grace, dignity, and my ego

hi all,

today was a tough day at work for me. i made a mistake on friday--not a huge mistake but a mistake none the less and then i added to my own trouble but not admitting it straight away. the reason i didnt admit it right away is that i thought i was right. i was digging my heels in about being right when i was actually wrong. it sucks being wrong but being wrong when you really think you are right is the worst of all. i spent all weekend sort of mulling it over. i was initially angry. then more angry. then quitting. then just never going back. then writing a mean letter. then...then...i just stopped. i stopped thinking about it. i put it on hold. i let it sink in.

i went to work on monday. i tried to just be open. think clearly. stay strong but take ownership and be dignified. i tried not to act defensive or like a mad child. and it actually worked. i admitted my mistake. i apologized. i reflected on why i thought i hesitated to admit my mistake (my big fat ego who just loves to be right) and then i said i was sorry and that i would try to not let that mistake happen again. the result was not ground breaking but i did feel better and the situation seemed to improve. i felt that i had for once in my life accepted responsibility but not gone overboard. i mean i took ownership of my part but not anyone else's. also, i didnt feel scared or intimidated or bad. i felt like a strong and centered woman. not a girl but a woman.

i know that may sound silly considering i am 37 years old but the truth is that i dont always find it easy to actually use or own my power. i give it away all over the place when i am not paying attention. today, i paid attention. i kept my power. i was not afraid of it. i was not afraid at all. i learned a lesson tonite about mistakes and dignity and being an adult. it felt good to be an adult doing the right thing in front of kids who dont often see adults doing that or even trying to. this feeling of being proud of myself has been arriving more frequently lately as i work harder to be strong and real.

i am working on my body and my mind. i am eating right or trying to. i am exercising some--doing yoga mostly and trying to be aware of my body and breathing. i feel like finally i am learning how to be the person that i always wanted to be. i hope you are learning to be who you want to be too. i hope you are learning and not giving up and making mistakes and starting again. i hope we can all do this together. maybe just maybe we'll end up proud of ourselves...xx

the real k

anyway, so today i had coffee with an old friend. i missed her so much it made me want to cry seeing her. it was so much fun to just talk. it made me think about healthy relationships and how easy it is to know when things are right because they feel right. you leave a good friend and feel happy. you go to yoga and leave feeling strong, clear, good. good and healthy things actually make me feel good and...yes, healthy. it is unfamiliar territory for me sometimes but it is starting to be easier for me to connect the dots, do the math. doing the right thing and being with people who also do the right thing feels so fucking good.

i used to not think that. i used to only relate to people not doing the right thing. secrets. drama. mystery. etc. give me someone cheating on their boyfriend, husband, someone hating their job, someone hating their life and i immmediately and instantly liked this person. truth be told i am not sure i liked them or just liked how i felt around them. i.e. normal. their insanity mirrored my own and it felt comfortable to be around--it felt exhilirating--the way that roller coaster rides do--only maybe better. when i was drinking i craved this adrenaline fueled relationship, friendship, life. it felt just so right to feel wrong. i didnt get it at all. i thought i had it all figured out.

it took a long time for me to get this. but i am going to tell you here. it is not more fun to use drugs and drink then it is to be sober. you dont feel happier or better using then you do sober. i guess you might think you are having more fun, and maybe there were times on martini 3 that i thought i was happy but here is the trick--i was not actually happy. when i woke up the next day--happiness was nowhere to be found. you dont find happiness when you cant remember where you were, what you said, or who you talked to. you cant find it bc it is not there.

so, if any of you who are reading this are drinking. are thinking of stopping. or are thinking of starting. take it from me that happiness really is the byproduct of right action. i heard it in AA 7 years ago. wrote it on yellow post its and posted that shit all over my apt. i had that phrase everywhere--and still today i return to it. i am doing the right thing and...yes, i am sort of, well, happy. i hope you are too. xxk

You heard it first here

Today is Tuesday. I managed to write yesterday despite feeling so boxed up and tight and closed that it took effort and some luck to get a single word out. Today is the opposite. Today I feel more open. More ready to face things. I looked outside this morning at the Hydrangeas. They dared me to be sad, to feel sorry for myself, to feel inadequate--while still taking them in. Of course they won. Sitting there looking at the plump angels play with the big insane blueness behind them--all of them blooming for me. All of my gifts in front of me. The Universe seemed to be saying--Is it really that bad? Is life really hard or really easy? Only I get to decide. Today I choose easy. Today I choose faith in the dirt, in the rain, in the babies with their sticky hot bodies, and in the people, my people--wandering around here, like me, and like him, confused, trying, being ok, just for another day, hanging on as the earth spins around. xx

