home or even see their mothers (or fathers). parents (me included) often mistake this for something bad when really (what i've learned) is that kids have to feel safe to be their true selves--tired, frustrated, undone. i feel this can explain some of the reason that moms often get the worst of it, husbands second. people often show their worst selves to those they love and who they know love them unconditionally. hopefully this is balanced out by other more positive selves that we share too...

that said, i would like to thank my own mom for putting up with me over this last year. she has taken care of me and my children for a year now and sometimes i honestly dont know how i ever had my first child without her. a more patient, present, and respectful to all children person may never have existed. truly an inspiration to behold is my mom playing with my daughter or my son. to say i am blessed is corny, but i've been corny all week--so wtf--i am blessed. life in a series of painful, strange, and downright eerie connections sent my mother to me exactly when i needed her again. if that is not cause for faith in a higher power then i am not sure what is. happy mothers day universe and thanks for once again unfolding in a way that i could never have planned but deeply appreciate.xx

good energy, stars, and some miscellaneous corny thoughts

hi friends. since i spend most of my time writing about what i struggle with--it came to me tonite that i should write about some good things. last night i had a really good time and laughed really hard. i drove home under a starry sky and felt happy. happy that after years of having someone else drive me i was driving myself. i know it is a little corny but it is true and special to me that i finally dont have to worry about how i am going to get myself home. i can always get myself home, on my own without any hesitation or worry. even late at night i know i am sober and healthy and thinking clearly. what i enjoyed about drinking (aside from the alcohol itself) was the connection i felt with others. the conversations, the secrets, the honesty or (what i thought was honesty), the jokes, the comraderie that i never really felt before. now i have that in my life and it is independent of alcohol or any other substances. it is liberating and fun and important--to have fun in sobriety. to feel connected to other people and to feel accepted for who we are--who we really are.

that feeling of acceptance is actually contagious. once i have it for myself it is almost like i can more easily feel it towards others. i automatically feel more compassion for other people when i extend that same favor to myself. i dont feel nearly as critical or judgemental to others when i am right with myself. and that energy that is positive and happy and ok just flows from me to others and then back to me again. it is a brillant thing to feel and to know.

when i quit drinking i noticed really quickly that my life seemed to start to flow. that once i was acting in a positive way that other positive things seemed to come around me--like a moth to a flame. the same was true but in reverse when i was drinking. my ability to attract the exact wrong people and things to me was uncanny--except it wasnt really. actually it was pretty predictable. if you dont like yourself, dont respect yourself, then when other people treat you poorly it doesnt suprise you. it feels oddly right. once i started liking me a little then it only made sense that i'd want to be around other people who liked me, and who liked themselves too. i started caring less about what other people thought of me and more about what i thought of me.

i am still working on this. still learning, relearning these ideals. still reminding myself that my daily reprieve from this cunning, baffling and powerful disease is dependent on my willingness to work at being better. connected. inspired.

tonite, i feel pretty good. i am still on the fence about taking an evening run and probably will. maybe when i run i will once again feel grateful for how far i've come. maybe i'll think a little about where i am going. if the stars align just right though--i might just run and not think at all. xx