writing again

hi all, now that i am done school i am finding the energy and time to write again. usually i am writing after i work. just to fill you in, i work at a residential rehab for teens and usually i work at night. anyway, tonite was a good night. nothing bad happened and a few good things happened. i got thinking on my way home (which was beautiful bc of full moon) about maybe trying to make it work there. so instead of looking for a new place to work that maybe i would want to try to make it work at this place. i started my usual dreaming up redecorating, remodeling, restaffing, retraining etc. i started thinking that maybe i should actually talk to someone there about my thoughts. i mean worst case scenario they dont like them. it is funny how so much of what i think and dream--i just discard by the wayside assuming it is impossible when maybe it is not.

i got thinking also about how helping kids with substance abuse problems is so healing. i wondered what it would be like to have adults new in recovery workign with kids? or recovering with them. i know it would be messy but i wonder if it might not also be inspiring and help people feel hopeful--a feeling that is so important for all recovery--right? hope. such a simple word but one that is not always easy to ignite in people, particularly in people who feel physically awful, and may or may not have ruined some or all of their closest relationships.

i read that Dr Bob said that the foundation of AA was love and service. sometimes it seems we've strayed so far from that kind of simplicity. if we could just focus on love and service--maybe just maybe we really all will be ok. another night i end writing and not drinking. happy and not sad. more ok then not ok. miracles do happen. xxK

...

Hi all. Just home from work which was ok. Spent time talking to kids at work about how being fake and getting along with people you dont like are different things. Spent next 1.5h wondering if this is actually true. Spent entire ride home rethinking my career choices, my life, and what it means to be "in recovery." Had same feeling that I usaully do that it is complicated and that we cant spend every minute of our days happy and content but I admit to wondering if my endless self-analysis isnt part of the problem. Had conversation today where I had to admit that sometimes my continual obsession w/ myself, my thoughts, my recovery, my life, my philosophy, my lack of philosophy, my non-religion, my spirituality or not, my stance on psychotropic meds, my new meds, my old meds, the difference in meds, the possibility i dont need meds, my family history, my family story, my family in general etc is the problem. Then realize that over simplifying my life to one "problem" is part of the ongoing problem.

Then I re-read the above and cant believe that this is a recovery blog and I continually sound unstable and just downright weird. I realize my last post was a letter to my therapist which I cant send to him but somehow can publish to the universe no problem. I dotn want to mislead anyone into thinking that everyone in recovery has this many contridictory thoughts. Many dont. I dont want anyone to think that if you get sober you have analyze yourself constantly. You dont. Many people seem happy or happier in fact that dont do this so much. So the dislcaimer is that I have always been like this. I have more clarity sober so I think the results are better but generally this is me.

I hope I dont freak you out if you are reading and not sure about recovery. My life is amazing, precious, mundane, fucked up, and then perfect all at once and most of the time. I keep thinking that I'll find the right book, pill, spiritual guru, tea, friend, job that will somehow end the searching but I have moments (like tonite) where I realize that deep down I have to admit to knowing that there is no one solution to life. That life is both simple and complex--that recovery is the same, relatioships the same, parenting is the same. The trick for me is to know this and hold it all at once---the simple with the complex, the good with the bad, the contedness with the ambition. To just hold onto it all and feel it and see it and not be afraid. Heres to another sober night. Thanks for sharing it with me. xxK

Dear Tom

On the off chance that you--(my old counselor from VT who guided me thru 5 yrs of sobriety) ever reads this blog--this letter is for you...

Dear Tom,

I just wanted to say thank you for helping me learn how to be a healthy person. I wanted to thank you for never cancelling our appointments, for never laughing at me, or making me feel bad about things I have done or wanted to do. I want to thank you for helping me evaluate my thinking. I want to thank you for not telling me what to do and for making me feel strong and smart and independent. Mostly though I just want to thank you for reminding me each and every session that I was ok and that I was getting stronger. I still think of you often and hear your voice telling me positive things about myself. Sometimes it makes me laugh out loud bc it feels like a Woody Allen movie with my therapist actually living in my head. For the record, I have thought many times about calling you or writing but somehow that feels invasive or wrong or just too hard.
Tonite I finished the education portion of being a certified substance abouse counselor in NY state. I hope someday I can help other people like you helped me.

All the best to you,
Karen

Not a higher power--a wider power...

Just for the record the title of this blog is not mine--I mean I didnt think of it myself. I heard it at a meeting and I fell in love with the idea. This little/big idea really solved a huge dilemma for me. I have always hated the idea of higher power. It just felt weird and wrong to me. The idea of a wider power--a power that runs thru us and connects us all--that is an idea I can get behind. Also, it makes me feel good to think about spirtuality this way--as a force that does not divide us but connects us.
This past Sunday I went to a meeting that is quickly becoming better then therapy for me. The person who was speaking talked about how he never wants to drink or do drugs again bc he wants to feel all of his life (i am paraphrasing here)--feel all of his feelings the highs and the lows. He said he didnt want to dull the feelings with drugs or alcohol. This idea also really helped me. For some reason my brain likes to tell me that alcohol or drugs somehow enhances feelings but the reality is that, for me, they do not do this at all. They distort, numb, twist and basically change everything. My sense of wanting to "enhance" is actually just me trying to control my feelings for the good or the bad. It is sick thinking. Old thinking. Familiar thinking.
Sometimes I hate how twisted I can still get. I wish I could be a different person--a person who is and appears highly together. A person who never looks undone. A person who never is undone. I think about who I really am. A person who is trying to be a good person. At the meeting this man talked about wanting one thing in life--to just be a good person. I am not sure why but I loved this idea. Of jsut wanting to be good. Of just wanting to do the right thing.
It is hard sometimes these changes. SOmetimes I just feel weird and I miss the parties, the recklessness, the odd mix of elation and despair--but of course I do. I am basically hard wired to miss those things. And it is ok. It is ok to miss things that were bad for me, people that were bad for me. It is ok to remember who I used to be--as long as I stay who I am... xxK