that pretty much sums it up. without getting into detail about the unpleasant end of my day i will say it is work related. if the lesson i am somehow supposed to learn is that there needs to be a solid (not dotted or dashed) line between work and home then the universe has conspired to help me get this one right. i am once again faced w/ a work situation that i find devestating and a brain that, despite various interventions, will not shut down for the night. writing seems the only way to tame this crazy lion brain that roars and paces-- so i will try it again.
anyway, faced with this crazy situation i come head to head with some of the most challenging lessons of my life so far, some lessons of recovery, but mostly just lessons of growing up. i have no control over how anything turns out. none. zero. nothing. i do my best or try and then i have to let other people do their best or try. i have to live and let live. note to self: this is not live and force others to live how i want them to. really when i write about this it does become somewhat laughable. since when did i become an authority on how anyone else should live. i know my story. i know other stories like mine. i dont know anyone who changed their life for the better because everything was going just great. i dont know anyone who changed their life for the better the first time shit hit the fan. as they say, pain is the touchstone for growth. that said, why would i want to deny anyone the right to feel that pain, to learn the lessons, to grow, to change, or to not grow, to not change, to hurt until the need to change outweighs the desire to keep things the same. take the hurt away and in many ways, at least to me, you just prolong the learning of the lesson.
there is no one that doesnt deserve the right to learn their own lessons. not my children, not my parents, not my coworkers or friends and certainly not the families with whom i work. my desire to control. to feel safe. to feel important or smart or needed. i see that. my ego disguised as my friend.
i am just one person. i am just one person in a giant universe full of other just one persons. i realize on nights like tonite that sometimes shit does not make sense. kids get hurt. parents get hurt. sometimes there is no right answer, no right thing to do or say and it hurts. it hurts to just be there--witnessing pain--i cant help it, i think of walking away so i dont have to see anymore. i think of us all walking away to look at nice, pretty, and easy things. i think of all of the people and children who need honest and real adults to be present with them. i think of how we all wish we were somewhere else in some of these times. i want to give us all a hug. all of us wishing we were somewhere else and yet somehow staying right there anyway. xx
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