another night that i find myself home and the only person awake in this house--a blessing and a curse. i hate to say i have been struggling because it really seems like struggling is all i do and write about. determined to be honest though i will continue to try to make sense of this. it has been suggested to me in the past, and more recently, that i have some codependence issues. ok, i sort of know this. i dont know it the way that i knew i was an alcoholic but i suspect it and am open to the truth that deep down this particular brand of truth may be the most painful of them yet. as i said to a friend the other day--this stuff--it almost hurts more because it feels like my identity and personality is sort of at stake. (yes, i felt this way initially about drinking too.) clinging to self destructive behavior this tight is just not a good sign...
so here i go. attempting to deal with the obsessive thinking, over thinking, analyzing, blaming, endless worrying, and basic insanity that comes with thinking too much about others and not enough about myself. i'll say it--it is overwhelming. for all of my life now, part of my personality has been to get deeply invested in romantic relationships very quickly and then to--obsess over said person until said person has made me so sick, so tired, so disappointed that i feel that i have no choice but to leave them. not before i've analyzed, criticized, and distorted said person and said relationship into a big blur of pain and confusion.
i am not sure from the outside that it looks this crazy, it might, but it also may just look like i moved on. i will state here to you all that i think it is possible that i never really moved on from anyone. of course i guess physically i did but emotionally--i dont know--i feel tethered to people still that i dont even know anymore or not really. for a very long time i thought this made me superior to other people who drew harder lines about this sort of thing but lately--i wonder where the boundary actually is and if it is even there at all.
enter current situation. marriage. hard for everyone--right? but for someone like me. fuck. the only way for me to really describe it is that it most closely resembles how i felt in 10th grade math when the teacher said--can you explain to me where you stopped understanding and i wanted to say somewhere around 8th grade. i was so lost i didnt know where or when i got lost. this is a pretty good way to describe how i feel about marriage. sometimes i feel on track, good, on top of it--healthy and happy. other days i feel as though i am not sure i even know how to get back to where i used to get it. or maybe i never did. you see the problem...
i dont trust myself. i dont trust my own interpretation of events, of discussions, or of tones of voice, facial expressions, body language. to me, most signs usually point to there is a problem. i dont mean to say that there is usually a problem though--i mean to say that i see problems where other people might see--i dont know, a bad day? i loathe this about myself. no melodrama. i really hate this abotu myself. a particularly astute and verbally inclined old boyfriend once said--you cant make me your hobby. of course i showed him that i indeed could and would. this, by the way, is not recommended to try at home.
so most jokes aside--here i am. i feel hurt, again. i feel sad, again. and this time maybe for htis first time i question how valid the thoughts that lead to those feelings really are? yes, how i feel is true but is my thinking that got me there to be trusted? i am starting to think that perhaps it is not. no answers here, just questions.
i know this--i feel better after writing this. i know for sure that i am not, nor have i ever been, broken beyond repair or recovery. i am just another person trying to make sense of this crazy world and my place in it. sometimes this feels good and sometimes it hurts. sometimes growth really hurts and a small part of me wants to curl up and hide and cry and feel sorry for myself. i wont do this though. i will force myself to have another look at this no matter how much i want to close my eyes and point my finger. for tonite--the only person who i need to worry about saving--is me. xxk
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