a few other things

hi all. after i wrote my last post i immediately wanted to revise it or erase it. i try not to do that, mostly bc i just try to be honest in the moment and not go back and figure out if i like how my honesty sounds or makes me look etc. one thing i wanted to be clear on though is that the real number one important thing is making sure that we like ourselves. not if someone likes us or we like someone else. i post about this so much that it is like the given in a geometry proof but i wanted to be super clear on that. so, number one is liking myself, then who i like, and then hopefully the rest will work itself out...

also, i have been briefly revisited by some ghosts of my past. feelings of inadequacy and feelings of...loss. all i can think is that somewhere along the line mt idea of romantic love formed and was defined as something very chaotic and extreme (in both highs and lows). so i tend to look back on these hell ride relationships sometimes sort of fondly. why i would do this makes no sense bc i can recall very clearly being totally unhappy or, a better word, discontent during these times. now, sitting here more or less content it is very uncomfortable. being comfortable is just about the most uncomfortable thing i can soemtimes think of. so when i begin to feel comfortable my brain seems to start craving drama, chaos, intensity so much that it will actually start looking backwards to find it. then when i do uncover a sufficiently painful or uncomfortable memory i sort of dive into it--head first.

last night i couldnt sleep and just thought--no! i am not going there this is my brain playing tricks on me. it goes something like if my alcholism cant get me to drink anymore bc i want to then maybe it will try making me feel the way i used to feel and see how that goes. i decided last night that i just wont have it. my brain is going to have to start making new pathways or something. finally and definitively i am done feeling sorry for myself, done lamenting, done thinking about things that dont make me happy and just make me feel like the person i havent actually been in years.

growing up sure is hard work. thanks for helping me. xxk