hi all. today it rained nearly all day. it also got dark around 4:30 or close. i was tired bc i was up till two and i felt negative and worried. i also forgot to eat lunch and got lost on my way to a thing for school. i got where i was going which was good. and i ate a good dinner which was also good. i felt better mostly--except on my way home from my school thing i got thinking about drinking. not deep terrible thoughts but weird thoughts like if i drank today then...would happen. i found myself sort of mulling this over in my brain for a while. ok, i would stop at bar and then i would order drink and then i would...
but before i got to the actual drinking part i did have the good sense to skip way forward. the remorse. the cravings. the shame. all of the annoying events which cause shame. then the embarassing events that cause remorse. all of it. i thought what the heck is wrong with me? then i thought about it all--the rain, the hunger, the tiredness, the darkness, the stress. i thought about how it is a miracle i did not go get a drink, not today or any other day. i realized then just how powerful a disease addiction can be--so powerful that it that will sit and wait for me or you to think it is gone and then, and only then, totally fuck your life up.
i thought about my family, my friends, school, work. all of it. i thought about how lucky i am and how lucky we all are. driving around in our cars, with our gasoline, food, shelter, health. i thought about how this disease really only can manifest itself in a brain that has stopped seeing the beauty and love that is all around it.
more and more i see the antidote to addiction is love. self love. love of humanity. love of life. love of giving. i sat in this meeting a month or so ago and the topic was "peeling in the onion." people were discussing the onion, layers, growing, changing etc. at the end this guy just says that, to him, when you peel back his layers what he ultimately finds is love. this idea really resonated with me. this sense that we need to get back to our real and true selves because that is where our love is. our love for ourselves and our capacity to share it with others. it is all there--we just need to get back to it.
so--another sober night that ends with me feeling connected, loved, and maybe most importantly loveable. hope you've gotten there today too--and if you havent--keep trying. xxk
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
growth takes time and patience...
hi all. seems one am is becoming my new favorite blog time. home from work and wide awake. full of inspiration. emotions. thoughts. let me start by saying that i now work with adolescents with substance abuse problems. so tonite i am working and have the opportunity to hear not one but three very powerful stories. the sad thing about these stories is that they are all starting to blur together for me. i remember the first time a young person told me their trauma story and i just sat there...listening. eyes welling up. feeling weak for not being able to be more...clinical. that story and the many that have followed generally follow the same sad and predictable trajectory.
all of these young people mistreated by the adults who were supposed to be taking care of them. i know and dont need to be reminded that many of these girls are and were victimized by parents or other adults who themselves were victims. one big giant cycle of pain.
i am forced to ask myself and you...when will this cycle stop? and who will stop it? i for one would like to be part of this stopping. in my class i learned that right now only one third of individuals treated for substance abuse actually recover and stay recovered. i think i was/am supposed to be excited about this statistic...needless to say that i am not. this is 2010. we understand the brain. we understand brain chemistry. mental health. we understand cycles of violence. stages of change. attachment theory. we understand big and heavy stuff. yet the sum of the parts has not yet equalled the whole.
we need to get it. and these young people need to be part of us getting it. we need to work together to start the healing and our expectations need to be better then one third. the time is now. we can do this. we just need to want to and we need to work together. we have of all of the answers we need. committed, sober, and healthy adults can not be content with having their own recovery. this gift of recovery needs to be shared and we need young people all over this country to be connected to and repeatedly exposed to adults who care and are living sober, healthy lives.
one young girl tonite said it just right...she said...all i needed was someone at home to love me. in a world full of problems that have no solutions--how can we be content to not attack a problem like this. a problem that so clearly has a solution. love. our very own free and natural resource. those of us that have it should not be content to keep it to ourselves. are you with me? i'd love to hear from you. maybe together we can make a difference. xx
all of these young people mistreated by the adults who were supposed to be taking care of them. i know and dont need to be reminded that many of these girls are and were victimized by parents or other adults who themselves were victims. one big giant cycle of pain.
