trusting in the process?

Hi Friends. Today is Wednesday. Usually I work on Wednesdays but things at work have been strange and I find myself with a different schedule--interestingly this schedule seems to work a little better for me--so this is a good thing. Anyway, today I start out over sleeping because I was so excited to sleep in and not get up before 6am and then dropping my kids off late at preschool (not a new thing for me) and then feeling bad about myself already and the day just started. I realize a few things that I need to work on for real...organization and time management. Both of these are areas that really dont interest me at all but I can see that my lack of interest in them leads me to be lacking in skills in both. If I want to be on time then I need to make that a priority and work on it--after 38 years I should know that just expecting things to be different w/o work is not so realistic. Ok, that said I will now try to let that go and move on with my day. I am going to organize my closet after this post and I am hopeful that this will give me a little extra help in my morning dash.

The work situation that I wrote about last is still lingering in my mind. I guess it was sort of resolved but what I learned was that I am not working at the right place for me. I can see that it might be the right place for someone else but I need a place that is more flexible and that invests more in their employees. This experience showed me that there is a fundamental disconnect between what I believe and my vision and what some people around (and above) me believe and their vision. I think it is easy to fall into the trap of working solely with the goal of avoiding making mistakes. While this may be a safe way to work it is not a great way to work nor is it the way that I want to work. I want to think big and bold and make a difference. I dont want to focus solely on avoiding errors. No, no thank you. Mistakes are inevitable. It is what we do with them and learn from them that I want to count in my work not how cleverly we avoided an error or covered it up.

Enough on that.

So, I find myself in flux again. Trying to have faith and see what the Universe has in store for me. Am I supposed to be where I am and if so, what am I supposed to be learning? Am I supposed to be somewhere else and if so, where? and doing what? I hate to think about not working with teenagers but I also hate to think about continuing to work in an environment that is not healthy for me. I am torn. I feel sort of lost and floudering and (to be honest) my ego is not really loving the idea of taking another entry level job in a new field. I feel like I have "paid my dues" in both advertising and social work and the addictions field. I am feeling a little done with dues paying. I know this attitude is not helpful though and I am trying to work on it. I need humility and faith to get me out of myself, my fears, and my projections.

I am feeling better emotionally though and this helps me be able to see things more clearly. To not personalize other people's issues and to not make my work environment about me. It is not. I also need to try to avoid the trap of making what I do for a job define who I am as a person. I need to peel this stuff apart and look at why it is so easy for me to make my career define me. I have some theories about why I do this or why anyone would but I'll save that for another time. For today I am just going to focus on being able to find my black leggings in my closet when I need them and not beating myself up about my tardiness.

Thanks for listening--again.
xx
K