hi all. sorry for unappealing title but it feels right. ok, so here i am. tonite i had my class--which is really great. i have maybe ten classmates and they all seem really different and interesting and cool. drving home i started thinking about if so and so liked me. i mean i was really thinking does so and so like me. i cant remember the last time i went into this nuthouse place. so, i am driving home giving full attention to my inner 16 year old voice. i actually started thinking about my senior year photo--and how i still hate it and how maybe i am just loser and always will be.
i began thinking about how i never had a boyfriend (in highschool) and how i wasnt pretty and wore too much makeup and was painfully insecure etc. i then went on to consider how one of the reasons that people may not like me is because i dont fit neatly into a category. then i started putting everyone i know and really like into categories but not adult categories, high school categories. popular. athletic. artsy. etc.
i'd love to say that i then realized i was losing it, but i didnt. only now i am sort of able to see that all of this self hatred, this lack of acceptance of myself, this...need to have people like me in order to feel ok. this is fundamentally flawed and really easy to not like. at 36 i need to do better then i wonder if so and so likes me. at 36 i need to be at i wonder if i like them...right? and if i dont then that is fine and if i do, great. i dont have to wait to be nice until they are nice to me or hold back bc i am scared. i can just be who i am and ok w/ whatever comes of it.
in my new recovering life...the only crime is to be someone else. xxk
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