Hi All. Tonite I had to run a fake recovery group in my class (the class is to someday help me get my CASAC--certified alcohol and sub abuse counselor in NY State). Anyway, as part of the process I (or my class and I) need to learn how to run recovery groups. Tonite was my night to do it and it was hard and made me feel uncomfortable. Of course in retrospect I can think of all of the right things to say and do but in the moment it was hard. I felt somehow like I had blinders on and was unable to see the big picture of the group and all of the dynamics that come with it. Or maybe I did see the group but felt somehow powerless to effect the change that I wanted.
However you slice it, it was hard. I have never done it before and doing new things is never easy for me. I guess it is never easy for anyone but my version of the truth is that it is easy for everyone except me. I use this totally false truth to make myself feel bad for not knowing how to do things that there is no real way that I should know how to do. Despite positive feedback I still feel somewhat deflated. Not from doing a bad job per se but from not doing a f*cking fantastic out of the park job. I guess from not being flawless. This desire to be flawless screws me in so many different ways that it is actually hard to think of them all to write them.
Lets just say that in many different areas of my life I hold myself to a standard that is nearly impossible and then choose to not even try bc I know I will never be good enough.
I have worked hard to know that I do this and worked hard to overcome it. People who know me in real life would be suprised, I think, that my internal voice is pretty different from the self I put out there to the world. In other words I dont go aroudn telling everyone how crazy my inside voices actually can be. Mainly bc I now know that that initial inside crazy voice really needs to be shut down. Sometimes shutting that voice down is easy and I just ignore it and it stops. Times like tonite I know I need to shine some serious light on it and watch it scamper away.
Deep down in the very core of who I am--the K that I have been trying to get back to--I know that I am just fine. I know that I need to make mistakes in order to learn new things. I know that I am not any better or worse then anyone else. Tonite, I will take the time to feel grateful for the opportunities that my mistakes afford me--the chance to do it different the next time. Back when I was drinking there were so many opportunities to do something different that I missed. Tonite, there are jsut more chances--all of them I know will help make me stronger and wiser. Here's to progress for us all--which includes lots of mistakes and struggles--lots of chances for us to learn how to be better and do better.
Another sober night that ends with me being grateful for the chance to live in a way that I can be proud of. I hope you are living this way too. xxK
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
safe places, 100 years, and loss
hi all. tonite i am sad. today someone once very close to me passed away. she was my great aunt mamie. my mother's father's sister to be exact. a few months ago my family went to mamie's 100th year birthday party. it was amazing to see generations of people all there to celebrate one person.
over the years i've grown away from mamie--or actually not even, more like i moved away and then grew away. it is weird how that works. how we can grow away from people just because we dont see them often and then still feel in a way like our relationship is the same. i think this only happens with special people in our lives. i am lucky to have a few people who i really dont need to see but i know they are always here with me and i know that i am there with them. they are in some small way inside of me.
i think i wrote ages ago about how my therapists voice will sometimes appear in my head--being encouraging or supportive--challenging my negative self talk or all or nothing thinking. my aunt mamie is different though bc i dont hear her voice as much as recall her home. it is hard to explain how safe and happy i felt as a child in her presence and in her home. she did not have her own children and i imagine that i was not the first child to feel the bliss of her sole attention comforting. we would sleep in her high giant bed and i would listen to her stories from when she was a young girl--growing up in that very home. at a time in my life where much was changing her home was a constant place of safety and comfort.
my aunt mamie or, to the rest of the world, mary huth was many things to many people--daughter, sister, wife, aunt, teacher but what she was to me was my mamie. i know mamie missed her family and friends most of whom had long since passed. i am glad tonite for her that she has returned to them. as for me, i know she has not really gone anywhere where i cant reach her. good night mamie. xxk
over the years i've grown away from mamie--or actually not even, more like i moved away and then grew away. it is weird how that works. how we can grow away from people just because we dont see them often and then still feel in a way like our relationship is the same. i think this only happens with special people in our lives. i am lucky to have a few people who i really dont need to see but i know they are always here with me and i know that i am there with them. they are in some small way inside of me.
