hi all. confessions abound. last night i got bad news about my dad's health and learned he is going to need another surgery. i feel grateful that this was caught early but once again back in "triage" mode as a friend called it. i immediately felt myself writing down phone numbers, making plans etc. if you ask me how i actually felt i confess it would be impossible for me to know. my feelings were and are so stuffed down, covered up, and ignored in these moments that they remain a mystery until well after any crisis is well over. i'd like to also say that this is all a choice and that i do this in order to get things done and be repsonsible but alas that is not at all the truth.
my truth is that i have become expert at ignoring my feelings at these times and in so doing often dont even know what they actually are. i could think about how i probably feel--scared, worried, anxious etc but i dont think i could actually feel those things at all. i know that feeling feelings is important and yet at times like this feel totally incapable of getting there and, to be honest, i am not even sure i want to.
maybe we all need our defence mechanisms for exactly the reason that we develop them--to protect ourselves. maybe for me it is easier to feel after the fact and not during. as long as i feel at some point maybe that is just fine. i promise this time to try to take better care of myself while going thru this process bc i learned thru the last surgery and then move that not taking care of me is really a recipe for disaster for everyone. here's to applying my lessons to this next situation and to my dad being bell and back to feeling good again soon. if there is a lesson here i am sure it is that we should never take our health or the health of those we love for granted. xxk
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