our true selves emerge just when we least expect it

hi all. today is sunday, it is memorial day weekend. i spent yesterday with some old friends and my family. it was a really fun time and i felt love and loved--i thought on my way home about how that feeling is so perfect and how happy i am that i got to experience it. i thought more about my last post and how bad i had been feeling about myself. i thought about how all we can do is try to be our best selves. how sometimes we try and succeed and how sometimes we try and just have to try again. maybe there is no failing really--maybe there is only trying again in a different way--having learned from the last way as much as we can.

i am thinking that my best self is not measured in miles run or not run. my best self is not measured in gold stars from my boss or performance reviews or numbers of meetings i've made or missed. my best self is measured by love. how much love i give and how much i allow myself to receive.

when i am critical of myself and sad--i am closed. i am not receiving much and i cant give much either. i am stuck--as i said. but when i really sit and think and be true to myself i know that i am not at all stuck. that i am on a journey and i am moving. even when i dont feel like it, i am moving. slowly. i am evolving and growing both from what i havent done and what i have. i am turning into exactly who i am and i am doing it in exactly the time and way that i am meant to. perhaps i am meant to experience unsuccessful attempts so that i will have compassion for the unsuccessful attempts of others. maybe i need to stop hating on myself and start loving myself a little more if i want to make real change. i should know by now that no big real and positive change happens without self love and acceptance. this is who i am. i am more likely to hit snooze then jump into running shoes, more likely to guzzle a coffee then do a yoga pose, but maybe that is ok. maybe i am exactly where i am supposed to be. learning. who knows where this road will take me but i know that me, who i am, what i have worked for and learned is exactly how i am supposed to be. xx

needing help, asking for help, receiving help

tonite i am once again confronted by past demons--this one in the form of self discipline or self care or both? i think both. my lack of good sleeping has once again started to effect my daily life, serenity, etc. having tried and then kicked ambien i see no need to revisit that train wreck waiting to happen. it is so strange how i, even with a sleeping aid, can--obsess. i can stay vigilant and moderate with dosage etc but still i desire an easy way out and when i have it, it is hard for me not to take it. deep down inside of me there is something that says when life is hard--escape it. i want ot go to sleep and just be somewhere else. it is humbling to admit this, humbling to write it, humbling to aknowledge the feelings and behaviors that are so the opposite of what i believe and what i want for myself or anyone else. i feel like a failure of sorts.

it is pointed out to me that exercising would really help many of my challenges and while i do sometimes get in a low level novice sort of routine--i just dont sustain it. things happen. life happens. i get busy with other things and before i know it i am back to being my not working out self. leaving me stressed out and desperate for a cure that is more immediate then a run or walk or a yoga pose.

how much my heart hurts about this is hard to convey in words. i feel like a failure. knowing so clearly what the answer is or could be and then not following thru on it with any regularity. i feel like i try but evidence shows otherwise. self discipline is not my strong suit. it seems i can successfully not do certain things (ie drink, do drugs etc) but when it comes to succesfully adding healthy things to my routine--i think a monkey would do better. the end result of me not doing these things is progressively getting worse though. i feel trapped. i feel sorry for myself. i feel anxious, like a mouse on a wheel that doesnt understand that she can stop the wheel.

i imagine the better version of myself getting it. really getting it. committing to a healthier life and then following thru on it and then i try and fail. stop. give up. i dont know. i will say my intention is never to not do it. i have time management issues. i have life management issues. i have two small children and i feel as though the time i get to myself is infrequent. i feel tired. i feel like the tired version of me is not my best self but some shadow version of me that sometimes does well and often just gets by. the learning to take good care of yourself made sense ot me once but i am not sure it ever really stuck. i just started taking care of someone else. i got lost or maybe am only now just getting found. it is not so easy to get found while raising children but i am trying. i guess i am doing ok. i know where i am, i know where i want to be, now i just need to get going on getting there.

my fear keeps kicking in though and that is what hurts. stops me in my tracks. makes me want to hide under the covers and wait until it is safe to come out--and then it really never feels totally safe enough. i fear i will lose what i have and not get what i want. i worry. i worry more. i worry about my worrying. i think too much and too often.

