hi all. it is hard to explain how completely surreal it is to move and suddenly find yourself in a new place with new people and a new house. i thought i'd be the same and my surroundings would just be different but what has really happened is that i dont feel the same at all. i feel totally blown wide open and off kilter. for the last week i couldnt really even write but tonite i went to a good meeting and felt the glimmers of hope that meeting kind people can produce--at least in me.
i was feeling totally dejected because i did not get a job that i felt very qualified for and was uncharacteristically confident about. that plus not knowing many people here got me all turned around. i have started questioning my path and feeling all turned inside out. what i know i know, i convince myself that i dont know and then i am screwed. tonite though i had this realization that this negative thinking is really just one giant bad habit. it all starts with me feeling afraid and then suddenly i am catapulted into this weird doubting everything place. i know that this is totally in my head and crazy but if i dont write it and look at it then it stays in my head and literally takes over--like cancer. before i know it i have totally altered my reality. i fear i was almost there before tonites meeting.
i had begun to tell myself that i was really getting unhinged. the weird thing is that i dont think i actually am or was but this habit of telling myself that i am is oddly strong. talk about kicking yourself when you are down. i have this way of nearly collapsing in on myself when i am faced with adversity. when i was drinking i basically just drank myself into an oblivion and when sober it seems to look more like i just hand the keys to my life over to anyone around who wants them. like i just sort of give up and become a passenger and not in a good way. this habit is so destructive because 1)it totally disempowers me and 2) it totally overloads the person who i give the keys to (obviously my husband in this scenario and many ex boyfriends passed have crumbled under the weight of my entire life in their hands).
so here i am--somewhat aware and prepared to make changes as follows: 1) i can no longer avoid any phone calls related to job seeking on the basis of being scared of rejection. this is counterproductive and downright silly. i am not sure what i am even afraid of. actually i do know, my work is the one are of my life, besides my writing, where i feel competent. having that out there to be scrutinized and judged, when i already feel vulnerable, is painful. i am just afraid that someone will tell me i dont know anything. even reading this i know that anyone could say anything and it wouldnt affect what i know or dont know or what i can or cant do. i just give the power away though--like i am somehow giving away to anyone the power to validate me or undercut me. it is all wrong and i know it.
so, 2) i will no longer give anyone the power to make me feel bad about myself. eleanor roosevelt said it--no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. that said, i hereby remove my consent. and finally 3)when i feel sad and lonely i vow to actually call someone and not sit around and tell myself how much i suck and how screwed up i am.
lastly, i will blog regardless of how shithouse i feel because it does actually help me to see how i am the one who is in control of my thoughts, and really just how powerful i am at changing myself for bad and for good. i heard someone say the other night at a meeting that if anyone in their life said to them the things that they say to themselves they'd never speak to them again...perfect huh. hope you are all treating yourselves right tonite too. i've missed you. on a self indulgent note: ts--if you are out there, i am going to try to start hearing you again in my head. this always helps me put it all back together again. i am forever grateful. xxk
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