Hi Friends,
It has been too long since I have written. Mostly things had been going fairly well as I have been progressing along in my Step Work and trying to do the right thing and use my Sponsor etc. Then last week another crisis hit--someone close to me called me that he was suicidal as in right then in that moment. I felt initially panicked but pretty quickly got myself to the next right thing place and called the police. The police were really wonderful and got my loved one to a hospital fairly quickly. He remains in the hospital even as I type and hopefully will continue to stay there until he is more stable. A strange thing has happened though...I find myself more stressed out this week then I was last as the adrenaline craziness of the actual even wears off. I am left with this, what is beginning to feel like perpetual, state of fear, guilt, and anxiety. It is overwhelming.
I keep trying to take a step back to see it big picture--that the person is ok, that I am ok, that everything happened as it should have but the what ifs and the what abouts are pervasive and hard to deal with. I keep wishing I was a different person (not a good sign or something I maybe have ever thought before...) I'll think to myself I wish I was someone else and that this was not happening to me.
As I write this I notice the "to me" as being somewhat problematic as I am not sure that anyone's mental health is happening to me. The painful thing is that that is how it feels. It feels that I have been once again victimized by someone else's mental health and that hurts. I feel sorry for myself and scared about how I will get thru this. I worry that this is the new normal and that I will never feel safe and ok again. Even as I type this I know that this is not true and that ultimately my wellness is not about anyone else but me. How I think, how I choose to explain to myself what this means, and if I am able to clearly see my own fear and then refuse to act from that place. Feeling it seems reasonable--acting from it we all know is bad, bad, and more bad. Also, I need some Higher Power or more Higher Power. I need to turn this over and over and over to something spiritual--to remind myself that I am not in charge. Oddly though during these scenarios I tend to grab the wheel tighter, focus more, and start trying harder to control not just my behavior but the outcomes too. I know that I cannot and should not do this but the desire to do it is ridiculously powerful.
I used to have a terrible dream, back before I quit drinking, that I was in a car and driving and then suddenly the car would just start floating off the road. I would not be able to steer or get the car back on the ground. I would wake up terrified as I floated into space. Last night I dreamed that I was flying my kids around (yes, I was flying holding them not in a car but just my body). As I was floating off into space I realized that if I breathed deeply that I started to go back to earth. I was suddenly enjoying flying--I had figured something out and thought it was fun. I dont know much about dream analysis but I think that perhaps this is a good sign that I went from scared to using deep breathing to relax and bring myself back to earth.
I pray for myself, for my Dad, and for the rest of us who care deeply about people who struggle with mental illness or any illness really. I said to a wise lady a few days ago that I thought that maybe my Dad didnt realize how much he is loved and needed--this wise lady said to me--do any of us really understand how much we are loved and needed? It made me smile. Hope it makes you smile too. xxxx
It has been too long since I have written. Mostly things had been going fairly well as I have been progressing along in my Step Work and trying to do the right thing and use my Sponsor etc. Then last week another crisis hit--someone close to me called me that he was suicidal as in right then in that moment. I felt initially panicked but pretty quickly got myself to the next right thing place and called the police. The police were really wonderful and got my loved one to a hospital fairly quickly. He remains in the hospital even as I type and hopefully will continue to stay there until he is more stable. A strange thing has happened though...I find myself more stressed out this week then I was last as the adrenaline craziness of the actual even wears off. I am left with this, what is beginning to feel like perpetual, state of fear, guilt, and anxiety. It is overwhelming.
I keep trying to take a step back to see it big picture--that the person is ok, that I am ok, that everything happened as it should have but the what ifs and the what abouts are pervasive and hard to deal with. I keep wishing I was a different person (not a good sign or something I maybe have ever thought before...) I'll think to myself I wish I was someone else and that this was not happening to me.
As I write this I notice the "to me" as being somewhat problematic as I am not sure that anyone's mental health is happening to me. The painful thing is that that is how it feels. It feels that I have been once again victimized by someone else's mental health and that hurts. I feel sorry for myself and scared about how I will get thru this. I worry that this is the new normal and that I will never feel safe and ok again. Even as I type this I know that this is not true and that ultimately my wellness is not about anyone else but me. How I think, how I choose to explain to myself what this means, and if I am able to clearly see my own fear and then refuse to act from that place. Feeling it seems reasonable--acting from it we all know is bad, bad, and more bad. Also, I need some Higher Power or more Higher Power. I need to turn this over and over and over to something spiritual--to remind myself that I am not in charge. Oddly though during these scenarios I tend to grab the wheel tighter, focus more, and start trying harder to control not just my behavior but the outcomes too. I know that I cannot and should not do this but the desire to do it is ridiculously powerful.
I used to have a terrible dream, back before I quit drinking, that I was in a car and driving and then suddenly the car would just start floating off the road. I would not be able to steer or get the car back on the ground. I would wake up terrified as I floated into space. Last night I dreamed that I was flying my kids around (yes, I was flying holding them not in a car but just my body). As I was floating off into space I realized that if I breathed deeply that I started to go back to earth. I was suddenly enjoying flying--I had figured something out and thought it was fun. I dont know much about dream analysis but I think that perhaps this is a good sign that I went from scared to using deep breathing to relax and bring myself back to earth.
I pray for myself, for my Dad, and for the rest of us who care deeply about people who struggle with mental illness or any illness really. I said to a wise lady a few days ago that I thought that maybe my Dad didnt realize how much he is loved and needed--this wise lady said to me--do any of us really understand how much we are loved and needed? It made me smile. Hope it makes you smile too. xxxx
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