tonite i have an imagined enemy. she is out there. plotting to take what i have from me. having learned more then me, better then me, and being more together then i am-i worry this made up person will come and take everything i have away and i will be left with nothing and wondering what happened. i wish i could move past this fear but i cant. i am stuck. stuck. stuck. stuck. not much else to say tonite. xx

being of service

hi all. i've not written in a while. i got very busy with attempting to sort out moving stuff and planning and executing my sister's bridal shower. happily i felt the shower went well. the moving stuff has made some shifts and it seems that i may not be moving for five or six months--maybe even a year yet. i am relieved and also thrown off by this but trying to go with the flow. a friend in recovery has been sharing some of her wisdome with me latley and the thing that has been sticking in my head is the idea of being of service--to others, to the universe, to a higher power, etc. i dont think it totally matter who or what you want to be of service to. just that in so doing we lose sight of ourselves, our own self interest, fears, ego. it has been working for me to just stay focused on what i am doing for other people and reminding myself when i feel insecure or self conscious that it really is not about me. i need to let that stuff go and focus on others or just on doing the right thing--so far things seem to be falling into place using this strategy. i admit to frequently reverting back to self centered fear but when i feel this i just remind myself--stop thinking about what people think of you and stay focused on what you are doing--on something bigger and more important then that. it is pretty liberating to stop caring what people think--without using alcohol or drugs--and to just be who you want to be and hope for the best.

turns out it seems like 90% of my fear is based on my own worry about what other people will think of me. when i get rid of that there is only a small amount left that i need to handle. makes my life much more manageable to work in this way. i feel relieved and happy knowing that i am doing my best and that it really is not that important if other people dont get it or see soemthing else. i cant control that and i dont really want to. we all get to think and feel how we want and that is a good thing.

a few days ago i did get some news that unsettled me. threw me off. my first inclination was to really emotionally charge that information and then share it--sort of keeping the drama going. then i realized that it really was not at about me. it was totally about other people and my inclination to make it about me was just an old bad habit that it is time to put away. i can forgive myself for the inclination to gossip or be part of some big emotionally charged event or news but i'd like to also work on moving past being that way too.

we'll see how this progresses...i think i am moving in the right direction though and i feel much less weighed down by fear when i bring myself back to myself...not my fears but my values. honesty. openess. kindness. love. hope today we can all keep it simple and remind ourselves to act from a place of wisdom and thoughtfullness not fear and reactivity.
xx

mothers day moment

hi all. tonite is mother's day night. i can say that this was not an ideal day--teething toddler, napless older toddler equals some high degrees of angst but as i sit here tonite and they are asleep--i think of the nice dinner that i did not make and the awesome candle and plant that i got. i think of the perfect gifts my kids made at daycare and then i inevitably think about gratitude. i think these little things--teething kids, tired kids, things/events that can so irritate me in the moment are gifts. i think of many many people who would give anything to have these problems (if you want to call them that) and i admonish myself quietly for not seeing what is so clearly in front of me. healthy beautiful children are my gifts and they are perfect exactly as they are. tired and teething included.

yes, it is easy to be grateful when they are asleep and things are quiet and i am calm. i can look back and see what i often miss in the moment. then, i can hope that next time i wont miss it in the moment or i'll miss it a little less. i can say that underneath my frustrations with my kids there is always love, acceptance, and gratitude. sometimes i just need to push myself or be pushed to get there and not stop at the first thougth or feeling.

the other thing i want to say/write about tonite is my own mother. how frequently we criticize the hell out of our parents--they are such easy targets--i guess because we know them so well. their lives spread out before us to look at, evaluate, and judge. it is weird really how this happens. how the people that we love the most we are the most apt to blame, snap at, admonish, push away.

sometimes when kids are at daycare all day, parents will pick up their children who have been angels all day--only to have them disintegrate the minute they get home or even see their mothers (or fathers). parents (me included) often mistake this for something bad when really (what i've learned) is that kids have to feel safe to be their true selves--tired, frustrated, undone. i feel this can explain some of the reason that moms often get the worst of it, husbands second. people often show their worst selves to those they love and who they know love them unconditionally. hopefully this is balanced out by other more positive selves that we share too...

that said, i would like to thank my own mom for putting up with me over this last year. she has taken care of me and my children for a year now and sometimes i honestly dont know how i ever had my first child without her. a more patient, present, and respectful to all children person may never have existed. truly an inspiration to behold is my mom playing with my daughter or my son. to say i am blessed is corny, but i've been corny all week--so wtf--i am blessed. life in a series of painful, strange, and downright eerie connections sent my mother to me exactly when i needed her again. if that is not cause for faith in a higher power then i am not sure what is. happy mothers day universe and thanks for once again unfolding in a way that i could never have planned but deeply appreciate.xx

good energy, stars, and some miscellaneous corny thoughts

hi friends. since i spend most of my time writing about what i struggle with--it came to me tonite that i should write about some good things. last night i had a really good time and laughed really hard. i drove home under a starry sky and felt happy. happy that after years of having someone else drive me i was driving myself. i know it is a little corny but it is true and special to me that i finally dont have to worry about how i am going to get myself home. i can always get myself home, on my own without any hesitation or worry. even late at night i know i am sober and healthy and thinking clearly. what i enjoyed about drinking (aside from the alcohol itself) was the connection i felt with others. the conversations, the secrets, the honesty or (what i thought was honesty), the jokes, the comraderie that i never really felt before. now i have that in my life and it is independent of alcohol or any other substances. it is liberating and fun and important--to have fun in sobriety. to feel connected to other people and to feel accepted for who we are--who we really are.

