thursday third step

hi friends. today is thursday. a rare occasion where i am writing in the morning. i've been struggling big time with some third step stuff. for those who are not in the 12 step know this means that i am having a lot of trouble turning my will over to a higher power. for a while i hated this step, didnt get it, but lately it has been making a good deal of sense to me. i have to do my best, work hard, and then i have to accept the life that the universe gives me. in other words i have to turn my will over to the care of something bigger then me. the extent to which i suffer seems to be directly linked to how often i take my will back and get pissed bc shit is not working out the way that i want it too.

a friend in the program recently offered the great wisdom--let go of the results. seems so simple but it really gets at the heart of the issue. acceptance. i struggle with this concept so much that the paragraph in the big book that is dedicated to this concept is actually underlined and highlighted-- and this is big bc i am not that into the big book anyway. i do think though that acceptance is the answer. of people, of events, of life. i need to flow and not push back so hard, not struggle for my way all of the time.

last night in my recently new nightly walk i was thinking about this. i spent about thirty minutes looking for headphones that dont even exist. i was determined to find a pair of headphones even when i couldnt recall actually owning another pair. i was that determined to distract myself on my walk. i finally gave up and accepted that i had to buy new ones and that for htis walk i'd have to be w/ just myself. ugh. not always great company.

i walked in the quiet and was struck again by how much i love vermont. i just love it. i look around and see this little town, my town that i love. i want to cry with having to leave and i find myself again trying to sort out how to accept a change that i know will bring good things when what i really feel like doing is digging my heels in and staying right here. over and over i take my will back and then suffer. when i accept that change happens, that life is unexpected, that sometimes we have to have faith and just go in the direction that life takes us--then i feel happy, ok, even good. when i push back--pain, misery, and sadness return. i realize that i better get my act together w/ this third step. i know how to do this. i just need to practice--often, all of the time. not let my lazy brain return to my own special brand of suffering bc it feels familiar.

letting go of old ways is hard though. i am trying to be gentle with myself too. which is also hard. i am big into making me feel bad. need to get over that too. i am only me, one person, trying to do better and to be better. lets hope for today i can accept my flawed self with the love and softness we all deserve for ourselves. xx