11.16.18
Where I am.
It feels like nowhere here.
Nowhere I've been before. Nowhere I want to go. Nowhere I understand how to get anywhere from. New. Blank. Scary. Mean. Sad. Small. Ugly.
Paper cuts all over me. Inside of me. Outside of me. I don't know where they came from. I want Band-Aids. I want healing. Everything feels too small to see or touch, but still somehow there. This pain is not how I want it. I want the pain big. A giant gash or cut that bleeds everywhere. Instead it's dull, aching. I'm scared it's chronic. I'm scared it's forever.
I want to be told what to do.
I want to be told what to do.
I want to be told what to do.
I am not told. I am asking. I am staring at white sky. I am looking for signs. I am looking for meaning. Symbols. I am pleading with no one. I am mad at everyone.
Somewhere from here there is healing. I am pinned down on black velvet. Awaiting directions. Awaiting coordinates.
I will wait.
I will wait.
I will wait.
Where I am.
It feels like nowhere here.
Nowhere I've been before. Nowhere I want to go. Nowhere I understand how to get anywhere from. New. Blank. Scary. Mean. Sad. Small. Ugly.
Paper cuts all over me. Inside of me. Outside of me. I don't know where they came from. I want Band-Aids. I want healing. Everything feels too small to see or touch, but still somehow there. This pain is not how I want it. I want the pain big. A giant gash or cut that bleeds everywhere. Instead it's dull, aching. I'm scared it's chronic. I'm scared it's forever.
I want to be told what to do.
I want to be told what to do.
I want to be told what to do.
I am not told. I am asking. I am staring at white sky. I am looking for signs. I am looking for meaning. Symbols. I am pleading with no one. I am mad at everyone.
Somewhere from here there is healing. I am pinned down on black velvet. Awaiting directions. Awaiting coordinates.
I will wait.
I will wait.
I will wait.
Karen--I love what you say about shedding, sloughing.....one of the guiding themes in my life, since junior year in high school when my zany, brilliant, wizard-like English teacher/headmaster has us read King Lear, has been that of taking off what suffocates. Lear says, late in t he play, when he realizes he has concerned himself with superficial things, with the surfaces and not with the heart of the matter, "Off, Off you lendings! Come, unbutton here!" literally referring to his clothing ("lendings") but actually referring to the shell, the mask he wore as king, which suffocated him. Thank you for reminding me of this. You are incredible, as ever. Glad to hear your writing voice again.
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