new year, new goals, new start...?

hi all. another new year. 2011. is this the year that i finally figure out a way to make my life manageable? balanced? is this the year i feel together and confident. maybe, just maybe it is.

i have been meditating and despite some of my more cynical thoughts about it, i will say that it does indeed seem to help me. i have found meditating in a group to be highly helpful--i think mostly bc this keeps me from trying to meditate while trolling facebook (not a good idea but one i did actually try out). anyway, for a person who is perpetually thinking and then over thinking, the meditation thing is both necessary and then just downright painful.

i am way too far into my own head at the moment to just do free form meditation, so i have found that i need to listen to someone to medidate. i think this is called guided meditation. i need the structure. a theme that i could argue runs throughout my entire life at the moment, but i wont even go there tonite. what i have been doing is listening to meditations from the chopra center online. they are free and not long and they keep me focused and prevent me from trying to multitask during meditation. also, i really dig the chakras stuff because it gives me a framework to apply to my energy and my inbalances. also, because i am just a little flakey and this stuff appeals to me. i get that some people find it lame though and if thats you then i suggest googling gudided meditations and starting there.

so that is that. i am meditating. i am running. i am trying to apply some discipline to a life and personality that find self discipline somehow reprehensible. yes, i was that person who used to scoff at anyone who exercised, meditated, balanced their checkbook, had an organizer, bought stamps, went to bed early, got up on time etc. in other words if you were actually an adult then i took issue with you. i guess thats what adolescence do. even if they are nearly 30. so here i am at 37 learning how to be an adult for real. i know that many adults never really learn this and so i am not beating myself up or anything. i am just plodding along. trying to laugh at myself as i shed my adolescent habits at nearly 40. hope you're laughing too--at me, at yourself, at really how funny trying to recover and rebuild ourselves can be if you look at it right.

i'll leave you with my favorite AA slogan. easy does it. as my friend in bennington used to say--karen, it's the easy that does it. amen. xxk