Hi Friends,
Today is...Sunday and I just finished putting up the Christmas Tree. It was...fun? Though I confess to not really knowing what that even means. My new version of fun I guess is not my old version of fun. My new version of fun is I am not crying, I am not totally numb, l am not totally sad, I am not actively fighting tears. I am almost in the moment. I am almost connected. Or I at least want to be. I have the desire to be connected. I vaguely have the desire to be present. I want to be doing better. I am still so irritable, so sad, so...almost, but not quite, decimated.
How I feel today is that the phrase One Day at a Time might be the most wise and brillant phrase of all time. This morning I woke up for a little while and seemed to have forgotten what happened. I was lying there sort of waking up and then I remembered--and it was just a strange thing to remember your own pain. It is sort of better when I am thinking of it right when I wake up. I am not sure why this is but I will say that the phrase that get me out of bed is One Day at a Time. Each morning since my new normal my feet have hit the floor and I have thought--I can do this, just for today, I can and will.
Anyway, tonite my son said to me that it was not fair that adults get to do whatever they want. This simple phrase almost caused a full blown breakdown except that since he was referring to my not allowing him more Hannukah gelt it was sort of funny. But his little face, pouting, looking mad, throwing himself on the sofa--saying its not fair that adults get to do whatever they want really knocked the wind out of me. I said, Sam, I really know just how you feel. And that's the thing with losing a parent that I realized tonite--it makes you feel like a little kid. And that is how I feel. Like a small child who wants to throw an adult sized temper tantrum because it really is not at all fair that adults get to do whatever they want. This is true even more when the adults getting to do whatever they want are your parents, and really even more true when what they are doing is jumping off of a bridge on Thanksgiving Day while you sit unknowingly somewhere eating Turkey.
So there it is for me and my day. Did I get up and go buy a Christmas tree today? Yes, I did. Did I get ready for and attend my mother in laws super nice and sweet Latke Party, Yes. Did I sit and eat and act normal and make small talk. Yes and yes. I learned I can do all of these things. I can play normal. I can pretend with the best of them. Inside am I still screaming in the backyard at the starts? I am screaming No, No, No but on the outside I am and will continue to be yes. Why? Because Yes is where it is at for me. Yes, this did happen. Yes, I do have to accept it. Yes, I do have to still be a parent to my own children. Yes, I still have to be a wife. Yes, I still (thankfully) have to be a daughter and sister too. Yes, Yes, Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Am I doing it anyway? Yes.
Thanks for listening friends and hope someday this makes more sense or any sense. xxK
Today is...Sunday and I just finished putting up the Christmas Tree. It was...fun? Though I confess to not really knowing what that even means. My new version of fun I guess is not my old version of fun. My new version of fun is I am not crying, I am not totally numb, l am not totally sad, I am not actively fighting tears. I am almost in the moment. I am almost connected. Or I at least want to be. I have the desire to be connected. I vaguely have the desire to be present. I want to be doing better. I am still so irritable, so sad, so...almost, but not quite, decimated.
How I feel today is that the phrase One Day at a Time might be the most wise and brillant phrase of all time. This morning I woke up for a little while and seemed to have forgotten what happened. I was lying there sort of waking up and then I remembered--and it was just a strange thing to remember your own pain. It is sort of better when I am thinking of it right when I wake up. I am not sure why this is but I will say that the phrase that get me out of bed is One Day at a Time. Each morning since my new normal my feet have hit the floor and I have thought--I can do this, just for today, I can and will.
Anyway, tonite my son said to me that it was not fair that adults get to do whatever they want. This simple phrase almost caused a full blown breakdown except that since he was referring to my not allowing him more Hannukah gelt it was sort of funny. But his little face, pouting, looking mad, throwing himself on the sofa--saying its not fair that adults get to do whatever they want really knocked the wind out of me. I said, Sam, I really know just how you feel. And that's the thing with losing a parent that I realized tonite--it makes you feel like a little kid. And that is how I feel. Like a small child who wants to throw an adult sized temper tantrum because it really is not at all fair that adults get to do whatever they want. This is true even more when the adults getting to do whatever they want are your parents, and really even more true when what they are doing is jumping off of a bridge on Thanksgiving Day while you sit unknowingly somewhere eating Turkey.
So there it is for me and my day. Did I get up and go buy a Christmas tree today? Yes, I did. Did I get ready for and attend my mother in laws super nice and sweet Latke Party, Yes. Did I sit and eat and act normal and make small talk. Yes and yes. I learned I can do all of these things. I can play normal. I can pretend with the best of them. Inside am I still screaming in the backyard at the starts? I am screaming No, No, No but on the outside I am and will continue to be yes. Why? Because Yes is where it is at for me. Yes, this did happen. Yes, I do have to accept it. Yes, I do have to still be a parent to my own children. Yes, I still have to be a wife. Yes, I still (thankfully) have to be a daughter and sister too. Yes, Yes, Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Am I doing it anyway? Yes.
Thanks for listening friends and hope someday this makes more sense or any sense. xxK
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