Well, here I am again, it is snowing out and I am reflecting on yet another night that I spent partially working when home and thinking mostly of work despite being squarely at home. How this affects me: guilt. I am reminded of that Harry Chapin song about the Cat and The Crade and the Silver Spoon. With only a finite amount of time that my children will spend in their childhood how in the world can I waste one single second of my little time spent with my children during the week to be thinking not about them? Here it is. Quite possibly the heart of my blog is buried in this truth: being a parent is hard work and somtimes I want to cop out and be something else instead. Something I can do better. Something I get paid to do. Something that people tell me I am good at and gets noticed. It is sickening to write it and sort of sickening to read it but like every truth, it needs to be told, held, accepted and only then can I begin to even think about changing. Dont get me wrong, I have moments of being present, times when I do and say exactly what I want to my children, moments where I pull patience out of nowhere. It is not all bad at all but what is bad, what I notice as bad, is how easy it is to take care of my children (feed, bathe, pajamas, book, bed) and how hard it is to actually be there, present with them, after being there and present with many people all day. Something has got to give right. But that something should not be my attention to my kids. Not in a perfect world. So what is good enough? Where does the knowing stop and the changing begin. Perhaps the knowing is the seed.
Whatever it is, I know it and I am going to need to find a way to change and change quick. Maybe I can tolerate my brain on work over drive but my kids should not have to. Is it possible that what children require of us...being present, open, and available is the very thing that recovery requires of us as well? When I stumble in these areas, I stumble hard because I am not just not working my best program but because when I am not working my best program, my kids get a mother who is not at her best. I wont get melodramatic and say my kids suffer but I will say that they dont get what they deserve which is me at my best.
A long time ago, before I quit drinking...I read this amazing book called "Being Peace." It still is in my top favorite books of all time. One of the chapters talks about how you have your children with you, even before you are pregnant or they are born. That you need to take care of yourself for them way before you even think about having them. This idea was fundamental in moving me towards recovery and change way sooner then I might have had I not read this and had I not believed it. Parenting and being in recovery is funny because working a good program almost completely will force you into being a good parent. Self awareness, honesty, vigilance, taking responsibility, connecting with others, love. Here's to all of us getting a little closer to our best selves...xx
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