i am forced to ask myself and you...when will this cycle stop? and who will stop it? i for one would like to be part of this stopping. in my class i learned that right now only one third of individuals treated for substance abuse actually recover and stay recovered. i think i was/am supposed to be excited about this statistic...needless to say that i am not. this is 2010. we understand the brain. we understand brain chemistry. mental health. we understand cycles of violence. stages of change. attachment theory. we understand big and heavy stuff. yet the sum of the parts has not yet equalled the whole.
we need to get it. and these young people need to be part of us getting it. we need to work together to start the healing and our expectations need to be better then one third. the time is now. we can do this. we just need to want to and we need to work together. we have of all of the answers we need. committed, sober, and healthy adults can not be content with having their own recovery. this gift of recovery needs to be shared and we need young people all over this country to be connected to and repeatedly exposed to adults who care and are living sober, healthy lives.
one young girl tonite said it just right...she said...all i needed was someone at home to love me. in a world full of problems that have no solutions--how can we be content to not attack a problem like this. a problem that so clearly has a solution. love. our very own free and natural resource. those of us that have it should not be content to keep it to ourselves. are you with me? i'd love to hear from you. maybe together we can make a difference. xx
Saturday, November 13, 2010
signs of the times
hi all. just back from work at it is nearly 1 am. of course i needed to check in with you all and say hello. i have been thinking a lot lately and i guess not writing as much. my thinking has lead me to start seeing signs again everywhere. i find road signs lately to be particularly insightful and continue to see construction and men waving orange signs as a metaphor for life in general and recovery specifically.
i've noticed that my blog has veered into the general worry zone and does not focus on recovery as much as it once did. i think this is bc my life has veered into the general worry zone...something noteworthy did recently happen to me though. i sat at a meeting listening to a woman share about how open her heart was and how glad she was that she was able to take in all of the love and happiness around her. at the time that she said this i had entered the meeting in a pretty toxic state. tired. sad. dejected. and feeling maybe even a little hopeless. the voices in my head telling me that i would never have friends or coworkers like i used to were winning and i was starting to believe my own spin till this woman spoke.
suddenly it all became so clear. an open heart? able to take in all of the love around her? and there it was. the problem layed out right before me--since moving to ny i had little by little began to close not open. i suddenly realized that this closing was very important to recognize. the closing was what was making me feel like i was separate, alone, disconnected. the minute that i opened my mouth and told on myself i realized that things were changing. i got it. the work is to have an open heart when you are scared and want to close. to have faith when your fear feels the most real and overwhelming.
that night i began to visualize my heart opening. i began to consider, really deeply consider, the love and gifts that quite literally surround me. as i thought deeply about my open heart, i began to feel those gifts. that was last week and i will say that i still feel them now. i still feel surrounded by love and slowly able to let it in. i realized something--that my beautiful, complicated, funny, intense, and full of love life is here for the taking. the love i want is right here for me. always. i dont have to seek and find. i just need to allow it in and i am transformed.
call it a spiritual connection. an awakening. or just the right meeting at the right time...i dont know. i dont really need to know. way back in college, my senior year, i began having really intense anxiety--i attribute this to fear of the future and lots of drinking. i would lay awake at night and not be able to sleep, not be able to quiet my mind. back then i realized that if i thought about how much my then boyfriend loved me and if that was all i thought about--imagined him there or just around me then i would calm down and fall asleep. at that time i felt so smart to have figured this out.
years later. many boyfriends since and now married i see that depending on love from someone else, from an outside source is...not ideal for lack of a better phrase. i think of how i felt when that love was gone. i think of the anger, shame, resentment that took its place. i realize now--after maybe 16 years that there is a source of love that is always available to me, that can hold me and help me feel calm and that love does not have to come from someone else. i can love myself. i can feel spiritually connected to a source of goodness and love that will never be taken from me and, perhaps more accurately, that i will never have to worry about messing up. here's to us all finding the unconditional love that is right there waiting for all of us...here's to us finally believing that we deserve it. xx
i've noticed that my blog has veered into the general worry zone and does not focus on recovery as much as it once did. i think this is bc my life has veered into the general worry zone...something noteworthy did recently happen to me though. i sat at a meeting listening to a woman share about how open her heart was and how glad she was that she was able to take in all of the love and happiness around her. at the time that she said this i had entered the meeting in a pretty toxic state. tired. sad. dejected. and feeling maybe even a little hopeless. the voices in my head telling me that i would never have friends or coworkers like i used to were winning and i was starting to believe my own spin till this woman spoke.