that feeling of acceptance is actually contagious. once i have it for myself it is almost like i can more easily feel it towards others. i automatically feel more compassion for other people when i extend that same favor to myself. i dont feel nearly as critical or judgemental to others when i am right with myself. and that energy that is positive and happy and ok just flows from me to others and then back to me again. it is a brillant thing to feel and to know.

when i quit drinking i noticed really quickly that my life seemed to start to flow. that once i was acting in a positive way that other positive things seemed to come around me--like a moth to a flame. the same was true but in reverse when i was drinking. my ability to attract the exact wrong people and things to me was uncanny--except it wasnt really. actually it was pretty predictable. if you dont like yourself, dont respect yourself, then when other people treat you poorly it doesnt suprise you. it feels oddly right. once i started liking me a little then it only made sense that i'd want to be around other people who liked me, and who liked themselves too. i started caring less about what other people thought of me and more about what i thought of me.

i am still working on this. still learning, relearning these ideals. still reminding myself that my daily reprieve from this cunning, baffling and powerful disease is dependent on my willingness to work at being better. connected. inspired.

tonite, i feel pretty good. i am still on the fence about taking an evening run and probably will. maybe when i run i will once again feel grateful for how far i've come. maybe i'll think a little about where i am going. if the stars align just right though--i might just run and not think at all. xx

wednesday afternoon

hi. today is wednesday and i am home this afternoon because my son has a fever. i didnt expect to be home today either which is always a weird thing for me. when i end up at home unexpectedly. my son is asleep now. thought i'd take this opportunity to write in the afternoon. it is really sunny outside today and beautiful. it always strikes me when it is really nice out and my children are sick--like the universe should not be allowed to create such beauty when my child is sick. feels like it should rain until they get better. then i think about how so many people experience pain, tragedy, loss on sunny days and it freaks me out. really freaks me out.

last night at a meeting i was talking (again) about my hypervigilance when it comes to worrying about things that could happen. i was explaining that i have this character defect where i can worry about every possible angle of a situation and that somehow this worrying or processing or analyzing is comfortable for me. it protects me from my great fear which is that something bad will happen that i wont see coming. i talked about how it is really silly since nearly everything bad that has ever happened to me or anyone i know--i did not see coming at all. to think that i somehow can protect myself from the pain and suffering of life just by imagining what might happen is absurd. stopping doing it is really hard though.

so last night this lady approaches me after the meeting and says she does the samething and that we need to look at what feeling we're escaping while we imagine. truth, when you hear it, is always so recognizable. she hit the bulls eye. my fearful imaginings are a convenient pathway straight out of my reality --which currently is a move that i am terrified of, leaving a job i like and am good at, and a new town where i dont know anyone that well. i know, i know there are tons of good things too but my fear is real and when i ignore it it just finds crazy ways of manifesting itself anyway--in this case in my imagining other scary things to worry about instead of feeling my fear that is real today and just accepting it. moving is scary because the unknown (even the good unknown) means leaving behind the known.


so, i am sitting here writing. trying to accept my fear and also trying not to add fuel to the fire by imagining my child may have the worst of all possible illnesses or that my husband will never come home bc of some freak car accident. to some this all my sound insane. to me, this is a place i frequently visit. the place in my head that tells me that i have to be ready all of the time for something to fall apart. the place that tells me that life is scary, hard, and not to be trusted to be your friend.

i know now why i do this and sometimes i can stop myself from doing it but i will say that somewhere deep inside me there is a belief that i am not wrong. i want to challenge that belief and i do, but it remains. i think that belief grew inside me at some critical time and is now stuck there forever. i hope this is not the case. i want to move on past the fear. want to learn to be present even when things hurt or are scary. it takes courage though to do all of this. it takes strength to tell the truth--to be ourselves, real, hoping, believing...waiting to see what happens next. where this is all going. how it will all turn out. there is no rewind, no pause, no fast forward. there is only this here. me, writing, trying to do better. all of us, trying to do better. xx