out with the old and in with...something else

hi all. here i am. again. last week i visited vermont and some of my old friends and coworkers. as most of you know i moved to ny a few months ago and have been blogging endlessly about moving and transitions. i have been blogging so much about these things that even i got tired of thinking about it. i stopped writing so much. stopped thinking so much and started just doing and letting myself be or at least trying to. you see, for me, it is not easy to let myself be. i harp on myself. ocmpare myself. dissect myself and the lives of those around me...i do this because figuring things out helps me convince myself that i can predict what will happen. then i feel safe as i prepare myself for the life that i expect to happen.

the funny thing is that that really scary life never actually happens. the life i predict full of catastrophes and drama exists only in one place--my mind. i realized the other night as i was working at my new job that i am a pretty keen observer. before i am comfortable anywhere, i am just a watcher. i stand back and assess. sometimes this is good and sometimes not so good but i have accepted that for good or for bad this is me. what i never considered is that the observations are only as keen or accurate as the person who makes them.

i understand how as a child these predictions somehow made me feel safe and i understand as an adult how they do the opposite. i read once that we get what we see or we find what we look for etc. how simple. how true.

tonite i was putting my daughter to sleep--after a really fun halloween. we were talking about crying. my daughter said adults never cry. she said this in this most matter of fact an dknowing way. of course i explained that of course we all cry and reminded her in fact that she has seen me cry and i am an adult. but the real truth is that she has seen me cry so rarely that she doesnt even remember it. understanding fully that there will be a time when she the truth about adults crying will appear--i have to admit that i will go to sleep tonite grateful for both of us that this is her truth.
happy halloween friends. xxk

contrast and compare

hi all. when i was back in college i used to write lots of papers. some teachers let us pick how we wanted to write our papers and my two favorite papers to write were either contrast and compare or appearance vs reality. it only makes sense that more then ten years later i am still dealing with similar themes. lately, i have been struggling with comparing myself to other people. i end up feeling bad as i judge my own internal and very real life to what other peoples lives look like. i dont know why i do this but i know that the advent of things like facebook make it way easier to view the outside of peoples lives. though i continually remind myself that what things look like is just that, it is still a trap that i dont mind admitting that i fall into. the question is: why? and what do i do about it?

why? maybe that is easy. maybe we all are interested in how other people live, what makes them tick, etc. realizing that what people choose to show eveveryone is just that probably is also important. the other thing i suspect that goes on with me and this stuff is that i wonder what other people think of me. a long time ago i heard: what other people think of me is none of my business. a long time after that i started really trying to think this way. on most days i can get back to this simple idea.

the other thing that stands out to me is comparing myself to other people is really the symptom of a problem that i have with myself and really says nothign about anything or anyone else. the life i have today is full and beautiful. i love my family, my home, and my new job. i miss my old friends but am starting to make new ones. i am growing and it feels exciting and good.

the old me--the one that never felt comfortable or authentic is gone most of the time and in her place is this new person who is basically just fine. my old habits return but my reactions are changing. i see this as growth, slow coming but happening. i heard the other night that our feelings dont change but our responses to them can become less destructive or maybe not destructive at all.

i'll end this by trying to insert a poem that i heard tonite. maybe it is a little hokey but i love the message. i am not so into the god thing but i like it if you insert higher power or just you and yourself at the very end.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

cold chinese food, some good sleep, and great kids

hi all. this blog is hitting a deep and steady decline i fear. so much work and school that i was struggling finding time enough to reflect and so had little to write about. anyway, i do miss writing so much that i thought i would write just for me and hope for the best. so far my job is just great. i love the kids. they are amazing and inspire me to be better and do better. school is still rocking and i am psyched to be done training tomorrow and back to only working two nights a week vs everyday. my own kids i've missed so much that i could cry and tonite my daughter told me that she missed my whole self. i may never forget that one. coming home is just all good.

one thing i've not done is had much time for me and guess what--i am liberated. finally freedom from the bondage of my own thoughts. helping others--no matter how you do it or where--really is, at least for me, the path to true happiness and freedom. i realize that if i can stay with doing the right thing and being there for others i dont get so anxious, worried, and all consumed with feeling sorry for myself. i dont think i am alone in this either. of course i still do need to find time to take care of myself and reflect but if i can learn to balance my life so that i get both--well that seems to me to really be the goal.

tonite as i was finally able to think for a minute--i thought about my new clients and how they are all tucked in to nice clean beds, after eating a nice dinner, meditating, having snack and going to sleep. my thoughts return to the people i know in vt that are not having that same experience. i cant help but think that everyone deserves this. i think i wish i could create one giant huge residential facility for families to be taken care of. i think why is it so hard to stop cycles that dont help anyone and are deeply destructive? i promise myself and you guys reading that i wont stop asking these questions of myself or anyone else. why? because we all deserve better and together maybe we can just get there. xx

lets have a chill night not an ill night

ok all--get ready for some serious lingo shifts. day one of working with teens complete is clear to me that i no longer have any idea what anyone under the age of 18 is talking about. i sense a steep learning curve coming. i think i need a pull up (and no this is not the next step in diapers before training as i thought). anyway, just wanted to check in and say hello. really enjoyed my first night of work and feel grateful and inspired. working with young people again makes me remember all of the things i love about them--mostly though it is just how real they are and how in transition their entire lives are. it is a real gift (in my opinion) to be able to know a person at this point in their lives--when they are so vulnerable and then also wise. i hope i can learn from them and somehow be able to offer them something in return too. recovery is so cool if for no other reason then i get to do cool things like this with my nights. hope you all are finding cool things to do too. xxk

late afternoon thoughts

hi all. its tuesday so back to class for me. as i wrote before i've been trying out this self love concept and my first report back is that it is hard. way harder then i thought. i was about to write way harder then it should be but i have come to believe that should is really part of the problem. i bring out the shoulds anytime that i want to beat myself up. e.g. i should have gotten up early and run or or i should have said this or that. not good. anyway, having realized that at least part of my problem is self care i thought i could easily begin this process by just loving myself more or loving myself at all but it seems way harder then that.

