hi friends. since i spend most of my time writing about what i struggle with--it came to me tonite that i should write about some good things. last night i had a really good time and laughed really hard. i drove home under a starry sky and felt happy. happy that after years of having someone else drive me i was driving myself. i know it is a little corny but it is true and special to me that i finally dont have to worry about how i am going to get myself home. i can always get myself home, on my own without any hesitation or worry. even late at night i know i am sober and healthy and thinking clearly. what i enjoyed about drinking (aside from the alcohol itself) was the connection i felt with others. the conversations, the secrets, the honesty or (what i thought was honesty), the jokes, the comraderie that i never really felt before. now i have that in my life and it is independent of alcohol or any other substances. it is liberating and fun and important--to have fun in sobriety. to feel connected to other people and to feel accepted for who we are--who we really are.
that feeling of acceptance is actually contagious. once i have it for myself it is almost like i can more easily feel it towards others. i automatically feel more compassion for other people when i extend that same favor to myself. i dont feel nearly as critical or judgemental to others when i am right with myself. and that energy that is positive and happy and ok just flows from me to others and then back to me again. it is a brillant thing to feel and to know.
when i quit drinking i noticed really quickly that my life seemed to start to flow. that once i was acting in a positive way that other positive things seemed to come around me--like a moth to a flame. the same was true but in reverse when i was drinking. my ability to attract the exact wrong people and things to me was uncanny--except it wasnt really. actually it was pretty predictable. if you dont like yourself, dont respect yourself, then when other people treat you poorly it doesnt suprise you. it feels oddly right. once i started liking me a little then it only made sense that i'd want to be around other people who liked me, and who liked themselves too. i started caring less about what other people thought of me and more about what i thought of me.
i am still working on this. still learning, relearning these ideals. still reminding myself that my daily reprieve from this cunning, baffling and powerful disease is dependent on my willingness to work at being better. connected. inspired.
tonite, i feel pretty good. i am still on the fence about taking an evening run and probably will. maybe when i run i will once again feel grateful for how far i've come. maybe i'll think a little about where i am going. if the stars align just right though--i might just run and not think at all. xx
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