Hi All,
What a crazy few weeks it has been. I have found myself vacationing in East Hampton one minute (thanks to my sister and brother in law), rushing home bc of strep thought another minute (no, it was not actually strep), and in the ER because my daughter had an allergic reaction to a bee sting after that. Lastly, yesterday I put my daughter on the bus for the first time and watched it drive away--feeling at that moment a very strange mix of pride and gut wrenching pain. Separation is hard.
During this time I kept trying to blog--writing entries here and there and either accidentally deleting them or reading them when they were complete realizing that whatever I was trying to say was not working. Today I just committed to publishing this post regardless of quality. Enough is enough. I need to get back in the game of my real life and get out of the game that is in my head. The game in my head (which you all likely are familiar with) is the one that tells me that I am not good enough, that I need to control things, that I am in control--. My ability to believe or feel that I am somehow in control of things (even a little) is my real undoing. With this belief comes the fear. The fear that I wont measure up, that I will get it wrong, that I know less then other people and that really soon everyone else is going to figure that out. This fear is insidious and has me comparing myself at every angle to any or everyone that happens to cross my path. Less then her, better then him--less then, better then, less then, better then. On and on I roll thru my life on somedays conscious not entirely of just how often my self worth is validated by these sneaky judgements.
Here is what I know so far. I am not less then or better then you or anyone else. I have unqiue skills, talents, and wisdom just like everyone else does. I am not in control of how the lives of the people that I love turn out. I am in control of my choices which seem to turn out better for myself (and everyone else) if I make them from a place of love and faith and not from a place of fear and judgement. Though I have at times found the Serenity Prayer way to simple for my complex needs (I am laughing when I write this though it is secretly true) it seems I return to it over and over anyway...changing only the things that I can is where I need to keep my focus.
The 12 steps offer me a blue print for a way of life that is different from the way that I once lived. I have a choice to consciously learn a new way to think and act. A way that is based on faith, honesty, compassion, and action. I can learn from other people how to counter my incessant negative thinking. I need to learn this way because I have a deep awareness of my inability to sustain my sobriety wihout it. I simply cannot stay sober while thinking drunk. To me, thinking drunk is just about being judgemental of myself and others and then also not doing anything to change. I read a long time ago that we cant think our way into right action. I found it so helpful that I posted that phrase all over my house--I need to act my way into right thinking. For a long time negative thinker this idea really let in the light and got me going. If I want to be different then I need to stop waiting to feel different and start acting different. I need help from a sponsor bc I often (without help) will return to my old default of negativity and obsessing sometimes without even realizing it. I need support because I get discouraged (bring on the meetings). I need love (which is my form of spirituality and higher power) because--because it gives me hope and purpose. Lastly, I need to help others because getting out of my own head is where the magic is.
So, I am nearly done my fourth step, working on my fear inventory, and have just accepted a commitment speaking at a Beginners Meeting in October. I do these things not because I will drink if I dont but because I will suffer if I dont. I will be sad, confused, and spinning my wheels all alone if I dont DO something different. I cant listen to my own head either (you have nothing to offer a beginner--you will embarass yourself, look like a fool--people wont like you or dont like you etc.). I will do the next right thing and try to have faith. I will do this because I want to be free from the mental chains that bind me even when my body is clear of alcohol and drugs. I will do this because in the end I know that we really are what we do. xxK
What a crazy few weeks it has been. I have found myself vacationing in East Hampton one minute (thanks to my sister and brother in law), rushing home bc of strep thought another minute (no, it was not actually strep), and in the ER because my daughter had an allergic reaction to a bee sting after that. Lastly, yesterday I put my daughter on the bus for the first time and watched it drive away--feeling at that moment a very strange mix of pride and gut wrenching pain. Separation is hard.
During this time I kept trying to blog--writing entries here and there and either accidentally deleting them or reading them when they were complete realizing that whatever I was trying to say was not working. Today I just committed to publishing this post regardless of quality. Enough is enough. I need to get back in the game of my real life and get out of the game that is in my head. The game in my head (which you all likely are familiar with) is the one that tells me that I am not good enough, that I need to control things, that I am in control--. My ability to believe or feel that I am somehow in control of things (even a little) is my real undoing. With this belief comes the fear. The fear that I wont measure up, that I will get it wrong, that I know less then other people and that really soon everyone else is going to figure that out. This fear is insidious and has me comparing myself at every angle to any or everyone that happens to cross my path. Less then her, better then him--less then, better then, less then, better then. On and on I roll thru my life on somedays conscious not entirely of just how often my self worth is validated by these sneaky judgements.
Here is what I know so far. I am not less then or better then you or anyone else. I have unqiue skills, talents, and wisdom just like everyone else does. I am not in control of how the lives of the people that I love turn out. I am in control of my choices which seem to turn out better for myself (and everyone else) if I make them from a place of love and faith and not from a place of fear and judgement. Though I have at times found the Serenity Prayer way to simple for my complex needs (I am laughing when I write this though it is secretly true) it seems I return to it over and over anyway...changing only the things that I can is where I need to keep my focus.
The 12 steps offer me a blue print for a way of life that is different from the way that I once lived. I have a choice to consciously learn a new way to think and act. A way that is based on faith, honesty, compassion, and action. I can learn from other people how to counter my incessant negative thinking. I need to learn this way because I have a deep awareness of my inability to sustain my sobriety wihout it. I simply cannot stay sober while thinking drunk. To me, thinking drunk is just about being judgemental of myself and others and then also not doing anything to change. I read a long time ago that we cant think our way into right action. I found it so helpful that I posted that phrase all over my house--I need to act my way into right thinking. For a long time negative thinker this idea really let in the light and got me going. If I want to be different then I need to stop waiting to feel different and start acting different. I need help from a sponsor bc I often (without help) will return to my old default of negativity and obsessing sometimes without even realizing it. I need support because I get discouraged (bring on the meetings). I need love (which is my form of spirituality and higher power) because--because it gives me hope and purpose. Lastly, I need to help others because getting out of my own head is where the magic is.
So, I am nearly done my fourth step, working on my fear inventory, and have just accepted a commitment speaking at a Beginners Meeting in October. I do these things not because I will drink if I dont but because I will suffer if I dont. I will be sad, confused, and spinning my wheels all alone if I dont DO something different. I cant listen to my own head either (you have nothing to offer a beginner--you will embarass yourself, look like a fool--people wont like you or dont like you etc.). I will do the next right thing and try to have faith. I will do this because I want to be free from the mental chains that bind me even when my body is clear of alcohol and drugs. I will do this because in the end I know that we really are what we do. xxK
