it is late. 12:15. tonite i am working on memorizing the poem that i am supposed to read at my sisters wedding--which is this weekend. i went to a meeting tonite where we talked about the eleventh step. having not really done the steps in a linear way and not completely taking them literally--i tend to sort of make them into abstractions--i confess to having not read the 11th step. surprise i actually sort of enjoyed this reading. a rarity since i usually end up using my english major ways to dissect readings but tonite it was--not as painful as usual. we read the prayer of st francie will i always can get behind as a pretty well written prayer. also, it doesnt get too specifically religous which is also helpful in allowing me to be able to swallow it or enjoy it or even read it.
after we read this i talked about how i obsess over things still (e.g. giving my toast) and how i am smart enough to know that things will ultimately be ok but i wish i didnt have to obsess. the reading was basically about meditation. i have to say that it struck a chord wiht me tonite. meditation. getting in touch with some sort of idea, god, mindspace where you feel connected and energized. who cares what the idea, god, mindspace, energy really is. i think it is besides the point. the point is that giving our minds some time to chill the f*ck out probably is a good idea. for all of us, not just people in recovery but everyone. tonite i feel grateful for the opportunity/excuse to spend an hour of my night many days of the week focused on my overall wellness. sometimes this means listening, usually it means talking, but always it means reminding myself that i need to be vigilant about my disease--while also in some real way inspiring me.
there are tons of people that i can connect with, to help me, for me to help them. i dont have to do this alone and tonite i dont feel alone. tonite i feel plugged in to humanity. not just the recovery community but a larger community of people. i am reminded of how much we all have in common. our desires for acceptance, love, health, happiness.
tonite i think about this young woman i keep running into--in my head. she is scared and insecure. she feels like a fake bc she cant do anything without a drink and even then she doesnt really know why she is doing anything. i am not afraid of her anymore because i know she only exists in my memory. the truth is that scared hungover young woman hasnt been around for a long time now. sometimes i guess i confuse some of my fears or insecurities with her return but when i get honest and real--i can see that i am not that woman anymore, that i am actually totally different. i am ok and i am going to stay that way. i have done the work. my foundation is solid and no one is taking that away from me. and that is a really good feeling to go to sleep on. xx
ReplyDeleteWell done, Karen !!! :)
K