r is for recovery and relief

it is 12:35am and i cant sleep. i have made a resolve to try to be productive when i cannot sleep instead of laying in bed and just getting frustrated or worrying. so far so good as i cleaned my bathroom, recleaned the kitchen, made my own lavendar air freshener, and am now writing to you. so i made it through the wedding and the much written about toast. it went ok. there are things i would do different but basically i did not embarass myself or my sister and i said what was true and was not so nervous that i couldnt sort of relax for at least part of it. cool. after it was over i was so relieved that everything was super fun and i felt almost intoxicated with how pretty the night was and just how cool weddings are with family's getting connected and friends reconnecting. though there was drinking there i did not really feel bothered by it and i did feel sort of firmly resolved that my toast was going to be way better with the sober me giving it then with the old (not sober) me giving it.

so now, i am back with that event behind me. i am trying to relax but as usual my crazy brain is kicking in and just finding new and different things to worry about or just think about too much. i am trying to quiet my brain down. it goes so fast sometimes that i almost forget that i actually can control it. i get carried away. my own insecurities or fears fill me up and beat me down.

i think about how frequently i still compare myself to other people, either feeling totally beneath them or sickly better then them. it is such an annoying and really reprehensible quality this comparing. it makes me sad. and i dont just compare looks, i compare clothes, homes, cars, kids clothes, kids manners, jobs, education, family. all of it. my crazy brain goes there. and really can go bonkers. i am proud that i manage to sometimes not go there and then disappointed that i still do go there too. because when i do that, i cheat myself of the opportunity to actually know people and to be w/ them for who they are, not what they look like, or what they have. how superficial must i really be behaving when i make the assumption that i can know a person by what i see alone.

tonite, i am thinking about where this comes from. this desire to be better then or have more then. fear. greed. both. i know i am better then this, deep down that this is not really me but it is part of me. tonite i am asking that little part of me to begin to change. to consider that my real goal is to feel comfortable with myself no matter who i am with and what they do or dont have or do or dont say. i want to be the same me that is here writing this--real, solid, dependable. i think i made some progress at the wedding. that girl giving the toast--that was really me and i have to say that i was sort of proud of her. xx

the prayer of st francis, being of service, and other miscellany

it is late. 12:15. tonite i am working on memorizing the poem that i am supposed to read at my sisters wedding--which is this weekend. i went to a meeting tonite where we talked about the eleventh step. having not really done the steps in a linear way and not completely taking them literally--i tend to sort of make them into abstractions--i confess to having not read the 11th step. surprise i actually sort of enjoyed this reading. a rarity since i usually end up using my english major ways to dissect readings but tonite it was--not as painful as usual. we read the prayer of st francie will i always can get behind as a pretty well written prayer. also, it doesnt get too specifically religous which is also helpful in allowing me to be able to swallow it or enjoy it or even read it.

after we read this i talked about how i obsess over things still (e.g. giving my toast) and how i am smart enough to know that things will ultimately be ok but i wish i didnt have to obsess. the reading was basically about meditation. i have to say that it struck a chord wiht me tonite. meditation. getting in touch with some sort of idea, god, mindspace where you feel connected and energized. who cares what the idea, god, mindspace, energy really is. i think it is besides the point. the point is that giving our minds some time to chill the f*ck out probably is a good idea. for all of us, not just people in recovery but everyone. tonite i feel grateful for the opportunity/excuse to spend an hour of my night many days of the week focused on my overall wellness. sometimes this means listening, usually it means talking, but always it means reminding myself that i need to be vigilant about my disease--while also in some real way inspiring me.

there are tons of people that i can connect with, to help me, for me to help them. i dont have to do this alone and tonite i dont feel alone. tonite i feel plugged in to humanity. not just the recovery community but a larger community of people. i am reminded of how much we all have in common. our desires for acceptance, love, health, happiness.

tonite i think about this young woman i keep running into--in my head. she is scared and insecure. she feels like a fake bc she cant do anything without a drink and even then she doesnt really know why she is doing anything. i am not afraid of her anymore because i know she only exists in my memory. the truth is that scared hungover young woman hasnt been around for a long time now. sometimes i guess i confuse some of my fears or insecurities with her return but when i get honest and real--i can see that i am not that woman anymore, that i am actually totally different. i am ok and i am going to stay that way. i have done the work. my foundation is solid and no one is taking that away from me. and that is a really good feeling to go to sleep on. xx

short hair and a history lesson

hi. as you can see from my title i am feeling very creative and deep. ha. not quite. i realized though that i had not blogged about cutting all of my hair off which i did a few weeks or maybe even a month ago. it is funny how changes on the outside can make you feel changed on the inside. really funny bc in recovery i have been very inwardly focused--in terms of change and then i go and cut my hair and realize that the outside might just count for something too. i know, i know. why does it have to be one or the other? it doesnt, but my brain sometimes does that--just becomes sort of black and white. not often but sometimes i do this and definitely as it relates to ideas about appearances. when i was drinking and in nyc i was so appearance oriented--had lint brushes, shoe polish, mints, lip liner all in my desk just to make sure i was always delinted, shiny, looked just right. i feel i put all the emphasis on my outside bc my inside was all confused and jumbled up. i vividly remember looking in the mirror at some chic club and determining i needed a few pills to perk myself up before i went back out there. just downright weirdo thinking. it never occured to me to maybe, go home, or sleep, or eat--it was just drink soemthing, take something, or change outfits. i lived that way for a while, wearing black, shining my shoes, feeling hollow.

