Hi All. I have been thinking about my last post since I wrote it. I almost deleted it actually because it is not only not good writing but I am not even sure it is good material. I wanted to write about it because it is bugging me, because the situation is under my skin and I think reflects my very real character defects more than it really reflects anything about anyone else at all.
The defects I see are as follows 1) self centeredness, 2) impulsivity, 3) not being able to feel grateful for what I have and instead focusing on what I dont have. The self centereded stuff is obvious. When you care about a person (or claim to) than it should not be hard to do what is right for them (right?). Impulsivity. I just want what I want and then I want it now. I want to email with my friend now. I want this and I dont want to think about what is best or be a good person or be a good friend. I just want things back the way they were before--before I had to take responsibility for not just myself but for other people too. I want it easy and (I guess) all about me. Lastly, the not being able to see what I have and instead focusing on what I dont. I could cry. So ridiculous is this particular defect. I should be happy and grateful that I am happy, healthy and doing well, that my family is, that my husband and kids are. I should not be wasting my time or energy on this. And yet I am. All I can think is that deep down I just am selfish. Selfish and immature.
In my defense, because this is my blog, I will say that my real sadness comes from my recent realization that not emailing with my friend is actually--really and truly--then end of our friendship. When you dont talk to a person on the phone, dont see them in person, then all that is left is email and when that is gone we are talking about a friendship where you dont communicate which really--is not a friendship at all.
I could go on and on about what I think about asking someone I love to end a friendship but I wont because it is 1) selfish and 2) stupid since it doesnt matter. In theory, I would never do this...probably because of my own pride and my own sort of maybe twisted view of trust and independence.
On some level, I do want to protect my friend, want to defend his choice, his relationship. I do think that you should not engage knowingly in behavior that hurts your partner. I do think we often need to prioritize our time and relationships and, I guess I need to admit, that the reality is not always as pretty as the theory. Sometimes we all feel scared, threatened, or unsure. Sometimes we all need reassurance and we need our partners to do what they can to help us. I'd like to think I am the kind of wife who respect my husband enough to end a friendship that made my husband uncomfortable, but I laugh writing this since I know that the odds of him feeling this way are slim to none. I dont know how I feel tonite as I write this. I guess I am back to just sad. The connection that I shared with my friend was real to me, not romantic, definitively platonic, but perhaps intimate--if that is the right word? I dont think that is the word I'd pick, maybe natural or just plain old someone I've known a pretty long time now so there is history, context--something I value and love in friends. Time. I miss that. I never really considered I'd lose it. Maybe that is my real regret. I was arrogant. I thought that I would always have a small piece of something, a small piece of a part of my life, a small piece of me as I used to be. I was wrong and that...that being wrong...it hurts. It hurst to lose a person unexpectedly. I am glad he is healthy and happy and he is not gone from the world but it is bittersweet that he is gone for me. XxK
This is the reality of today, but no one knows what the future holds. Pray for your friend. Pray for his fiance. Have empathy for her. With time, the intensity of your emotions will wane and you will feel at peace again. In the meantime, put your focus on connecting with other friends, old and new. There are so many people out there who would love to be your friend. Open your heart to them, and feel sorrow for your friend, who has just been put between a rock and a hard place. This is his loss, too.
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