i'm back on the writing train. it is sunday afternoon and i am writing before i attempt to make dinner early. today i took my kids to the park early in the morning. it was way colder then i expected and windy. they had hats but no mittens and i felt like a bad mommy despite my daughters constant reassurance that she was ok. when another dad came with very well bundled kids i felt worse. bad bad mommy. trying to juggle two small kids can be maddening but outside it is actually easier--even when the weather is not totally cooperative it is better to be out there. more space. more room to breathe for all of us.
had a tough night last night. without getting into details i felt really sorry for myself. i felt sad. i cried for the first time in a long time. i watched a lame, sappy movie and loved it. i wished richard gere would come and save me from myself and my responsibilities and my confusion. i wished for a referee to come and tell me how right i was. how justified my anger and sadness were. i couldnt sleep.
this morning my daughter says to me--why dont you wipe the sad off your face and gives me a tissue. i wasnt crying so i was confused, but then i realized i felt sad and probably looked like i felt sad. i decided to try to wipe the sad off. hence the early park trip. it did work a little. i felt less sad. i felt ok. i was happy we went and had fun. i am ok now.
someone commented on one of my earlier posts that obsessive thought disorder (something i was diagnosed with when drinking) is fundamentally about not being in the moment. it is about being somewhere else besides present. this makes sense to me. maybe this is why i am so drawn to buddhism. i know in the back of my mind that i need to work on being in the here and now and not in the was or the could be. this is really smart bc the right now is not overwhelming, is not scary, is not sad. why i want to be somewhere else so often is really beside the point. i just need to start bringing it right back to now. one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. xx
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