then i met (or really bumped into) an old friend--someone who was different then all of that. he was not perfect, but he was real. i mean i think what was important to him, what he was good at, what he was about had way less to do with what he looked like then most people i knew at the time. i guess i sort of fell in love with that. fell in love with what i felt was something substantial. soemthing solid. something more about what he thought, then what he wore. my love for this person was a crazy mess. mostly because i somehow would learn to divorce this persons treatment of me from who this person was. so i could love the person and not like our relationship and still call it love.

i dont get confused about much these days but that mess still confuses me. hits a nerve. still hurts to think about in a dull quiet way that i have come to realize may never actually go away but has faded. i know that what hurts about that mess was my own culpability. i was sort of the accomplice in a crime against me. that hurts. it hurts to know that i picked a person who i would allow to treat me sort of carelessly and that i called that feeling love. that i thought it was then i guess is a testament to the place i lived in when i was drinking. a place where i didnt know who i was and didnt think i deserved what i wanted.

in anycase, i ended up here in vt and alone determined to make myself into who i wanted to be. i will say that so far this project has been fairly successful. i am actually becoming the person that back then i only hoped i'd be. but perhaps there is room in my new self for some attention to the outside too. maybe taking care of yourself, paying attention to the outside soemtimes too, is really healthy as long as it is tempered with self awareness, humility, and some sense of humor. i dont know. this blog is all over the place from my hair to a little of my history. i guess i had some demons kicking around in there that needed some air. as i read this though i am proud of myself, of where i am, of what i have, and also of what i've left behind.xx

thursday night 10:56pm

hi. not much going on here. it is thursday night at 10:56. our house got its second viewing today which is a strange thing. on the one hand, i'm excited and on the other, i was sort of just getting used to the idea of staying around for a while longer. now i just feel confused. again. this entire process is really teaching me the importance of acceptance. even if it is just acceptance of things exactly as they are now and without knowing how they will be tomorrow. this is not at all easy bc it is really hard to mentally plan your future (my bad habit) when you cant even really predict (with any accuracy) where you might be in two months. it is seriously making me mental and making me take a good hard look at how attached i am to my own projections, predictions, expectations. it is confusing. tonite i watched two episodes of the Good Wife back to back. One i had already seen. i realized i was enjoying just being totally lazy, not thinking, not dealing, sort of hiding in tv. i dont do that often so it is strange when i realize that i am doing that and i keep doing it anyway. i thought about how easy it is to escape into anything. how lazy. how comfortable. i thought about how i feel safe when i am hiding which is actually pretty strange. i have been like this for as long as i can remember. have felt safe when i am curled up hiding from the world and (ironically) this is probably the most self destructive, least healthy, way for me to live and yet it feels right. oddly right to be sort of building a cocoon or nest or soemthing. tonite i wonder what really i am hiding from. what newness, unpredictablility, challenge am avoiding. how good coudl my life be if i stopped believing that every change was something that woudl make thigns worse. i can only wonder and hope to eventually fall asleep. hope you do too. xx

career quandry

hi all---if there even is an all. honestly sometimes i dont even know if i am writing a journal or if there is actually someone reading this mess of stuff. jeepers. ok, that said--i know it doesnt really matter anyway--tonite i am thinking about career goals. what do i really want for myself? what makes sense? is there an intersection? a few years ao i watched this pretty hokey dvd on the rules of attraction or something like that. it was called "the secret"--while i thought on some levels it was totally bogus, i admit to remaining a little curious about it. i mean how much of our life is controlled by our thoughts. how much of what we achieve is controlled by what we think we can achieve? this interests me. success interests me. failure too. how close we can be at any time to one or the other.

for me, failure is one liquor store trip away. always. one bottle of scotch away. one glass of wine and there it is. failure. but, i've done that already--felt bad about myself, underachieved, felt sorry for myself, hated the world, blamed other people. it is not that interesting anymore to me. but success, i mean real career sucess is interesting. what makes people successful and what do i even mean when i say it? is it effectiveness? money? happiness? creativity? freedom? all of the above. are the most successful people always happy? i think we all know examples of how the rich but miserable person. and then the poor but happy one? but whats the deal really? arent they all just stereotypes. what about real career success that is both financial and...spiritual?

is it as simple as doing what we love? are we always good at what we love? i dont know. i love to write but i am not sure i could make a living doing it. i like what i do now but i dont really feel effective. i feel like--i could be doing more to help more people only i dont know what that is. lately it feels like i keep having the same clients over and over. i think i read this as part of symptom check list on professional burnout...?

anyway, the clients that i keep running into are active addicts with young children. needless to say this is not where i want to be and probably not where anyone wants to be. if i thought i could really effect change then i would feel less helpless but i feel limited in what i can say and do. i wonder sometimes if i would be more effective if i just quit my job and started being a community organizer or life coach. at least then i could tell people to get their shit together and stop lying. now, i have to say stuff like maybe you need to take a look at your choices and think about what you want. really? even i dont like hearing this neutralized, watered down...mess. even when i try to be tough i can only say so much in a professional way. a big part of me just wants to say look--no one belives you. eveyrone knows you are using. stop or you are going to lose everything you have, love, and want. and even then i know that it probably wouldnt really matter what i say bc everyone has their own path, their own bottom, their own story.

so whats the deal really? i know enouch to know that this is really about me, not them. the people i work with probably have nothing or very little to do with it. denial. lying. manipulating. blaming. these are all symptoms of the disease that i am pretty well educated on. my inclination or desire to knock some sense into them--literally knock it in though means soemthing else. maybe it means it is time for a change. maybe my frustration or restlessness is telling me that i need to change. maybe it is time to think about what i can do different, not what they can. xx