it seems i will actually have to sort of persuade myself that i am indeed loveable and that it is important that i not only feel this love but that i actually act on it. action. i've have blogged before about my ability to think and write and how then the struggle to act. so, that said, it seems i need a self love action plan. i am going to leave this entry today at that. i am hard work on my self love action plan. with all the wing nuts i've managed to fall in love with--this should not be this hard. xxk

sunday night. not much to say except things are ok. i am ok. i have been working super hard to not be codependent i.e. make other people responsible for my happiness or unhappiness etc. it has helped. i have been thinking more about self care and what it means to love ourselves. this guy at a meeting said that for a year or so into his recovery he would wake up, look in the mirror and say--i like you, i love you, i forgive you. i really like this idea. i think i read once that carol burnett would look in the morning everyday and say good morning beautiful. i love both of these ideas. i love the idea of loving ourselves even when we dont like ourselves. i love unconditional self love. i never hear about it though.

so this is my newest challenge: to love me--everyday. not when things go well but all of the time. 24/7 self love. i think this is where i need to start. at the source. how can i expect to love others well if i cant do this first. i need to do this not just for me but for my kids. we all deserve this. i believe that. we all deserve our own best care and compassion. as i start this week this is what i am working on. i hope you work on it too. dont we all deserve it. i think so. i dont think we should wait any longer to start being our own best friends. xx k

still more in here

hi all. yes, i am back again already. at least it is still a respectable hour and not crazy insomniac late yet. still thinking about all of this chatter in my head lately about what other people think of me. i really have not been this way in a long time but moving--well it has brought it all back. the anxiety, the wanting to be liked, the wanting to fit in etc. the last time i moved was to vt and i was still drinking and it was a terribly tough transition that drinking did not help one bit to smooth. actually quite the opposite--i just kind of fell further and further into myself and my demons. so drinking is pretty clearly not the solution. drugs out of the question bc they'd just make me want to drink and also, lets be honest, the never really helped either. all things chemical just make me more of the bad things (selfish, self absorbed, emotional, neurotic) and then less of the good things (thoughtful, aware, compassionate).

i just remember how i moved to vt two weeks before 9/11 and so when it happened and i was in vt it was very odd. i felt like my home was attacked and i landed in a strange town where no one got it. there were candle light vigils that the town did and community activities. i remember sitting in a really shit house bar in town having gone to have one drink before attending this candle light vigil. and you all know how that went. i decided i could have my own vigil sitting right there at ryans. once at a bar it was nearly impossible for me to leave while they were still serving. every good intention, thoughtful idea, every right action just dissolved into that glass. gone.

so, here i am today. 6 years plus from the last drink. many real actions into the life i want and still i wrestle the demons. what does so and so think of me. as if somehow someone else's opinion of me might somehow either make me better or make me worse. knowing full well that it cant actually do either i remain stumped at the power someone else liking me still holds.

tonite i wonder if this not caring what others think of us is just an everyday thing. sort of like acceptance. we dont get to just accept and the move on. we are constantly in a state of either accepting or not. perhaps this being our own true selves, holding our head high, being strong...maybe this is just the same. not something i get to do once and then be done but something i have to do every single day. i guess it is that simple and that hard. i dont get to love myself just once. i have to do it over and over--until it is habit. thanks for listening, think i finally got this one sorted out. xxk

a few other things

hi all. after i wrote my last post i immediately wanted to revise it or erase it. i try not to do that, mostly bc i just try to be honest in the moment and not go back and figure out if i like how my honesty sounds or makes me look etc. one thing i wanted to be clear on though is that the real number one important thing is making sure that we like ourselves. not if someone likes us or we like someone else. i post about this so much that it is like the given in a geometry proof but i wanted to be super clear on that. so, number one is liking myself, then who i like, and then hopefully the rest will work itself out...

also, i have been briefly revisited by some ghosts of my past. feelings of inadequacy and feelings of...loss. all i can think is that somewhere along the line mt idea of romantic love formed and was defined as something very chaotic and extreme (in both highs and lows). so i tend to look back on these hell ride relationships sometimes sort of fondly. why i would do this makes no sense bc i can recall very clearly being totally unhappy or, a better word, discontent during these times. now, sitting here more or less content it is very uncomfortable. being comfortable is just about the most uncomfortable thing i can soemtimes think of. so when i begin to feel comfortable my brain seems to start craving drama, chaos, intensity so much that it will actually start looking backwards to find it. then when i do uncover a sufficiently painful or uncomfortable memory i sort of dive into it--head first.

last night i couldnt sleep and just thought--no! i am not going there this is my brain playing tricks on me. it goes something like if my alcholism cant get me to drink anymore bc i want to then maybe it will try making me feel the way i used to feel and see how that goes. i decided last night that i just wont have it. my brain is going to have to start making new pathways or something. finally and definitively i am done feeling sorry for myself, done lamenting, done thinking about things that dont make me happy and just make me feel like the person i havent actually been in years.

growing up sure is hard work. thanks for helping me. xxk