same old same old

i just dont even know what to write today. same feelings as i just blogged about last blog continue to haunt me. it is getting old. even for someone who is used to obsessing. i feel scared and hungry. scared of the unknown and hungry for soemthing more. and i dont mean a granite coutnertop or new appliances either. for something that means more, that is more, maybe beneath the desire for a new kitchen is really the desire for a new life, a new me. certainly i know that rarely do material things change our baseline feelings. yes, those frye boots made my day or even week but eventually they become just a pair of cool boots i own and i am just the same me wearing them--just in better shoes. presumably i'd be the same me cooking in a nicer kitchen with my new appliances. and yet i hunger, obsess, desire these things and maybe convince myself that by possessing them i will somehow be altered. i guess my thinking is that i'll go from average to fabulous bc my house looks fabulous or my hair does--it doesnt matter, i think you get the picture. i want what you have, what he has, what she has and i want to also keep what i have too. selfish. ungrateful. just downright miserable state of mind. i could blame the terrible sunless month of february but i wont. enlightened me knows that the problem rests squarely in my own head. if i only i could find my way back out i am sure i could be the kind, compassionate person that i tell myelf i usually am. more coffee isnt even helping. i would say i need to dig deep but i wonder if i actually need to just start to fake it. always confused when i am supposed to fake it until i make it and when i am supposed to accept my true self. maybe this is one of those do both times. no clue really. looking for some divine intervention....still looking...ready anytime...xx