i think i wrote ages ago about how my therapists voice will sometimes appear in my head--being encouraging or supportive--challenging my negative self talk or all or nothing thinking. my aunt mamie is different though bc i dont hear her voice as much as recall her home. it is hard to explain how safe and happy i felt as a child in her presence and in her home. she did not have her own children and i imagine that i was not the first child to feel the bliss of her sole attention comforting. we would sleep in her high giant bed and i would listen to her stories from when she was a young girl--growing up in that very home. at a time in my life where much was changing her home was a constant place of safety and comfort.
my aunt mamie or, to the rest of the world, mary huth was many things to many people--daughter, sister, wife, aunt, teacher but what she was to me was my mamie. i know mamie missed her family and friends most of whom had long since passed. i am glad tonite for her that she has returned to them. as for me, i know she has not really gone anywhere where i cant reach her. good night mamie. xxk
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
identity
hi all. i cant believe my title is identity. talk about heavy. if i had more coffee maybe i could be more creative? what i really want to talk about is something that happened to me yesterday. yesterday i watched a music video. the video was for life on a chain by pete yorn. it is an old song and an old video. when i watched it though i was instantly transported to a place in my life that felt very familiar. a time when i was wearing black tee shirts, ripped jeans, and lived in dive bars. i was an extreme version of myself and proud of it. i drank tequila shots, smoked marlboro lights, and thought dark beer was the answer to almost anything.
when i saw this video, heard this song, i started to think about that version of myself. i was nostalgic for her. not just for the drinking but for the not caring. i think i was nostalgic for irresponsibility. i went to work all in my own head and strange. i missed people that i knew then. i missed all sorts of strange things that seem weird to miss.
i then went to work. i didnt think about the music or the video or the ripped jeans. i spent time with girls who were living very similarly to the way i thought i missed--not that long ago. i felt their confusion, their pain, their lack of self esteem on some visceral level that maybe you can really only feel if you've been there.
i drove home from work in the dark thinking about how proud i am of those girls, of myself, of anyone who has been somewhere dark and is trying to get somewhere light. i thought about tequila shots and cigarettes. i thought about pete yorn and the old boyfriend who went with him. this is my history--these stories, memories, thoughts are a part of who i am because they are who i used to be. and in all of us here now, is who we used to be, then who we want to be, and finally who we are right now. we all have a blend of these things within us which is what makes us interesting, complicated, and unlike anyone else.
my desire for gritty bars i have left behind, sometimes with a dull ache, and other times with complete certainty. either way though it is behind. just like the pete yorn, the boyfriend, the tequila shots. on some days the past for whatever unknown reason seems interesting and on other days it seems immature and sad. how my history looks depends on where i am standing when i look. i think we all feel this way. a little hungry, angry, lonely, tired and shit we used to do sounds appealing--honestly anything thta might make us feel different sometimes sounds appealing.
here's the trick i've had to work for though--just because we feel this way does not mean that we have to do a darn thing about it. we can just feel this way. we can be aware of it. we can understand that like everyone else we too are going to remember the things we used to do. it is ok. we are ok. we are all together in this funny and sometimes confusing world of change. the only thing we can all depend on is that this too will pass. here's to another night i can remember, love we can wake up with, and to being proud of our choices for another day. xxk
when i saw this video, heard this song, i started to think about that version of myself. i was nostalgic for her. not just for the drinking but for the not caring. i think i was nostalgic for irresponsibility. i went to work all in my own head and strange. i missed people that i knew then. i missed all sorts of strange things that seem weird to miss.
i then went to work. i didnt think about the music or the video or the ripped jeans. i spent time with girls who were living very similarly to the way i thought i missed--not that long ago. i felt their confusion, their pain, their lack of self esteem on some visceral level that maybe you can really only feel if you've been there.
i drove home from work in the dark thinking about how proud i am of those girls, of myself, of anyone who has been somewhere dark and is trying to get somewhere light. i thought about tequila shots and cigarettes. i thought about pete yorn and the old boyfriend who went with him. this is my history--these stories, memories, thoughts are a part of who i am because they are who i used to be. and in all of us here now, is who we used to be, then who we want to be, and finally who we are right now. we all have a blend of these things within us which is what makes us interesting, complicated, and unlike anyone else.
my desire for gritty bars i have left behind, sometimes with a dull ache, and other times with complete certainty. either way though it is behind. just like the pete yorn, the boyfriend, the tequila shots. on some days the past for whatever unknown reason seems interesting and on other days it seems immature and sad. how my history looks depends on where i am standing when i look. i think we all feel this way. a little hungry, angry, lonely, tired and shit we used to do sounds appealing--honestly anything thta might make us feel different sometimes sounds appealing.