Box of Darkness and Other Gifts

Hi All. Yes, it has been a long time. Summer is here and life is busy. Things are going ok. I have been working more and going to meetings and being in the sun and playing w/ the kids and basically enjoying the ease that warm weather and sunshine brings to the Catskills. Last night I got some scary news about a family member. It got me twisted up good. All of my fears resurfaced. Many bigger and scarier then before. So I am writing about them I guess. My fears. My fear of losing people that I love. One person. My fear of not being in control. I'm not. My fear of making mistakes. I do. My fear of not being able to protect my children from my mistakes, from pain, from life. I can't.
I sit here. Typing. Afraid. Alone. Not alone. Connected. Then disconnected. Moment to moment. Changing. Thoughts racing by like clouds. One then the other moving so fast and then seeming to not move at all. I vascillate between feeling empowered and totally powerless. I dont understand what I am supposed to do or how. I wait for answers. I act anyway. I try. I hold my baby boy. I feel his plump arms and legs. His solid body and smell is sweaty hair. I feel connected and alive and ok. I feel like crying. I cant cry. I just hold him. I hold him and wonder what will happen next.

writing again

hi all, now that i am done school i am finding the energy and time to write again. usually i am writing after i work. just to fill you in, i work at a residential rehab for teens and usually i work at night. anyway, tonite was a good night. nothing bad happened and a few good things happened. i got thinking on my way home (which was beautiful bc of full moon) about maybe trying to make it work there. so instead of looking for a new place to work that maybe i would want to try to make it work at this place. i started my usual dreaming up redecorating, remodeling, restaffing, retraining etc. i started thinking that maybe i should actually talk to someone there about my thoughts. i mean worst case scenario they dont like them. it is funny how so much of what i think and dream--i just discard by the wayside assuming it is impossible when maybe it is not.

i got thinking also about how helping kids with substance abuse problems is so healing. i wondered what it would be like to have adults new in recovery workign with kids? or recovering with them. i know it would be messy but i wonder if it might not also be inspiring and help people feel hopeful--a feeling that is so important for all recovery--right? hope. such a simple word but one that is not always easy to ignite in people, particularly in people who feel physically awful, and may or may not have ruined some or all of their closest relationships.

i read that Dr Bob said that the foundation of AA was love and service. sometimes it seems we've strayed so far from that kind of simplicity. if we could just focus on love and service--maybe just maybe we really all will be ok. another night i end writing and not drinking. happy and not sad. more ok then not ok. miracles do happen. xxK

...

Hi all. Just home from work which was ok. Spent time talking to kids at work about how being fake and getting along with people you dont like are different things. Spent next 1.5h wondering if this is actually true. Spent entire ride home rethinking my career choices, my life, and what it means to be "in recovery." Had same feeling that I usaully do that it is complicated and that we cant spend every minute of our days happy and content but I admit to wondering if my endless self-analysis isnt part of the problem. Had conversation today where I had to admit that sometimes my continual obsession w/ myself, my thoughts, my recovery, my life, my philosophy, my lack of philosophy, my non-religion, my spirituality or not, my stance on psychotropic meds, my new meds, my old meds, the difference in meds, the possibility i dont need meds, my family history, my family story, my family in general etc is the problem. Then realize that over simplifying my life to one "problem" is part of the ongoing problem.

Then I re-read the above and cant believe that this is a recovery blog and I continually sound unstable and just downright weird. I realize my last post was a letter to my therapist which I cant send to him but somehow can publish to the universe no problem. I dotn want to mislead anyone into thinking that everyone in recovery has this many contridictory thoughts. Many dont. I dont want anyone to think that if you get sober you have analyze yourself constantly. You dont. Many people seem happy or happier in fact that dont do this so much. So the dislcaimer is that I have always been like this. I have more clarity sober so I think the results are better but generally this is me.

I hope I dont freak you out if you are reading and not sure about recovery. My life is amazing, precious, mundane, fucked up, and then perfect all at once and most of the time. I keep thinking that I'll find the right book, pill, spiritual guru, tea, friend, job that will somehow end the searching but I have moments (like tonite) where I realize that deep down I have to admit to knowing that there is no one solution to life. That life is both simple and complex--that recovery is the same, relatioships the same, parenting is the same. The trick for me is to know this and hold it all at once---the simple with the complex, the good with the bad, the contedness with the ambition. To just hold onto it all and feel it and see it and not be afraid. Heres to another sober night. Thanks for sharing it with me. xxK

Dear Tom

On the off chance that you--(my old counselor from VT who guided me thru 5 yrs of sobriety) ever reads this blog--this letter is for you...

Dear Tom,

I just wanted to say thank you for helping me learn how to be a healthy person. I wanted to thank you for never cancelling our appointments, for never laughing at me, or making me feel bad about things I have done or wanted to do. I want to thank you for helping me evaluate my thinking. I want to thank you for not telling me what to do and for making me feel strong and smart and independent. Mostly though I just want to thank you for reminding me each and every session that I was ok and that I was getting stronger. I still think of you often and hear your voice telling me positive things about myself. Sometimes it makes me laugh out loud bc it feels like a Woody Allen movie with my therapist actually living in my head. For the record, I have thought many times about calling you or writing but somehow that feels invasive or wrong or just too hard.
Tonite I finished the education portion of being a certified substance abouse counselor in NY state. I hope someday I can help other people like you helped me.

All the best to you,
Karen