mothers day moment

hi all. tonite is mother's day night. i can say that this was not an ideal day--teething toddler, napless older toddler equals some high degrees of angst but as i sit here tonite and they are asleep--i think of the nice dinner that i did not make and the awesome candle and plant that i got. i think of the perfect gifts my kids made at daycare and then i inevitably think about gratitude. i think these little things--teething kids, tired kids, things/events that can so irritate me in the moment are gifts. i think of many many people who would give anything to have these problems (if you want to call them that) and i admonish myself quietly for not seeing what is so clearly in front of me. healthy beautiful children are my gifts and they are perfect exactly as they are. tired and teething included.

yes, it is easy to be grateful when they are asleep and things are quiet and i am calm. i can look back and see what i often miss in the moment. then, i can hope that next time i wont miss it in the moment or i'll miss it a little less. i can say that underneath my frustrations with my kids there is always love, acceptance, and gratitude. sometimes i just need to push myself or be pushed to get there and not stop at the first thougth or feeling.

the other thing i want to say/write about tonite is my own mother. how frequently we criticize the hell out of our parents--they are such easy targets--i guess because we know them so well. their lives spread out before us to look at, evaluate, and judge. it is weird really how this happens. how the people that we love the most we are the most apt to blame, snap at, admonish, push away.

sometimes when kids are at daycare all day, parents will pick up their children who have been angels all day--only to have them disintegrate the minute they get home or even see their mothers (or fathers). parents (me included) often mistake this for something bad when really (what i've learned) is that kids have to feel safe to be their true selves--tired, frustrated, undone. i feel this can explain some of the reason that moms often get the worst of it, husbands second. people often show their worst selves to those they love and who they know love them unconditionally. hopefully this is balanced out by other more positive selves that we share too...

that said, i would like to thank my own mom for putting up with me over this last year. she has taken care of me and my children for a year now and sometimes i honestly dont know how i ever had my first child without her. a more patient, present, and respectful to all children person may never have existed. truly an inspiration to behold is my mom playing with my daughter or my son. to say i am blessed is corny, but i've been corny all week--so wtf--i am blessed. life in a series of painful, strange, and downright eerie connections sent my mother to me exactly when i needed her again. if that is not cause for faith in a higher power then i am not sure what is. happy mothers day universe and thanks for once again unfolding in a way that i could never have planned but deeply appreciate.xx