Green Bottles of Poison

Hi All,

It has been so long since I have found the time to write. Interestingly, I have spent a lot of time thinking. I had a conversation last night that openend my eyes again to how dangerous it can be for me to think my way into feeling better or doing better. I tend to end up in the same grooves that got me a chair in AA in the first place. It is interesing how easy it is to slide back into thinking the same old way. Even when I think I am really aware and working hard to change--when I am not paying attention--my brain just wants to go back to that thinking.

The indicator with me is an obsession with Self. They dont call it the bondage of self for nothing. It is true bondage to be stuck inside my own head, with my own distorted thinking, and my own old self-made solutions. No, not the drinking solution--but the isolating solution, or the shutting down solution, or the feeling sorry for myself solution, or the thinking i am better then or different solution. Terminal uniqueness. I hate being so predictably dysfunctional. Even my dysfunction wants to be special and different.

Despite the fact that my feelings feel quite unique and special to me, many or almost all of my characther defects link up quite nicely to the disease of alcoholism. A disease that I hope we all understand is only partly to do with the actual drinking and very much to do with the thinking that allows this self indulgence and self destruction to continue. My negative thoughts are really dangerous to me and my sobriety. Much more dangerous then I'd like to admit. My negative thoughts really are as dangerous to me (in the long term) as a bottle of Kettle One is sitting on my shelf (in the short term). At least the Kettle One bottle I am aware of and would probably do something about--either give away or pour out etc. The negative thinking is different bc it sort of settles in when I am not paying attention.

Next thing I know I am back isolating, feeling different, and cloaked in a melancholy that I believe is unique to me but really is not at all. Perhaps I should start to imagine my negative thinking as a big green bottle of poison (not Tanqueray but close). When I hear that familiar voice telling me no one really likes me or how what I just said was stupid or how I am worthless then I could visualize the big green bottle and go into action to break it. I need to get rid of that poison with the same intensity as the Kettle One on the shelf--call someone and get some help with those voices before they convince me that they are actually a part of me. What I have learned is that my disease can sound just like me--so much so that I sometimes mistake my disease talking to me for my true self. The difference is not tone but content. My true self does not tell me I am worthless or bad because deep down I know I am not either of those things.

For today, I am again exposing these voices to you all and to myself as I write--then I watch them shrivel up and disintegrate into the air like paper I burned up. I can give those voices credit for a nice try but I am lucky to have too many people on my side now. Those voices dont stand a chance when I have so many other smarter voices to listen to now. xxk

the student becomes the teacher

hi all, no posts since Irene hit this area and caused some pretty serious flooding. our house was just fine but many of our neighbors are still not back to normal. all of this loss has really caused me to reflect--on everything. on what is important and what is not.

last night at work a young girl that i work with says--i just dont understand what the point of life is? we grow up, we pay bills and taxes, we die. i wanted to say something. i wanted to offer an opinion, or some possibilities even but i didnt. i just sat there and thought. shit, i get why she (at 16) does not understand what she thinks life is about but what is my excuse? what is the point of all of this?

i had in my head a whole assortment of thoughts. some buddhist stuff about how pain and suffering are part of life and how we can choose how we respond to it--what we make of it. i thought about some spiritual stuff like the purpose of life is to love. mainly though i just sat there and let the question float around us. a few other kids had similar questions and thoughts. it was hot and rainy. the generators were still on from the power outage from the hurricane. everyone was tired including me. in that moment things felt pretty grim.

about ten minutes later we left that building and saw the main lights on. the power had come back. everyone started clapping and was happy. grateful. myself included. the question though has stayed with me. what is my life's purpose? and how important is it to remember it when it is dark and challenging? my guess is that knowing ourselves and our life's purpose is very important.

i remember a book on addiction that said the people relapse for 2 reasons 1)denial creeps in and they convince themselves they no longer have a problem or 2) they know they have a problem but they lose the desire to stay sober. essentially, they feel hopeless about life and give up trying. the point of this was to illustrate how important spirituality is to recovery--we need to find meaning in life so that we dont give up on ourselves and retreat into the warm welcome numbness of hiding in alcohol or drugs or food or gambling or wherever else we like to hide.

so today i have committed myself to meditating and developing more of sense of my own purpose. more of a sense of what i am meant to do and what i can give back. sobriety is one gift that we really only get to keep by giving away. xxk