here's the trick i've had to work for though--just because we feel this way does not mean that we have to do a darn thing about it. we can just feel this way. we can be aware of it. we can understand that like everyone else we too are going to remember the things we used to do. it is ok. we are ok. we are all together in this funny and sometimes confusing world of change. the only thing we can all depend on is that this too will pass. here's to another night i can remember, love we can wake up with, and to being proud of our choices for another day. xxk
Sunday, January 2, 2011
new year, new goals, new start...?
hi all. another new year. 2011. is this the year that i finally figure out a way to make my life manageable? balanced? is this the year i feel together and confident. maybe, just maybe it is.
i have been meditating and despite some of my more cynical thoughts about it, i will say that it does indeed seem to help me. i have found meditating in a group to be highly helpful--i think mostly bc this keeps me from trying to meditate while trolling facebook (not a good idea but one i did actually try out). anyway, for a person who is perpetually thinking and then over thinking, the meditation thing is both necessary and then just downright painful.
i am way too far into my own head at the moment to just do free form meditation, so i have found that i need to listen to someone to medidate. i think this is called guided meditation. i need the structure. a theme that i could argue runs throughout my entire life at the moment, but i wont even go there tonite. what i have been doing is listening to meditations from the chopra center online. they are free and not long and they keep me focused and prevent me from trying to multitask during meditation. also, i really dig the chakras stuff because it gives me a framework to apply to my energy and my inbalances. also, because i am just a little flakey and this stuff appeals to me. i get that some people find it lame though and if thats you then i suggest googling gudided meditations and starting there.
so that is that. i am meditating. i am running. i am trying to apply some discipline to a life and personality that find self discipline somehow reprehensible. yes, i was that person who used to scoff at anyone who exercised, meditated, balanced their checkbook, had an organizer, bought stamps, went to bed early, got up on time etc. in other words if you were actually an adult then i took issue with you. i guess thats what adolescence do. even if they are nearly 30. so here i am at 37 learning how to be an adult for real. i know that many adults never really learn this and so i am not beating myself up or anything. i am just plodding along. trying to laugh at myself as i shed my adolescent habits at nearly 40. hope you're laughing too--at me, at yourself, at really how funny trying to recover and rebuild ourselves can be if you look at it right.
i'll leave you with my favorite AA slogan. easy does it. as my friend in bennington used to say--karen, it's the easy that does it. amen. xxk
i have been meditating and despite some of my more cynical thoughts about it, i will say that it does indeed seem to help me. i have found meditating in a group to be highly helpful--i think mostly bc this keeps me from trying to meditate while trolling facebook (not a good idea but one i did actually try out). anyway, for a person who is perpetually thinking and then over thinking, the meditation thing is both necessary and then just downright painful.
i am way too far into my own head at the moment to just do free form meditation, so i have found that i need to listen to someone to medidate. i think this is called guided meditation. i need the structure. a theme that i could argue runs throughout my entire life at the moment, but i wont even go there tonite. what i have been doing is listening to meditations from the chopra center online. they are free and not long and they keep me focused and prevent me from trying to multitask during meditation. also, i really dig the chakras stuff because it gives me a framework to apply to my energy and my inbalances. also, because i am just a little flakey and this stuff appeals to me. i get that some people find it lame though and if thats you then i suggest googling gudided meditations and starting there.
so that is that. i am meditating. i am running. i am trying to apply some discipline to a life and personality that find self discipline somehow reprehensible. yes, i was that person who used to scoff at anyone who exercised, meditated, balanced their checkbook, had an organizer, bought stamps, went to bed early, got up on time etc. in other words if you were actually an adult then i took issue with you. i guess thats what adolescence do. even if they are nearly 30. so here i am at 37 learning how to be an adult for real. i know that many adults never really learn this and so i am not beating myself up or anything. i am just plodding along. trying to laugh at myself as i shed my adolescent habits at nearly 40. hope you're laughing too--at me, at yourself, at really how funny trying to recover and rebuild ourselves can be if you look at it right.
i'll leave you with my favorite AA slogan. easy does it. as my friend in bennington used to say--karen, it's the easy that does it. amen. xxk
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