suddenly it all became so clear. an open heart? able to take in all of the love around her? and there it was. the problem layed out right before me--since moving to ny i had little by little began to close not open. i suddenly realized that this closing was very important to recognize. the closing was what was making me feel like i was separate, alone, disconnected. the minute that i opened my mouth and told on myself i realized that things were changing. i got it. the work is to have an open heart when you are scared and want to close. to have faith when your fear feels the most real and overwhelming.
that night i began to visualize my heart opening. i began to consider, really deeply consider, the love and gifts that quite literally surround me. as i thought deeply about my open heart, i began to feel those gifts. that was last week and i will say that i still feel them now. i still feel surrounded by love and slowly able to let it in. i realized something--that my beautiful, complicated, funny, intense, and full of love life is here for the taking. the love i want is right here for me. always. i dont have to seek and find. i just need to allow it in and i am transformed.
call it a spiritual connection. an awakening. or just the right meeting at the right time...i dont know. i dont really need to know. way back in college, my senior year, i began having really intense anxiety--i attribute this to fear of the future and lots of drinking. i would lay awake at night and not be able to sleep, not be able to quiet my mind. back then i realized that if i thought about how much my then boyfriend loved me and if that was all i thought about--imagined him there or just around me then i would calm down and fall asleep. at that time i felt so smart to have figured this out.
years later. many boyfriends since and now married i see that depending on love from someone else, from an outside source is...not ideal for lack of a better phrase. i think of how i felt when that love was gone. i think of the anger, shame, resentment that took its place. i realize now--after maybe 16 years that there is a source of love that is always available to me, that can hold me and help me feel calm and that love does not have to come from someone else. i can love myself. i can feel spiritually connected to a source of goodness and love that will never be taken from me and, perhaps more accurately, that i will never have to worry about messing up. here's to us all finding the unconditional love that is right there waiting for all of us...here's to us finally believing that we deserve it. xx
Friday, November 5, 2010
old habits--are annoying
hi all. today is friday. the weather is gloomy. my daughter is at full day preschool now three days a week and my son naps. this leaves me with an odd thing--spare time. of course i could be folding laundry, putting dishes away, or cooking but i am not. i am here writing to you or to me or something instead.
last night i went to sleep discontet and woke up even more so. my dad's health and all of the fear that goes along with it has me all jacked up. despite the knowldege that things seem ok right now, it is difficult for me to come back to earth. hard to recover i guess is the sentiment. i tend to want to continue to brace for impact--like a passenger on a flight who is still in the emergency position well after the actual emergency has passed. it is a bummer.
the emergency position coupled with some overall malaise that might be somewhat weather related has me a little down. and of course in my nature, i tend to dwell in the down instead of doing something else that will make me feel better. it is an old habit this dwelling.
also, i have this weird...intuition? that something is wrong which i just realized may also be part of my inability to believe things are ok. someone once accused me of being like chicken little who always thinks the sky is falling, eventually people stop listening or caring. i remember that comment like it was yesterday partially because it devestated me and partially bc there was some truth in it. i have become particularly adept and seeing negative patterns or looking for where and or how things will fall apart. i dont think i need to explain why i do this, suffice to say that it must give me some weird sense of control or comfort.
