signs of the times

hi all. just back from work at it is nearly 1 am. of course i needed to check in with you all and say hello. i have been thinking a lot lately and i guess not writing as much. my thinking has lead me to start seeing signs again everywhere. i find road signs lately to be particularly insightful and continue to see construction and men waving orange signs as a metaphor for life in general and recovery specifically.

i've noticed that my blog has veered into the general worry zone and does not focus on recovery as much as it once did. i think this is bc my life has veered into the general worry zone...something noteworthy did recently happen to me though. i sat at a meeting listening to a woman share about how open her heart was and how glad she was that she was able to take in all of the love and happiness around her. at the time that she said this i had entered the meeting in a pretty toxic state. tired. sad. dejected. and feeling maybe even a little hopeless. the voices in my head telling me that i would never have friends or coworkers like i used to were winning and i was starting to believe my own spin till this woman spoke.

suddenly it all became so clear. an open heart? able to take in all of the love around her? and there it was. the problem layed out right before me--since moving to ny i had little by little began to close not open. i suddenly realized that this closing was very important to recognize. the closing was what was making me feel like i was separate, alone, disconnected. the minute that i opened my mouth and told on myself i realized that things were changing. i got it. the work is to have an open heart when you are scared and want to close. to have faith when your fear feels the most real and overwhelming.

that night i began to visualize my heart opening. i began to consider, really deeply consider, the love and gifts that quite literally surround me. as i thought deeply about my open heart, i began to feel those gifts. that was last week and i will say that i still feel them now. i still feel surrounded by love and slowly able to let it in. i realized something--that my beautiful, complicated, funny, intense, and full of love life is here for the taking. the love i want is right here for me. always. i dont have to seek and find. i just need to allow it in and i am transformed.

call it a spiritual connection. an awakening. or just the right meeting at the right time...i dont know. i dont really need to know. way back in college, my senior year, i began having really intense anxiety--i attribute this to fear of the future and lots of drinking. i would lay awake at night and not be able to sleep, not be able to quiet my mind. back then i realized that if i thought about how much my then boyfriend loved me and if that was all i thought about--imagined him there or just around me then i would calm down and fall asleep. at that time i felt so smart to have figured this out.

years later. many boyfriends since and now married i see that depending on love from someone else, from an outside source is...not ideal for lack of a better phrase. i think of how i felt when that love was gone. i think of the anger, shame, resentment that took its place. i realize now--after maybe 16 years that there is a source of love that is always available to me, that can hold me and help me feel calm and that love does not have to come from someone else. i can love myself. i can feel spiritually connected to a source of goodness and love that will never be taken from me and, perhaps more accurately, that i will never have to worry about messing up. here's to us all finding the unconditional love that is right there waiting for all of us...here's to us finally believing that we deserve it. xx