the struggle today is that post-possible crisis and unable to de-crisis myself quickly, i realize that part of the problem is having not felt the actual feelings yesterday or the day before--i now am left with this weird inability to totally rid myself of them. do feelings linger until they are actually felt? i can only think that they indeed do. if that is true then i need to get to actually feeling. easier said then done. maybe that will be my next post...how to feel the feelings that have gotten lost deep inside you. maybe i need to find them first...here's to finding what is lost and letting go of it once we get it, or soemthing like that. xxk
last night i went to sleep discontet and woke up even more so. my dad's health and all of the fear that goes along with it has me all jacked up. despite the knowldege that things seem ok right now, it is difficult for me to come back to earth. hard to recover i guess is the sentiment. i tend to want to continue to brace for impact--like a passenger on a flight who is still in the emergency position well after the actual emergency has passed. it is a bummer.
the emergency position coupled with some overall malaise that might be somewhat weather related has me a little down. and of course in my nature, i tend to dwell in the down instead of doing something else that will make me feel better. it is an old habit this dwelling.
also, i have this weird...intuition? that something is wrong which i just realized may also be part of my inability to believe things are ok. someone once accused me of being like chicken little who always thinks the sky is falling, eventually people stop listening or caring. i remember that comment like it was yesterday partially because it devestated me and partially bc there was some truth in it. i have become particularly adept and seeing negative patterns or looking for where and or how things will fall apart. i dont think i need to explain why i do this, suffice to say that it must give me some weird sense of control or comfort.
the struggle today is that post-possible crisis and unable to de-crisis myself quickly, i realize that part of the problem is having not felt the actual feelings yesterday or the day before--i now am left with this weird inability to totally rid myself of them. do feelings linger until they are actually felt? i can only think that they indeed do. if that is true then i need to get to actually feeling. easier said then done. maybe that will be my next post...how to feel the feelings that have gotten lost deep inside you. maybe i need to find them first...here's to finding what is lost and letting go of it once we get it, or soemthing like that. xxk
Thursday, November 4, 2010
intellectualization and my other defenses
hi all. confessions abound. last night i got bad news about my dad's health and learned he is going to need another surgery. i feel grateful that this was caught early but once again back in "triage" mode as a friend called it. i immediately felt myself writing down phone numbers, making plans etc. if you ask me how i actually felt i confess it would be impossible for me to know. my feelings were and are so stuffed down, covered up, and ignored in these moments that they remain a mystery until well after any crisis is well over. i'd like to also say that this is all a choice and that i do this in order to get things done and be repsonsible but alas that is not at all the truth.
my truth is that i have become expert at ignoring my feelings at these times and in so doing often dont even know what they actually are. i could think about how i probably feel--scared, worried, anxious etc but i dont think i could actually feel those things at all. i know that feeling feelings is important and yet at times like this feel totally incapable of getting there and, to be honest, i am not even sure i want to.
maybe we all need our defence mechanisms for exactly the reason that we develop them--to protect ourselves. maybe for me it is easier to feel after the fact and not during. as long as i feel at some point maybe that is just fine. i promise this time to try to take better care of myself while going thru this process bc i learned thru the last surgery and then move that not taking care of me is really a recipe for disaster for everyone. here's to applying my lessons to this next situation and to my dad being bell and back to feeling good again soon. if there is a lesson here i am sure it is that we should never take our health or the health of those we love for granted. xxk
my truth is that i have become expert at ignoring my feelings at these times and in so doing often dont even know what they actually are. i could think about how i probably feel--scared, worried, anxious etc but i dont think i could actually feel those things at all. i know that feeling feelings is important and yet at times like this feel totally incapable of getting there and, to be honest, i am not even sure i want to.
maybe we all need our defence mechanisms for exactly the reason that we develop them--to protect ourselves. maybe for me it is easier to feel after the fact and not during. as long as i feel at some point maybe that is just fine. i promise this time to try to take better care of myself while going thru this process bc i learned thru the last surgery and then move that not taking care of me is really a recipe for disaster for everyone. here's to applying my lessons to this next situation and to my dad being bell and back to feeling good again soon. if there is a lesson here i am sure it is that we should never take our health or the health of those we love for granted. xxk
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